Tackling things I've overlooked

[Pepin]

With CN MIL out of our lives, it brings a certain amount of void.  Which I know sounds great, but is it really all that?  And I am sorry that this may be perplexing to some but this void for me is starting to make me realize that all these other things need my attention that I was obviously not able to see before. 

I think the most eye opening is how my other relationships are doing - my friendships, my siblings, colleagues, etc.  I was the Pepin who was always available, helpful, supportive.  And now I find myself quite bored and tired of certain relationships.  I posted about my friends and how I am questioning the trajectory of those friendships...  My siblings have no idea to date what I have been enduring for the last number of years; I haven't informed them about DH and my marriage and how difficult it was living in CN MIL's shadow.....so much pain held in over not being able to share this with them.  And the last bit about how colleagues handle me based on my boundaries. 

Yesterday was a real ride for me and I think I need to buckle down and make some swift internal changes.  I'm utterly exhausted dealing with all the things now that I couldn't have seen before.  I just wanted people to believe that I was nice and kind because I was so broken inside about how CN MIL treated me and even DH.  Now this doesn't seem right and I've been bawling my eyes out.   

I haven't really had any positive elder role models in my life - only snippets here and there that create some sort of image of an elder that doesn't really exist.  And that stings.  It means that I have to again be more available for Pepin like never before.  I just cannot rely on anyone and my trust and faith in people is practically nil.  I would have loved to have had a warm relationship with my MIL to make up for what I didn't have from my own FOO.  That just wasn't in the cards for me and that chapter is obviously over.  There won't be anymore MIL's.  It's just about Pepin and what Pepin wants to do and be now that she is free from that oppressive tyranny. 

It's overwhelming just thinking about all of this - it's just that I haven't had the opportunity until now.   

[SunnyMeadow]

Now that all the time you spent dealing with MIL is over, you have so much time to deal with other relationships. I feel the same. 

I've been telling the truth about life with my mother and letting people know she wasn't a good mother. The people closest to me know this already and saw her faults long before I did. I've been saying small things here and there to newer friends who didn't know her. And the shocking part is, they can relate! I think most people simply say "everything's fine" just to skim over problems. I sure did. I mean now I don't unload all of my issues with people but I don't hide that life with my mother wasn't all peaches and cream.  I'm not letting her off the hook that easily and in my book, no one turns into a saint after death.

I understand your comment on how you're questioning the trajectory of certain relationships. I do that too. Life is too short to waste time and energy on less than good ones. I've been investing more time with people who matter. All that time I spent appeasing my mother, I can give to other people!

I'm working on being a good mother, I do the opposite of what my mother did. Same goes for my son in law, I don't ever what to be the typical MIL so I work hard to avoid it.

I'm glad you are working on things you've overlooked. All of our spare time was taken up by these women. Now we are free to live life and do much better than they did. ♥

[Boat Babe]

Hey Pepin, I think this is part of the process and, though difficult and new, will be a rapidly changing one. Currently you're dealing with a massive void (that was full of crazy making MIL) and you are starting to notice things as your attention and energy aren't focused on dealing with her. Probably everyone in her orbit is going through all sorts of wierd stuff as well. That's what PDs do to the people around them.

You need Emotional and Mental First Aid. Only do the bare minimum for the next few weeks. Use the time you claw back to meditate, make healthy food whilst listening to comedy or uplifting music. Talk to someone you trust about this. I feel you've been carrying this for so long on your own. Time to lay that burden down.

You say at the end of your post that this is all overwhelming. It is. It's hit you hard. So now is the time to absolutely focus on yourself. Emotional regulation can be a primary focus, allowing you to start to feel safe in the world again. Is Therapy affordable and accessible? Whatever it is you need, try to meet that need with compassion for yourself.

We are all here for you.

[Pepin]

Hey Pepin, I think this is part of the process and, though difficult and new, will be a rapidly changing one. Currently you're dealing with a massive void (that was full of crazy making MIL) and you are starting to notice things as your attention and energy aren't focused on dealing with her. Probably everyone in her orbit is going through all sorts of wierd stuff as well. That's what PDs do to the people around them.

You need Emotional and Mental First Aid. Only do the bare minimum for the next few weeks. Use the time you claw back to meditate, make healthy food whilst listening to comedy or uplifting music. Talk to someone you trust about this. I feel you've been carrying this for so long on your own. Time to lay that burden down.

You say at the end of your post that this is all overwhelming. It is. It's hit you hard. So now is the time to absolutely focus on yourself. Emotional regulation can be a primary focus, allowing you to start to feel safe in the world again. Is Therapy affordable and accessible? Whatever it is you need, try to meet that need with compassion for yourself.

We are all here for you.

Thank you - and yes, I think everyone is dealing with their own personal stuff, the goal being to land on some sort of normal, whatever that is.  The endless dysfunction that we were all tangled into was mind boggling. 

I have already taken steps to curb my emotional over eating and have finally dropped a few pounds that I desperately needed to do.  I've noticed that my DH has also slimmed down a little bit as well -- poor guy ate for no reason it seemed - though it was really just the stress of his mother. 

I work best in increments or sections.  It's just that there is so much going on despite my attempts to keep stuff in its own area -- for whatever reason it sees like some kind of urgency to just get everything cleaned up as quickly as possible in order to move on and make up for lost time. 

[Pepin]

Now that all the time you spent dealing with MIL is over, you have so much time to deal with other relationships. I feel the same. 

I've been telling the truth about life with my mother and letting people know she wasn't a good mother. The people closest to me know this already and saw her faults long before I did. I've been saying small things here and there to newer friends who didn't know her. And the shocking part is, they can relate! I think most people simply say "everything's fine" just to skim over problems. I sure did. I mean now I don't unload all of my issues with people but I don't hide that life with my mother wasn't all peaches and cream.  I'm not letting her off the hook that easily and in my book, no one turns into a saint after death.

I understand your comment on how you're questioning the trajectory of certain relationships. I do that too. Life is too short to waste time and energy on less than good ones. I've been investing more time with people who matter. All that time I spent appeasing my mother, I can give to other people!

I'm working on being a good mother, I do the opposite of what my mother did. Same goes for my son in law, I don't ever what to be the typical MIL so I work hard to avoid it.

I'm glad you are working on things you've overlooked. All of our spare time was taken up by these women. Now we are free to live life and do much better than they did. ♥

Yes....this.  I have wanted so desperately to tell my story to others but I feel like I cannot because it would mean essentially throwing my husband under the bus.  Knowing that he was the man caught between two women and his choice to mostly side with his mother would probably not go over very well with people I know.  And not only that, I fear that because I was unsuccessful in getting DH to see the dysfunction and because I didn't pack my bags, that I will be perceived as a whiner.  As many of you know, it is challenging to tell our stories to people who have no experience in personality disorders - or who are unhealed from their own past trauma.  I think I could only speak up if DH somehow acknowledged his mother's behavior -- and at the moment, I don't know if that is something he can do.  He can't stand admitting that he is wrong about anything - even though he has made and continues to make mistakes all the time.  It's the classic: if you tell your kid to do something they likely won't listen to you but if someone else points out something to them, they will do it. 

Like you, as a mother, I have done my very best - a complete 180 from how I was raised and if I get to become a MIL, I will also do a 180.  I will never allow myself to treat future inlaws and their children the way I was treated.  I desperately need some semblance of good and positive extended family outside of my own nuclear family and I will do whatever it takes to achieve that. 

[tragedy or hope]

In laws;  I am finally able to totally ignore them all. They were a bane on our life the entire marriage of 50+ years. FIL is in his mid 90's. Evil man. I don't even care that he lost his only son. I know he lost him at age 7 when he abandoned him, put him in a room with his little sister and asked who he wanted to live with.

Cruel, hateful and vulgar FIL has always been. Cost me a lot of pain as codependent son could never relinquish his abuser, hence I too got some of that pain vomited on me.

SIL's hated me from day one. They had designs on the life or their only brother. Southern girls had plans for choosing his partner til I a "yankie" girl proved them impotent. Gossipy, two-faced and liars are the bunch. He is buried. I am done with all of them.

Thank God. I wish them no harm,  but I will not allow them to damage my life ever again. The whole bunch are N's. Free at last.

[Pepin]

Cost me a lot of pain as codependent son could never relinquish his abuser, hence I too got some of that pain vomited on me.

I am so sorry for your loss and that your husband was so ensnared the way he was as a codependent.  His death means you are finally free though it is time that can never be recouped.  I knew my husband would never be free until his mother died and now, here we are.  Like you, my marriage was filled with vomit; my husband would often take his angst out on me or our children rather than face his own mother.  He couldn't do it.  Groomed from birth, broke free as a young adult, and then walked right back into the trap.

Now that CN MIL is dead, there is no obligation to any of the family members on DH's side.  I've never cared for his siblings; they all used him.  There is so much my husband did not get to do as a kid, teen or young adult because he was so heavily parentified.  His parents even took out a life insurance policy on him in case something happened to him.  Just sick.

[tragedy or hope]

I wonder if the ONLY way to get away from a pd family is death. They have such a "haunting" hold on those associated with them. i considered for a long time being on my own. Because of my unpdh husband's background and family I would have had to "disappear." Not willing to give up thay much of my life and freedom for that. That to me was an unacceptable bondage of it's own. Different kind of pain. My own children, grandchildren and friendships would all have been affected and brought into a losing situation.

Once I caught on that unpdh was never changing, I made my own changes to have a life as close to what I wanted under the circumstances and just dealt with him as a sick person same as if he had a long illness of some kind. Hard, but less stressful on my soul.

[Pepin]

I wonder if the ONLY way to get away from a pd family is death.

Once I caught on that unpdh was never changing, I made my own changes to have a life as close to what I wanted under the circumstances and just dealt with him as a sick person same as if he had a long illness of some kind. Hard, but less stressful on my soul.

Yeah....the first thing you said.  Sadly, I admit that I did entertain the thought that if my DH died, that I would be free.  I'd pack my bags, sell the house, take the kids and move.  And I'd liquidate everything else we had and cut off all the in-laws.  That was my plan.  The other more controlled thing I thought about doing was filing for divorce when our youngest would leave for college - a plan for myself that I actually set over 10 years ago.  My kids can't stand any of the in-laws either so no worry once the youngest was a legal age adult that they would be roped into anything with the in-laws.

But with CN MIL dying, this shift happened without my having had any control or plan.  It just suddenly happened.  And I didn't realize how her death closed a bunch of doors on other people that I just couldn't stand.  I cringe thinking about all the years we had to attend parties, celebrations and icky reunions with these people.  These are people that literally didn't give a F about our presence - just that they got their gift and their hope fulfilled to take a jab or get some dirt on us to use against us later.  Our mere presence was enough fuel for them to lodge some sort of campaign behind our backs.  And who else would DH's siblings have learned this from?  Their mother, the prima donna.

The other component to this is your last line above.  It was clear that as long as CN MIL was alive, DH wasn't going to change or revert back to the man he used to be.  Like you, I built my life carefully around him in order to survive up until now.  I had no choice.  And it feels so good now (but also sad in a grief sort of way) knowing that I finally have a choice.  I can leave if I want to.  Anytime.  He can hold nothing over me or the kids.  Without his mother, he is powerless because she can't control him anymore.