She fell

[Lilyloo]

 Mother was up in middle of night letting the cat in, fell and broke her knee cap.  Surgery today.  I get the feeling she is loving the attention. She always seemed happiest when it was totally about her.  Shes on morphine so she was very nice.  What gets to me is she is constantly saying "now don't worry about me"  Yesterday it was " now I do not want you kids to worry about me" She repeated it 3 times!  "I'm fine she says, just ate my dinner"   What is this don't worry thing, because the messages I get that moan and whine says to me 'you better worry'

The facts are both my brothers are in worse shape than she is.  She never mentions them.  We are all stressed and I know that not driving her during this is off the table.

My middle brother who I do fuss about on here, then regret it , called me . Its been a year.  He had three strokes and still can't talk well or walk.  I thought he was the golden child and blamed him. Yesterday he let go of a lot of pain mother has caused him.  He said many harsh things about her and it was everything the rest of us say, as well as my deceased brother always said.  It was validating. I see the harm shes donel.  He says she has nothing to do with him now.

I believe she has been so mentally ill as well as very bitter and resentful all of her life.  Can she help it?  I have never been able to answer that question.

So now this surgery and recovery  There will be physical therapy.  Guess who gets to drive. I'm hoping they put her in a rehab center.

How does one rid the stress. How do we stop the fears and thoughts going thru our minds.  How do we relax.  How do we be with someone who drives us all insane!  She bashes all of us, then acts like she did nothing.  Now we are supposed to help her. Its time for the nursing home permanately

[SunnyMeadow]

Shes on morphine so she was very nice.  What gets to me is she is constantly saying "now don't worry about me"  Yesterday it was " now I do not want you kids to worry about me" She repeated it 3 times!  "I'm fine she says, just ate my dinner" 

Don't worry about me? Who is this woman? I wonder if she can get an ongoing prescription for morphine, sounds like it agrees with her!

Isn't it eye-opening to know that she doesn't bother with your brother? It shows her true character. I'm sad you will be driving her to appointments. If she could do an in-patient rehab that would be ideal. I remember living with the stress my mother caused and trying whatever I could to get through it. Go for walks, try to get deep into a tv show, clean the house, read a book. I ended up getting a prescription for Valium because of an autoimmune disease triggered by stress. I would take a half a pill before I visited her. Imagine having to medicate before a visit with your own mother. It helped though and got me through the last few years of her life.

If there are any other arrangements that can be made to transport her around, jump on it and arrange it without guilt. She obviously doesn't feel any guilt about the way she treats her children. Thinking of you and hoping you can get through her recovery with the least amount of stress possible.

[Sneezy]

When my mom says "don't worry about me," what she is really doing is reminding me that a good daughter would be worried about her.  Another of my mom's favorites is "did you text everyone to tell them that I'm ok?"  This is usually after something minor that she wants everyone to make a big deal out of.  Mom's "don't worry" or "I'm ok" is exactly the opposite of what most people mean when they say these things.  For my mom, it's a way to get attention, both for the underlying problem (usually minor), and for her stoic martyrdom in the face of whatever minor malady she has.

So your mom is having surgery.  Honestly, the very best thing for her (and you) would be an in-patient rehab facility.  Given your mom's age, there is no way she will be able to do her own rehab at home.  She truly needs a higher level of care than she (or you) can provide.  If she doesn't get regular high-quality rehab from qualified physical therapists, she may never walk right again.  Push her doctors to prescribe a rehab facility.  Make sure they know that you can't possibly lift your mom or physically care for her in the manner that she needs, and also that you are very concerned about her future mobility.

As far as the stress - in the short term, try to limit your visits and phone calls.  Tell your mom she needs her rest and you don't want to bother her too much.  It's impossible to get your mom out of your head, but maybe you can fill your head with enough other things that you can crowd her out for a bit.  Take a walk, work on a puzzle, go to the gym, whatever works for you so that you can focus on something other than your mom, even if it's for short periods of time.  Lately, I've been doing balancing exercises.  Because they are good for your brain.  And I have found that when I'm trying to balance in various poses, I can't think of anything else (or I'll fall over).  So maybe try some simple balancing exercises several times a day to distract your brain.  This will also have the added benefit of preventing falls for you.

In the longer term, it may be time to look for assisted living for your mom.  There are various levels of care - independent senior living, assisted living (depending on state regs, there should also be different levels of assisted living), memory care, skilled nursing care, etc.  Depending on your mom's mobility after surgery and rehab, you can assess what she needs.  And then you can start looking for a place.  The way I explained it to my mom is that I'm no spring chicken myself.  Mom had me when she was fairly young and so I'm only 21 years younger than her.  I can't possibly care for her adequately in my home or hers.  And so, in mom's best interest, she had to move into senior living.  Of course, it is in my best interest, too, but I didn't see the need to press that point with my mom.

Hang in there!  Just do what you can do, because no matter how much you do, it won't be enough for your mom.  So decide for yourself what enough means. 

Sending good thoughts and hugs!

[Lilyloo]

Sneezy, Thank you!   I was pretty sure the don't worry about me meant the opposite!  I am hoping they put her in a in patient center.  Its true, I cant lift her or do any of it. I can't physically or emotionally.  She signed herself onto the local nursing home list about 3 months ago. My brothers and I are hoping this is where she ends up. I do know her therapy is planned for there.  I hope its in patient!  There's no issue with the NH since shes on the list. I was unsure if she told me the truth about signing up, but my brother confirmed it yesterday . Its a huge relief, unless she becomes stubborn and disagrees. It would be just like her to turn the tables!!

I honestly think tho that her signing herself up was so her children could not put her there. It's her huge ego that wants nobody to know her children did it. You know, kinda like 'nobody controls me'

Mother and I are only 18 years apart. Like you and your mother not many years between us.  It is impossible to be physically strong enough to care for them.  Mentally, it would do me in. 

Thank you for the balancing exercise advice. I will try that!  I have a few things, certain music that relaxes me,  and I love the British Comedies, so those take my mind off of her for awhile.

Thank you again 

[Lilyloo]

Sunny, Thank you!  I know you understand the stress that they cause. You surely went through the bad times. I'm glad you got the valium to help you through those very difficult days. I will need something if this gets more stressful.

Yes I see now that shes had no golden child! It was control of him. She has always had to control. When he got sick, it seemed to pump her up, it was like, 'look at me I'm taking care of things'  I have no doubt my mother is very mentally ill and has been her whole life! She seemed to like drama and illness. 

Now I see how it has affected my brothers.  I am grateful for them. 

I'm hoping she gets the in patient therapy near us. Its only about 8 miles. I hope I can come here soon to say shes in the NH for good. I want her to have good care.  Her husband is there. The falls will just continue and I don't want that.  As I told sneezy she signed herself up. Shes on the list, but her motive may have been what I wrote to sneezy.   Kinda like, I'll be in charge, no child of mine is packing me off to a home!  I'm not real sure but this is how she operates.

Thank you Sunny so much. I hope you are doing well   

[Starboard Song]

I believe she has been so mentally ill as well as very bitter and resentful all of her life.  Can she help it?  I have never been able to answer that question.

So now this surgery and recovery  There will be physical therapy.  Guess who gets to drive. I'm hoping they put her in a rehab center.

How does one rid the stress. How do we stop the fears and thoughts going thru our minds.  How do we relax.  How do we be with someone who drives us all insane!  She bashes all of us, then acts like she did nothing.  Now we are supposed to help her. Its time for the nursing home permanately

You know, elder care issues just change everything, and introduce new moral wrinkles for us to worry over.

My usual analogy is always fun. If you are walking down the sidewalk and see a van careening towards you at high speed, it doesn't much matter, does it, whether the driver is a crazy terrorist bent on killing civilians or an old man having a medical emergency behind the wheel. All that matters is that you must take action to avoid being predictably injured.

But I get it: now she is very old and very frail and really does need help, so that is hard. My point is, though, that however much engagement and help you decide is appropriate, it remains right that you begin now protecting yourself. You can do that through boundaries, but it's hard with elder situations. You can do it through personal healing: I highly recommend Radical Acceptance and Mindfulness (see my signature for book references). It is those two that can give you peace, however you decide to go forward.

We went NC when my in-laws were still healthy. And they have sufficient financial resources to buy their care. So me? I'm not taking that call. Not ever.

Be good. Be strong.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you Starboard Song!: My internet has been down so just getting back. Moral wrinkles, how very true is that!   I am trying to protect myself.  I have set limits and I'm sticking to them.  She's already being difficult,  so more boundaries going up. Thank you for the book suggestion.  I will definitely look into it.  Thank you again.