Saga keeps going for OCPD. Late but why?

[Prototypian]

Everyone here by now knows me and questions.my sanity over not having left.   Still working on that.

Last night was a winner related to being late.  Family friends were having a double graduation party for their older daughter graduating from college and their son graduating from high school.   Both kids are the same age and peers of our kids.   I'm close friends with the dad.  The party was held at a local restaurant, bar and entertainment venue.   My oldest daughter and I were ready to go and UOCPDw was no where to be found.  I called and she was shopping.   The venue for the party was 10 min from the house so I wanted to meet spouse there.  she absolutely didn't want us to do that.   Like it was a serious no.  So we waited.   And waitd and 40 min later spouse arrived home exhausted and angry and I said "why don't you stay and we will go" but there was no way that was happening.   I wanted to drive and she wasn't going to allow that either.   Then we shifted into 20 questions sure I was wrong on the date and location and time which came to us via an electronic invite.   So an hour late for a 2 hour family get together we headed out.   She then acted like she had no idea where the building was. 

We live in a big metroplex but a tiny town with small main street downtown and this event place is right next to the city parks and rec center and library and she absolutely knows it's there, we have been to ohter events there.   But we get there and she refuses to park in the overflow parking and gets very flustered.   Daughter and I finally jumped out and walked.   I've never done that before.   Spouse was petrified that the venue was wrong, we were going into the wrong place, the party wasn't there, the parking wasn't right.   It was like a combo of pathetic super fear and mega controlling anger. 

The really strange part was inside.    I think the reasons she wanted to come were part fear of missing out and part wanting desperately to make sure I didn't tell any stories wrong or ask any questions that she already knew the answer to.  It was bizarre, she didn't have a good time and then we all went home exhausted.   

I can't understand the lack of fun, nervousness, fear and need for absolute accuracy and mega control.   This seems to keep getting worse.

It was supposed to be, "show up at 7, have some food and drink and then leave" it actually turned out for us to be a nervous wreck about every detail you can imagine and deep concern about me saying "our son is going to college in early August" and her correcting it to be "august 4" over my shoulder.  Accuracy is an absolute to her-you cant give generalizations.  If you say somethin, you can't skim over a detail.  I think.she is petrified I will talk to friends or associates and skip details in discussions.   One can't say "last fall" it must be Sept 6 because that was two days after school started.   

It's just another example of the weird behavior and fear she lives with.   It's like the crazy Howard Hughes type of thing where the person just can't handle normal interactions only hers is fear of anything being incorrect instead of fear of germs.

[Boat Babe]

No-one here is questioning your sanity jsinjin. That is a very telling comment though. Perhaps you are. Not so much your sanity but your decision making process, the emotions and habits of many years and the unknown.

Life with your wife sounds awful to be honest but only you can make that call. Hugs.

[escapingman]

Your wife sounds a lot like my uNPDx (probably some OCPD as well), it's awful to live with someone with that kind of control and perfection demands. Stay strong and please don't let her drag you down any further.

[SonofThunder]

Jsinjin,

I have been there before my friend and I feel for you and your kids.  I agree with the above replies as well. 

When i ended my caretaking (using your example above would be a boundary on myself to refuse to show up late so not going, or going without her), it escalated tension SO high, that it skyrocketed D=devaluation and I protected myself further by using the toolbox, and that landed squarely in D= discard, which then became permanent. 

When discard became permanent, my experiences with my stbx's projection and smoke-screening became intense, fueled by her paranoia and imo, wanting to hide behind her own actions by repeatedly accusing me of wrongdoing that was 100% false and imo smoke-screened fantasies on her part. 

Imo, when trust was finally eroded to zero in the marriage, imo there is no marriage even though legally there may be one, and us two people are just buying time in the roles of the IDD cycle and drama triangle. 

As Hhaw so accurately stated in your other post on 'deciding':  "When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving....we go."

SoT

[Cat of the Canals]

No-one here is questioning your sanity jsinjin. That is a very telling comment though. Perhaps you are. Not so much your sanity but your decision making process, the emotions and habits of many years and the unknown.

I second this. My heart breaks for you and your kids, and even for your wife, because what an awful disorder to be trapped in. I don't question your sanity because I know what it's like to be stuck in the various cycles --  at once wanting to rescue/help them, at other times wanting to say 'maybe it's not so bad' or 'maybe it's me,' and sometimes just going with the flow because you can't take another one of their rages and you don't know what else to do.

I think you should be very proud of yourself for jumping out of the car. That's huge. I also wonder if the sense that she's getting worse is perhaps a reaction to the fact that your behavior has started to change? She senses deep down that she is losing control on some things, so she fights that much harder for it.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[square]

Also agree with everyone, we're not judging you.

I also applaud you for getting out of the car. I do think that insanity needs limits or it just expands infinitely.

You mentioned Howard Hughes. His money and fame removed all normal constraints on his behavior and he was able to indulge his OCD far beyond what most OCD sufferers can go. Not to say constraints would have fixed the underlying problem, it wouldn't have.

Also not to say you are responsible for constraining her behavior, you are not even a teeny tiny bit responsble. You cannot fix or control her. All I mean is that wherever your line is, go ahead and draw it, for YOU, because this thing will keep expanding onto YOUR turf. YOU have a right to get yourself to an event at the time and manner of your choosing, whether you decide to go on your own altogether or you decide to cut your losses close to the finish line, as you did last night.

[Poison Ivy]