Materialism (and assuming everyone else is that way)

[easterncappy]

There was another post in the dealing with PD parents subforum about PD parents being bad at dealing with money. Along with general childish ideas of how money and money-related things work, my parents were just very materialistic. They projected this onto me a lot.

The closest I ever got to an apology was "I'm sorry that there wasn't enough money for us to get you nicer things". This was never one of my complaints about them, apart from like, not understanding why $700/mo on cigarettes was in the budget but clothes that actually fit me weren't (I now know that my mom purposely dressed me like a grandmother to humiliate me - she dressed very attractively herself). But none of it was "I want a Gucci bag and Versace shoes".

"Money is the purpose of life", my dad says. "What did you want me to do, leave your dad and then we'd never have nice Christmas presents again?", my mom says. They have car payments they can't afford - "I bet everyone will be so jealous that we have this car", "I bet you want one just like this". My mom almost had a meltdown when the salesman offered her a used car - used cars are unacceptable. They're scheming illegal ways to be able to buy a house with all of their existing debt... they won't settle for a house like what I live in (1950's and needs some work), they "deserve a new construction"! "Your dad's not good enough for you, but his money is?", my mom says.

Now, I've been away from them for a while... we don't celebrate Christmas (holiday yes, gift-giving no). We are able to pay all of our bills but we are otherwise pretty poor. Our house still needs work. Cars are used and both need work. I genuinely can't remember the last time I bought something "for myself" that wasn't a household item. For someone who is "all about money money money" (as my mom says), I'm strangely content with this!

[Catothecat]

I grew up in a similar household.  My father always had enough money for the things he wanted and no matter what we had my mother always wanted more.  On the other hand, I was constantly told we couldn't afford this or that, but only if it was something I wanted or even needed.  They were spending money to impress the neighbors or relatives and likely really didn't have much to spare.  And if those neighbors or relatives weren't suitably impressed, my parents would get angry and "write them off." 

I saw firsthand how being so materialistic could be so destructive--how people can value their possessions more than their relationships.  I saw firsthand how unhappy my parents eventually became when they retired with little money in savings but still wanting to move into a retirement community in a "sunshine" state, into a smaller home which they were only temporarily content with before they started expressing their jealousy over other relatives who were doing better for themselves because they'd not been foolish about money. 

The thing is, I don't think my father was naturally inclined towards materialism, but my narcissistic mother was, as was her mother.  So she instilled it in my father and thus helped ruin his life (a long story).  And when I moved out, they were forever attempting to make me feel bad over how little I had, how hand-to-mouth I was living, until I finally started getting ahead at which time they simply said nothing.  There was criticism if they could find something to criticize, and never praise.  They could only see the "stuff" and never me.  And it was their loss.

[NarcKiddo]

My mother is obsessed with money. Both in terms of the power she thinks it gives her over other people and how much more she wants for herself. She can be quite generous and I will accept gifts (even if she thinks there are strings attached I won't accept the strings) but would literally rather die than ask her for a gift or loan.

[easterncappy]

I feel almost like a spoiled child complaining about this. My mom outright admitted that her leather jackets and home decor was more important than my safety, which is why she stayed with my dad, who made a lot of money despite his poor character and abusive tendencies. She didn't think she admitted it, but she did. It's made me almost resent "nice things". I feel bad if I buy name brand flour because the store brand isn't there. It's probably not healthy to be this insistent on being cheap, but I just hate "stuff" now.

One of my worst memories as a child was being left in a locked car with a pizza (which was supposed to pacify me ), sobbing and screaming for my mom and my grandma to come back... they were at their third clothing store of the day. My grandma, quite literally, had as many outfits as there were days in the year, her entire paycheck always went towards clothes. An older lady noticed that there was a distressed 8 year old sobbing and screaming in a car, and we communicated through the closed window... she went into the store and there was an intercom announcement made about a distressed child in a car. My mom and grandma came out, fuming at me. I got the silent treatment that day. "We could have gotten in trouble!" You can't even legally leave a dog in a car much less a human child. All over some clothes that my grandma would probably never wear (10 years after she moved out we were still finding boxes of her clothes with the tags still attached).

So yes - possessions being more important than people and relationships is familiar to me.

My mom always told me there weren't strings attached to gifts, but there were. I used to have a friend whose dad was very abusive... when he died, she inherited half of a house... "well, if he was really so bad, why did she want his house, huh? She shouldn't have taken it if she didn't like him!". Or, she'd be shocked that I'm not going to let her child molester husband (she knows) have access to my daughter... yes, even if they bought me a set of mixing bowls for my kitchen. They think access to people is a reward you get after spending money on them. In my mind, and maybe this is petty, I might as well get something out of being born to these evil people... I don't really feel bad taking "gifts" from them anymore, either. I just have to remind myself that it's a gift... it doesn't mean I owe them anything, as much as they think it does.

[11JB68]

I see this type of thing with uOCPDh. I see it as just more 'arbitrary' rules/attitudes. One cannot make sense out of it because it is just one more thing that is used to keep everyone else 'on edge' and under their control/based on their whims.
uPDh thinks he is the smartest person, expert on finance, expert on money, budgeting, you name it. But he DOES NOT understand basic/everyday money issues. Very controlling with money. Will issue 'edicts' about how we need to 'be careful for a while' (but if HE wants something we need to get it NOW)
He is NOT materialistic (generally) but claims that I am. Meanwhile I'm about the least-high-maintenance woman I know.
And yes, EasternCappy - I have to spend about $400 a month on his cigarettes but he gives me a hard time about $60 a month to get my hair cut profesisonally.
We've had unprecedented inflation this year (and some prior years) yet my 'allowance' has not gone up proportionately and he has not raised his rates (he has his own biz) in about 10 years and has reduced his billable hours to about 15 per week (meanwhile, I have a full time job and get raises every year, yet he decides how much I can spend)
Sorry - ranting .... it's an old story.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex-husband is not materialistic. He is cheap (frugal doesn't quite capture his behavior). He worries that he'll run out of money, but from what I know about his finances, that is very unlikely to happen. However, he also ignores or neglects some financial matters. For example, even though his parents both died almost three years ago and had quite a bit of money in trust or in investments that will go to my ex and his siblings, none of them have taken steps to resolve the estate so that they can receive the tens of thousands of dollars they are set to inherit.

[sunshine702]

Yes my Narcissist mom is controlled by stuff.  Alway comparing - my brother and his home furnishing choices and how hers are correct and his suck.  He is the Scapegoat.

She has a store and all her choices there all my life have been the fuss / topic of discussion/ center of her existence.
I started to realize her personality disorder when she would ask me if she should do a line of candles or kitchen towels for the store.  Whichever one I picked was wrong and didn't sell and whichever one  Narc source H picked was right and was so wonderful and was selling so well.  I used to get mad now I know the game and pity her.

I just got off the phone with her and she brought up the small travel room spray she gave me and how it would be a shame if she gave me something and I didn't use it.  I am wow.  This is why holidays are a pressure cooker hell.


Slight off topic but my church years ago talked about strongholds.  And breaking them.  The leather jackets from above seem like a stronghold.  I gave up alcohol for a year - stronghold.  I feel great that a thing has no power over me.  I drink non alcoholic beer now.  I didn't give up beer just alcohol. 

We all like nice things but when they have too much power over us it's a stronghold and challenging those.  The relationship should come before jackets but greed and insecurity with Narcs.

One time I told my mother I was suicidal .  I was having a medical issue that the doctors were not helping.  I was scared and low.

She sent me a dress in the mail.

A new dress was the answer.  Sigh yeah. 

[olivegirl]

My uBpd mother is obsessed with the appearance of being wealthy.

She will give expensive gifts to others to impress them.

She would buy expensive gifts to me so that when I open them I impress others BUT she'd later take the gift and return it! 

My uBpd counts other people's money and shames them as cheap bc it pains her that others have savings.

She greatly resent my uNpd father for not being successful.

Thus my uNpd father is very bitter, paranoid that others are slighting him bc of his perceived lower status. 

My uBpd mom desperately wants to be envied and has indeed purchased furs and jewels. 

Alas parents are broke, broke, broke.  And they have become incredibly racist, xenophobic, and have blamed their children for their lack of funds.

They refuse to sell the big house bc they are obsessed with keeping up appearances. 

Their plan is to impose themselves on me, live in my home where I can be their 24/7 caretaker slave.

They seem to think that not having other options for their elderly care and they think that I am completely enmeshed with their need to save face:  that I will naturally take them in! 

Truth be told, I have been the scapegoat but also the rescuer in the chaotic family home. 

But I quit that role.