The Towering Inferno, aka she got me again

[Sneezy]

Just when I think I've mastered the strategies necessary to deal with my covert NPD mom, I fall for her drama again.  I think you all may get a chuckle out of this.  Mom left me a couple messages last night and a couple more this morning.  There was a terrible fire at her senior living facility.  Extensive damage.  The fire got so hot that fixtures were melting off the walls.  Water was gushing down the elevator shafts.  Some people's apartments had flooded and ceilings were falling down.  Mom claimed the elevators were not working and she had no running water in her apartment.  I immediately turned on the local news, thinking that a bad fire at a senior living facility would certainly be on the news.  But nothing.

I then called the front desk to see if they knew when the elevators were going to be running and if they recommended that children come pick up their parents and keep them until things could be fixed.  I am certain that none of you will be surprised to hear that the person who answered the phone had no idea what I was talking about.

I waited a few hours and called mom again and asked a few more specific questions.  Mom had no idea what building or floor the fire had been on.  The elevators and water were working just fine.  She was never evacuated, never smelled any smoke, and all activities were proceeding as normal. 

From what I can piece together between what mom told me and what the receptionist told me, someone burned something on their stove and a firetruck came and residents were advised not to use the elevators while the firefighters were there.  It's a learning process - on the bright side, at least I didn't go rushing over there to save her 

[Andeza]

*facepalm* Bit of a stretch, eh?

I am laughing over here, but also in the back of my mind is a little thought train that goes something like "Wow, this is exactly the kind of thing uBPDm would do whenever/ifever she ends up in a facility and stuff like this happens. Good thing she's blocked." From that you may be able to gather that she also has a gift for, uh, exaggeration and hysterical theatrics.

I'm so glad you called the front desk first though. That way you could weed out the shenanigans a little easier. I imagine that the firefighters showing up is highly entertaining for everybody and the excitement may have set her PD tendencies into overdrive.

[Cat of the Canals]

Just when I think I've mastered the strategies necessary to deal with my covert NPD mom, I fall for her drama again. 

To be fair, one of the reasons it works is because WHO WOULD MAKE THIS UP???? Obviously you're going to call for more info and even SEE the facility with your own eyeballs at some point and come to the conclusion that she's full of beans. It's absolutely pointless to lie about it. And a rational person would be embarrassed to be caught in such a ridiculous lie.

[square]

I don't recall if your mother has dementia but my non Dad had strange stories like this too when he had dementia. It seemed like something would happen that he didn't fully understand and he would have this wild narrative that would satisfy the need to make sense out of it.

We learned not to panic if we heard weird stuff but would check it out if concerning, but some things we could never know how much was based in any kernel of reality or not.

My dad wasn't paranoid in his predementia years but he was totally paranoid with dementia. Would sit with the light out because "they" might see the light on under the door.

Dementia sucks.

And PD dementia must be one hell of a ride.

[moglow]

Extensive damage.  The fire got so hot that fixtures were melting off the walls.  Water was gushing down the elevator shafts.  Some people's apartments had flooded and ceilings were falling down.  Mom claimed the elevators were not working and she had no running water in her apartment.

So [mo brain asked] small kitchen/stove incident? Apparently so. Drama.

I now hear: This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is just a test. Had there been an actual emergency, the senior center would have contacted you directly and mother would likely not been able to use a phone herself. This is just a test.

Drama. God bless her. Anything for a little added attention - or delusions when she maybe smelled something?

[Boat Babe]

Just when I think I've mastered the strategies necessary to deal with my covert NPD mom, I fall for her drama again. 

To be fair, one of the reasons it works is because WHO WOULD MAKE THIS UP???? Obviously you're going to call for more info and even SEE the facility with your own eyeballs at some point and come to the conclusion that she's full of beans. It's absolutely pointless to lie about it. And a rational person would be embarrassed to be caught in such a ridiculous lie.

This!

That's why it's pointless trying to engage with PDs on a rational and logical level. The normal rules of engagement just don't apply. That's also why they generate FOG, so we can't see the crazy for what it is.  Hugs to everyone.

[justducky]

I don't recall if your mother has dementia but my non Dad had strange stories like this too when he had dementia. It seemed like something would happen that he didn't fully understand and he would have this wild narrative that would satisfy the need to make sense out of it.

enMom (possibly covert N) started doing stuff like this after uPD father died. Although I think she was starting to show signs of dementia, between grief* and the status quo falling apart, confabulations or lies became common. It was impossible to tell what was deliberate or what was a symptom from mental/physical issues. Some examples when I was still LC:

- She couldn't attend a family gathering because one of her sisters-in-law hated her and wants to hurt her.
- Her next door neighbor hated her and knew people who could kill her.
- The neighbor down the street leads a double life. He has a whole separate family. Her proof was that he was away from home a lot.
- The contractor she'd hired to do much-needed repairs on the house wanted to marry her, but she wasn't sure if she should. She didn't know if she wanted to.
- enSis told me that enMom was telling others that the reason I hadn't visited in years is because I'd died of AIDS.
- She can't go to the hospital if she'll ill because of some legal thing that allows hospitals to not treat old people.

I was able to chase down that last one. enMom had read a newspaper article that talked about hospitals and Medicare. I forget the details now, but she had completely twisted the story around. What she'd told me was 90% paranoid fiction.

Talk about crazy-making!

* I doubt she'd had any love for him for decades, but they were solidly co-dependent. Maybe trauma bonded. IDK.

[Sneezy]

I imagine that the firefighters showing up is highly entertaining for everybody and the excitement may have set her PD tendencies into overdrive.

Exactly!  It was entertaining and exciting and a good reason to leave me several messages, and also to pass along some bad news and get some attention.

I do wonder if mom is having some cognitive decline.  Whether it is truly dementia or just some typical age-related decline is hard to say.  She has always exaggerated and made up stories.  That is nothing new.  And she thrives on drama and sharing bad news.  And of course, she has to be the center of everything.  But I have noticed that she is more easily confused lately.  When she was younger, mom could tell all kinds of stories to various people and keep them all straight.  Now that she is older, it is harder for her to keep her stories straight and to remember who she told which stories to.  She used to be an expert at compartmentalization, but as she gets older, it's harder for her to keep track of her various compartments, if that makes any sense. 

In any case, I suspect it is going to get more dramatic and more interesting as mom ages.  I just need to remember to always take a breath and verify the situation before rushing in.  Thanks everyone for the commiserating.

[square]

Ok, damn, if you're not sure she even has dementia, that is one hell of a story.

I described my non father in deep decline.

[Andeza]

Sneezy are you very familiar with the histrionic type behaviors? We suspect DH's Gma is HPD and the storytelling behaviors are very much a part of who she is. HPD/BPD is big with the women on DH's maternal side of the family. The overblown nonsense stories that get doubled down on when called out, the drama, the flair and flamboyancy, etc. All very familiar to me.

[Sneezy]

Ok, damn, if you're not sure she even has dementia, that is one hell of a story.

That's the problem.  As mom ages, I can't be sure when something is truly an emergency or if it's just her typical lying, exaggerating, crying for attention, etc. And it is one crazy story either way.  I really wondered if I had misheard or misunderstood, but she told my sister the same things, right down to "fixtures melting off the walls."  I can't even figure out where she comes up with this stuff. 

My MIL (uHPD) has dementia and I find her much easier to read.  It's almost always obvious when something is true versus when it is a delusion.  My FIL has some cognitive decline due to Parkinson's and I also find him very easy to deal with.  He gets overwhelmed and sometimes catastrophizes, but he doesn't say things that aren't true.  My own mom, though - it's tough for me to tell sometimes.  I have learned, though, that most of the strategies that work for PDs (medium chill, boundaries, grey rock) are all good strategies to use with dementia patients, too. 

[Sneezy]

Sneezy are you very familiar with the histrionic type behaviors? We suspect DH's Gma is HPD and the storytelling behaviors are very much a part of who she is. HPD/BPD is big with the women on DH's maternal side of the family. The overblown nonsense stories that get doubled down on when called out, the drama, the flair and flamboyancy, etc. All very familiar to me.

My MIL checks every box for HPD, and I have noticed some of the same traits in my mom.  The need for male attention, especially.  My mom is in her eighties and is the biggest flirt I know.  She can go from being utterly miserable to turning on the charm if a man walks in the room.  And yes, she doubles down when called out on her stories.

It's not surprising that DH and I found each other.  His mom is very histrionic (even with dementia) and my mom is the covert NPD martyr with some histrionic traits.  DH and I are both the oldest in our respective families and we are the "fixers."  Which is why all three parents live 10 minutes or less away from us    Luckily, we are both getting pretty good at setting boundaries and we are almost always on the same page.  Otherwise, I can imagine it being pretty stressful on our marriage.

[Andeza]

That's good, I'm glad you're aware and setting boundaries. I couldn't recall whether you had mentioned HPD before or not. 

Similar with my DH and I. We both come from uBPDm's with histrionic traits. Lucky us though we live almost a 1,000 miles away from either of them and currently NC, especially as both likely see us as their old-age golden parachute plans. Blegh, I just imagined them fighting over who would get taken care of, who could move in where, etc. *shudder* Yeah no.

The about-face when they realize somebody they want to impress is around is hilarious.

[Sneezy]

Sigh . . . and then today, it all came back to "why won't you take me shopping?"  This is where all emotional outbursts eventually land.  Illness, accident, fire, flood, blizzard, heat wave, you name it - we always end up back at "I have nothing to wear," and "you need to take me shopping."  I could set my watch by it.  After every emotional dust-up, within about 72 hours it comes back to shopping.  I will never understand how my mom's brain works (and no, I'm not taking her shopping - I set a boundary to not enable her hoarding and I'm sticking to it  ).