Trying to be low contact with my elderly PD parents, my husband HATES them

[DaisiesRpretty]

I am on year 5 of finally recognizing the abuse and trying to heal.  My Husband recognized it WAY before I did.  He is tolerant of my desire to be low contact with my 85 year old Mom and 82 year old Dad.  He is supportive of No Contact with my NPD, golden child Sister.  He has No time for my younger flying monkey sister.  My Brother and his wife and family, are wonderful , their son and daughter have weddings coming. August 2022, and Sept 2023.

My Husband absolutely HATES my parents and sisters.   Now that the wedding is getting closer, My parents are cranking up the hoovering.  I called them yesterday to let them know that I arrived home safely from my vacation.   Dad asked me if my husband would forgive him if he apologized.  Told me he thought a lot of him and missed having the family all together.  Said it is embarrassing to have 1/2 your family not talking too you.   I asked him if he knew what he would be apologizing for.  He said "not really".  Said he suspected it was because he called him a hairbrain. 
I told him that my husband's response would be that after 30 years in construction, he has thicker skin than that.   He said well then I guess it is because of what we did for J. (our son who was out of control with alcohol and drugs ,we sought out professional guidance and were heartbreakingly enforcing tough love).  He then went on to say that they couldn't turn their back on him when he was in need and they would do it again.  They enabled him right into his 2nd DUI.  We were advised against driving him to AA, as asking for a ride encourages the alcoholic to form a friendship and bond with a recovering alcoholic.  Since they drove him that never happened.  Very long story short, they grew tied of putting their efforts into the black hole that he was at the time and kinda dropped him like a hot rock.  He hit bottom,  had to reach out to me, agreed to Naltrexone injections and is now or 2 1/2 years sober.   He has been very consistent in rebuilding and regaining our trust.   My Husband feels they cost us at least a years delay in his recovery.  Son feels indebted to them.  He occasionally calls and visits.   Then he gets to hear them wonder why all his cousin s can drink and he can't.  He has gotten updates on how wonderful his exgirlfriend is doing.    If he doesn't call or visit them, he hears nothing from them, same as me.

So Dad wants to say he is sorry so he won't be uncomfortable or embarrassed at the wedding.   My Husband has told me to tell him that he is willing to consider it provided we get to put all our cards on the table in the presence of a family therapist.

We tried so hard to get them to understand. Over and over.  No dice.  Any hint of criticism and a narc rage occurs.  We both know therapy is futile.   My parents are elderly with health problems.

I wanted to just be superficial, play nice for photos and maintain low contact.  I am trying to just hang in there because they are old.  I know they don't really give a shot about me or my family.  They just want the Norman Rockwell picture for everyone to see.  Husband says he Refused to validate their wretched treatment of us during such an awful time of crisis.  My family went through SO much in addition to our sons addiction, he totaled 2 cars,  was found unresponsive in a ditch. Spent a week in a psych ward, husband had herniated disc, we all had covid.  I am a front line worker.  Our dog died, My other son had appendicitis. We moved from our home of 27 years, Father in law died.  Thanks to them I was on FMLA for 2 months due to major depression.  All while getting the silent treatment from my FOO.  I endured narcissistic rage from them when I tried to explain why my husband was upset with them in 2018.   My Dad and sister physically kept me from leaving after they insulted my in lawss, Mom threatened to call the police cause I wanted to leave (crazy) then then she faked heart attack symptoms.  This was the day before my husband started a new job and my youngest son's first day of college!

At this point I am so tired of dealing with it.   I am talking to them, both sons speak to them.  I wish they would just leave hubby alone

[lkdrymom]

So your father is embarrassed that there is a rift in the family but refuses to take ownership of the part he played.  Can't have it both ways.  Go to the weddings but just be cooly polite to them. You don't want to fight but you also don't want to be friends either.

[DaisiesRpretty]

Well my call didn't go well.  As usual, "Let's just forget about it and go back to the way things were before"  "I said I was sorry, what more does he want"  As to the family counselor, why do we have to talk about it in-front of 1/2 the county?"  My reply not 1/2 the county just one counselor.  His reply "I guess that's it then, some people just can't forgive"  I stayed calm.  I listened.  He said he wanted to hear what my husband was upset about,   I gave an example.  They don't get it, they don't want to get it.   I told him "I still speak to you, the boys still speak to you, maybe that can be good enough"   SSooo excited that Father's Day is next week.

[DaisiesRpretty]

Thank you for your response. I appreciate you reading my post.

[SunnyMeadow]

This sounds a lot like what I dealt with. My dh hated my mother and the feeling was mutual from her.

I wanted to just be superficial, play nice for photos and maintain low contact.  I am trying to just hang in there because they are old.

I am talking to them, both sons speak to them.  I wish they would just leave hubby alone

Exactly what I did. A few years ago, my dh said "I'm done with her". I wasn't done because I didn't want to rock the boat because of the whole elderly thing.  (I did this long before she was elderly too ) So I told her dh didn't want a relationship with her after her latest bullshit with our daughter's social media post being turned into my mother's sob-fest. You would have thought dh stabbed her in the neck from afar. This women lost it, full blown rage. My anxiety went sky high and I ended up appeasing her again. So after this I visited alone which actually worked out quite well. Throughout the years my dh would say little things to egg her on and get her aggravated. I knew it was just going to set her off and it did. That's how much he disliked her. So you and your sons visiting them without your dh can work very well. Less stress for all. Not ideal but your parents aren't ideal either. I did whatever I could to get through the end of her life without too many waves. She was a similar age to your parents. She died recently.

My mother NEVER apologized for anything. Oh, she did a non-committal one here and there, just like your dad did. They just don't think they do anything wrong. My mother never ever thought she did anything wrong. In fact, she always like to say I'm right.  Yuck.

You and your family have been through the wringer! I'm so sorry to read all that you went through, way too much. Please keep posting ♥

[DaisiesRpretty]

Did you recognize a family pattern?  I swear, My Mom has turned into my GrandDad and my  Dad has similar behavior s as his Mom.
I have learned a lot.  Now the challenge is to put it into practice.  I am trying really hard to let people own their own stuff and not feel responsible for every thing.  I know that my husband has Really good reasons for hating them.   We received NO compassion from them!  When I told t them things like "I'm devastated, or humiliated"   it was like I said that I liked chocolate icecream.  No response. And Mom was sure the tell me that my son must have inherited the alcoholism from my Husband's side of the family.  I was shamed more than once for them thinking I dared to love my in-laws more than them.  It Never occurred to me that there was a hierarchy of who I was allowed to love.   My in-laws were a warm hug and a soft place to land.  My FOO was NOT!  The unspoken rule "Thou shalt not love anyone more than us".  They demanded to be #1 in my life while I was always #?????? I'm theirs.
So weird to be realizing these things now, at 55.   I suffered so much from anxiety and depression in my young adulthood.  Now I know why.   I am more than a little but haunted by what I don't rember.   I always made excuses for them.  I still feel a bond.   With my sister, I can go no contact.  I don't EVER want to be treated that way by ANYONE ever again.  But Mom and Dad........ I kept a journal through this period, I reread it just so I don't forget it was real.I

Thank you so much for your reply.  I think I actually might enjoy the wedding more now that have pretty much told them to leave him a lone.

[Cat of the Canals]

Did you recognize a family pattern? 

It took me a while to see it, but my NPD/BPD mom has absolutely turned into my BPD grandmother. One difference is that my grandmother seemed to lean more heavily on "waif" behaviors. She was always ill and depressed and anxious about something and everyone else was expected to "DO SOMETHING." But she definitely also had "queen" moments where everything had to be Her Way. My mom sticks mostly to the queen behaviors. She waifs on rare occasions, but for some reason she tends to only do it to her friends and my brother. I wonder if she did it one too many times to me when I was very young, and I stopped reacting? Like you, there's a lot of my childhood I don't remember very clearly.

There might come a time that you need to set a boundary with your family in regards to your husband. I.E. "I'm not discussing this topic any further." My mom desperately wanted access to my husband, but he was wary of her from the start. He pretty much refused to spend time with my parents. And for maybe a year, I felt very put in the middle. Which is exactly what my mother wanted. I was taught that my mother ALWAYS gets what she wants. It finally dawned on me at some point that he is an adult and thus free to make his own choices. And from that point forward, when my mom started up with the guilt trip about wanting my H to join us for some family function, I stopped discussing it. I'd give a vague, "I don't know, we'll see." and leave it at that. She still asks from time to time (nearly 20 years later!), but I feel nothing now but a vague twinge of annoyance.

[Fiasco]

So your father is embarrassed that there is a rift in the family but refuses to take ownership of the part he played.  Can't have it both ways.  Go to the weddings but just be cooly polite to them. You don't want to fight but you also don't want to be friends either.

This for sure. I was starting to say just remind dad that nobody at the wedding will be paying attention to him or caring about whether he's BFF with his son in law but then I remembered, duh, there's no convincing some people they aren't number one on everyone's mind. I didn't invite BPDm's ex husband to my wedding many years ago because she freaked out about what would everyone think of her that she's had two divorces! Like he was going to wear a sign identifying him as "failed marriage 2".

Anyhoo. Best you can do is remind him there's no traditional "grandad of the groom and groom's aunt's husband" dance at most weddings and nobody will care.

[DaisiesRpretty]

Thank you both for responding.  I am going to get out of the middle!
"He is his own person and you will have to deal with him directly." I think will be my response.  They are not courageous people.  That will never happen. 

The idea of the Grandad of the groom and the husband of the aunt dance made me chuckle!

[moglow]

Maybe [if you decide to entertain his complaints in future] tell dad that when we hurt and disregard others, we don't get to decide when it's time for them to move on. We don't get to force half assed makepeace fauxpologies on them and continue on as before. If he can't even tell you what the apology is for, it's worthless anyway. It's just words and air making him feel he's done something. Yay him.

You wrote them a letter, spelled it all out for them, confirmed that they got it. Nothing. You've maintained a superficial relationship with them since. And still they hold over you that your husb needs to forgive. News flash: we can forgive and still absolutely choose to not continue a relationship. Or we can choose to continue on, without either forgiveness or the relationship. You'd think it was clear by now he just wants to be left out of it.

As mentioned above, it's probably [past] time to make it clear that conversation is over. You dont answer for him. Your husband is an adult and perfectly able to choose who he wants to spend his time with, and he has. Done. If he changes his mind I'm sure he'll let them know. I'm also sure he's capable of attending the wedding and enjoying the occasion without a scene. Adults do that - what your parents choose to do is totally on them. Leave it there, for your own peace of mind. You're not a referee and at this point I'd imagine you're teetering on the edge of leaving them alone yourself. Again you're an adult snd that's your choice.

Just curious, have they apologized to YOU for any of the fracas or do they think that's somehow not needed?

[p123]

I had similar. Wife picked up on Dads antics way before I did....
I had to change or I'd be divorced now. Dad didn't like it when I changed things and even now I wonder if it was all deliberate (if I got divorced maybe he planned for me to move in with him I think).

Dad (together with my FM brother) were awful to her as well I must admit. So she decided she wanted nothing to do with him.
Her choice, and totally justified with whats hes done.

Of course, Dad eventually noticed. Tried his usual - "You need to sort out the wife of yours".
In the end, I sat him down and told him it was up to her, she can make her own choice, its not surprising with the way he behaved. He moaned for a bit its forgotten about now.

Hes not seen my wife for over 2 years now or either of his grandchildren. (Different reason he wasn't interested when they visited and even said a few times "what did you bring her for?" because all he focuses on is me and what he can get from me, so I stopped taking them).

He doesnt seem at all concerned which is sad - as long as he gets his narc supply from me he doesn't need anyone else.

OP - Husb sounds like a nice reasonable man. Put your own family first.....