Staying due to cost of divorce

[Nonamenoshame]

Myself and my uDPDW have been back and forth about divorce. My gut says it's the last thing she wants so she makes a big deal out of the costs and how I will only be able to see the kids in the aftermath at the court appointed times etc. and although that is a huge issue I think I could argue my case well enough once in there the problem lies in the inability to afford a lawyer or even at this moment pay for the filing of a divorce. So I suppose I'm wondering how many others have stalled on making that move due to costs?

[Poison Ivy]

You definitely need to think about whether you could afford to live as a divorced person: that is, pay child support if ordered to do so, not split housing costs, and so on. If the filing fee is an obstacle to starting a divorce action, this suggests that money is so tight for you that being divorced might not be possible at this point. But you might be better off financially if you're single, too. So look at the long term (how finances would be after a divorce is granted), and then decide whether it's worth scraping up the money to file.

[escapingman]

I really can't think of anything worse than being stuck. Can you separate and live separate lives without divorcing? How old are your children? I found that despite me going through my divorce and events leading up to it for years the only thing that really moved me and the divorce on properly was no contact. Can you achieve that in any way? I wish you all the love and luck in the world. I know exactly what you are going through.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Everyone has a different story, especially with finances. I stayed because I was afraid of what it would cost me. Wish I could have faced my fears a lot earlier. Yes, It's going to be hard, but living without my narcissist husband is soo much cheaper in the way that our lives no longer revolve @ his needs.  Between his food preferences, toys, medicine, etc....He was expensive.

[Nonamenoshame]

Thanks you for your insights everyone. It is a difficult part of the process. Oddly enough I would probably have a little more in my pocket after a divorce seen as though as it stands everything is paid by me, yet that would require my spouse to give up the apartment and therefore add even more disruption to the children who are happy there. So if it comes down to it I'll gladly pay the rent to keep them there and stay at my cousins until a few more $$$ can be sorted ti find somewhere closer to them

[rockandhardplace]

It's remarkable how the PD person can twist every situation. Is she a stay home mom? I ask that as I am and the current excuse for why my uPDH won't consider separation is that I don't have a job. I'm a stay home mum, I have no job, no family in the country and yet once after a rage when I said we can't keep living like this it's so bad for the kids he told me I should pack my bags and leave! Seemed quite shocked when I said no way was I going to leave my home. We own our house outright and he has a very well paid job. I'm coming to the end of my degree and hope to find work early next year. I'm so curious as to what his excuse will be then!!
I don't know what the laws in your country/state are but I would be finding out what is realistic after divorce as far as splitting assets, child support, spousal maintenance. Where I live it's hard to get SM even as a stay home mum, but I'll probably get bigger share of assets. Keeping kids in their home is ideal and I really admire your desire for that, but that might not be possible. Your kids will need their non-PD parent around as much as possible. I'd recommend reading bill eady's book "splitting' about divorcing a high conflict person. I think he recommends saving a certain amount for lawyers fees and for fighting false accusations, fighting for time with kids etc. Be ready to compromise to put your childrens needs first, but make sure it's still fair for you. If she's a stay home mom and kids are young that might mean offering support for a set number of years so she can get back into the workforce. As the sahm I feel completely vulnerable and powerless as I literally could not leave and set up a new home. It sounds like your PDw has made you feel the same way even though it sounds like you are the one with the job? How do they do that?!?!

[Nonamenoshame]

Rockandhardplace she is stay at home, not really by choice I will say, she does work 2 days a week when she can she was very good at her job but complimented with my eldest meant she's had to stop working. Hopefully that will change this coming school year. In reality we have no assets, we don't own our car it's leased (in my name, she has full use of it) and we rent our apartment so there really isn't much to sift through come divorce bar what I'll have to pay and time with the kids. I hope that I can make some more $$ soon so that I could get a place nearer to here and be able to see the kids as much as possible. I live on the east coast here in America so it's expensive for almost everything. My job pays well but when that check has to pay for 99% of the expenses is where it gets tricky to afford much else. I will look up that book you mentioned. I'm making a list of all the literature that's recommended to me on here. You're also correct in the feeling that I can't set up new, yes I work but the guilt that is layered on, the feeling then off being obliged to be here with her and give her the things she says she needs that I say I can't give( intimacy etc) become so mentally draining but it's like I can see myself going but once I'm here by her and it comes up the trigger goes off and it's relentless and then the kids are around and she will not agree to co parenting in a way that's not what she "needs"