Options

StartingHealing · June 13, 2022, 12:30:39 PM

This may be a confusing post but hopefully this will help me figure things out.

Been working on myself, which is fairly new, been doing the No JADE-ing, SET, and remembering that she has a PD. that she isn't a person of normalcy. If that makes sense. Boundaries are being implemented, slowly. All of this is still pretty new to me. Along with standing up for myself. Which is at times very uncomfortable. Yet, the more I do it, the more at ease I am.

I realized that I have "power" in the relationship with the wBPD. 50% of the relationship is my responsibility, right? Then add in that I had given my power over instead of holding it close and acting in my own self interest. Not being a a-hole about anything, but a body can only go for so long accepting the falsities of another. Sooner or later, the bodily systems will rebel. You know?

Some of the things that I have found to be useful to me in this journey besides the resources here, reading a ton, but then adding in some critical thinking skills, and various podcasts / videos / etc.

From a podcast " Take a step back, widen your field of view, take a breath and then see things as they are and then decide."

Currently, the no JADE-ing, SET, MC, grey rock, boundaries, have definitely helped the relationship ... and yet.

I have been working on being able to "see" what actually is, how she actually is, rather than being stuck in being in love with a fantasy that I had created in my own head. At the beginning with the mirroring and love bombing.. then the machinations after...

Now, I'm starting to accept that I do have options. To be transparent, this is my 3rd marriage.

What options do I have? I'm starting to explore that area. Some of the questions I have are:

Do I stay in the relationship? What are the probabilities of obtaining a decent / good relationship if I stay?

While I am staying in the relationship, continuing on with getting my degree in cybersecurity, or do I not?

Do I leave this relationship? If I do, what are the probabilities of where I will end up? what kind of crap will I have to go through to get there?

Do I stay in the relationship but attempt to find what I need as a human male outside of the relationship?

I'm attempting to remain objective in all of this. Not denying my emotions but at the same time, not allowing them to cloud my vision of things, if that makes sense.

I've posted before of being "enmeshed" with her. I do believe that I am well along the path on reversing that.

A thank you to everyone here that has helped me get to this point. It is appreciated.

peace

square · June 13, 2022, 02:58:37 PM

Hi,

I really resonate with grappling with the idea that we as nons do have power in the relationship despite the unbalancing effects of PD. I'm still exploring how to take my power back and have made some strides. It's important to me to fully own myself without treading on others, letting them own themselves.

Btw, what is SET?

Good list of questions to explore. They are all personal to you. However, I recommend not fulfilling sexual needs outside of the relationship - if unmet needs are the red line, then end the relationship and meet them honestly. You do have that right.

StartingHealing · June 13, 2022, 06:06:14 PM

Quote from: square on June 13, 2022, 02:58:37 PM
Hi,

I really resonate with grappling with the idea that we as nons do have power in the relationship despite the unbalancing effects of PD. I'm still exploring how to take my power back and have made some strides. It's important to me to fully own myself without treading on others, letting them own themselves.

Btw, what is SET?

Sympathy Empathy Truth.

Good list of questions to explore. They are all personal to you. However, I recommend not fulfilling sexual needs outside of the relationship - if unmet needs are the red line, then end the relationship and meet them honestly. You do have that right.

1footouttadefog · June 14, 2022, 10:37:50 AM

Your degree, the challenges on the path to the future and many things you mention might possibly be separate issues from your relationship issues.

There will always be certain challenges encountered in life.

Don't try to map all aspects of your future as part of a decision regarding your relationship and whether or not to stay in it.

escapingman · June 14, 2022, 11:48:21 AM

Quote from: 1footouttadefog on June 14, 2022, 10:37:50 AM
Your degree, the challenges on the path to the future and many things you mention might possibly be separate issues from your relationship issues.

There will always be certain challenges encountered in life.

Don't try to map all aspects of your future as part of a decision regarding your relationship and whether or not to stay in it.

I understand what you are saying here 1foot, but everything you take on in life whilst with a PD becomes a hurdle. I did follow my dreams on some things but had to work hard as uNPDw did anything to try to sabotage and stop me. I still have lots of dreams that I know I can only fulfil properly without her so I understand StartingHealing completely.

StaringHealing, I was in your situation for many years pretending all was fine and tried to justify and get on with things. In the end it was untenable and I had to start separation. I am not saying you have to, but life is certainly more peaceful now - and I am only 3 weeks in.

StartingHealing · June 14, 2022, 02:27:11 PM

Hello y'all,

These questions were holistic in nature. Attempting to get a 5 mile high view.

Admittedly, some of these questions could be construed to be on the harsh side. However, the situation is harsh in many ways.

Yes, she has a PD but does that remove the requirement for self responsibility on her part?

I also came across something that also helped me. It's a acronym of the typical language used.
Shame
Insults
Guilt
Need to be right

Poison Ivy · June 14, 2022, 05:48:42 PM

Perhaps these could be summed up as "what do I want in life and can I get them if I remain in this relationship?" Each person's answers will vary.

StartingHealing · June 15, 2022, 03:21:45 PM

Quote from: Poison Ivy on June 14, 2022, 05:48:42 PM
Perhaps these could be summed up as "what do I want in life and can I get them if I remain in this relationship?" Each person's answers will vary.

Good way to put it

Poison Ivy · June 15, 2022, 04:54:14 PM

Not to imply the questions are easy to answer or that even if we can answer them, we have the means and the courage to take action.

StartingHealing · June 17, 2022, 02:28:06 PM

Quote from: Poison Ivy on June 15, 2022, 04:54:14 PM
Not to imply the questions are easy to answer or that even if we can answer them, we have the means and the courage to take action.

Than you Poison. I'm working on it. I'm thinking her recent blowup is more of an extinction burst since I'm implementing the tools and techniques I've learned / learning here.