Romantic issues

[Bella]

Hello, I am not sure if it's the right place to right this.
But I grew up wit a narcM and an overall complicated environment.
I was quite certain I was asexual for a couple of years but turnout I rarely find someone I find attractive and they are all the same type. Those people are either complicated and unavailable but If they ask me out I always here myself saying no instead of the yes I wanted to say. I didn't believe in relationships or love  in my early 20s but I met someone 5 years that made me hope for a little bit, but I wasn't ready so I pushed him away. In 2018 I had changed my mind about a lot of things and I was certain I would meet the right person before 2020 but that of course didn't happen and to be fair I wasn't ready either but it still (I know this is irrational).
Someone told me they loved me and I got really angry.  I also hate being touched in most cases.
I am writing this because I need to figure the relationship thing and I was wondering if anyone has any insights or a similar situation.
I would appreciate it.

[pianissimo]

Someone told me they loved me and I got really angry.  I also hate being touched in most cases.

All I can say is, this doesn't necessarily mean it was love that was offered to you and you are the one who couldn't accept it. You possibly have good reasons for having such reactions, even if you aren't aware of them yet.

From your post, it seems like you can't understand yourself. A lot of people go to therapy to understand their motivations, or experiences better. I didn't have the opportunity, but I use media resources. I guess I would look up what I'm struggling with and check what might apply to me.

[blacksheep7]

Hi Bella
Your upbringing would have a lot to do with it.  What kind of a relationship did you have with your father?  Something to look into.

I had a Raging narc father, lived in fear with his threats and authority. He never showed affection which complicated my romantic relationships greatly, always picking the wrong men. 

I also DID NOT like being touched by men who I didn't know personally, then again depending who it was. Don't stand too close to me, especially inches away from my face. I had a boss that would always give that tap on the arm or shoulder when he was fired up in some discussion.  I let him know.

When I would use public transport, toooo close for comfort.    I am still eneasy about that.   I think it is a question of trust and intimacy.  I was scared when men would come on too strong, too good to be true.

On this site, there are the  posts in chosen relationships and book reviews that you could identify with.

Also on internet with reference to books you might want to read.   

Both have helped me.

[Bella]

Sorry to respond so late the last weeks have been hectic and full of drama.  To blacksheep7 I have an Narc M and maybe other things, and the man she had me with (I refuse to give him any title) is on a spectrum: Asperger maybe but he tended to be verbally violent and threatening, I was told to go away when I was send by M to spent time with him. I had sun h a bad feeling around the divorce that I would make the rounds to make sure the bedrooms doors were close and I slept with a knife around. 2 years after the divorce I cut all contact with him. But I had a good relationship with my grandpa until his death.
I think romantically I am fucked up, between the trust issues and the kind of person I need around to both appease me and challenge me , there is currently someone who fits those niche, I think he has add like me and I am definitely smitten sadly the relationship cannot go anywhere but I am surprised he still managed to make me feel like that.
Sorry this is a bit confused but my concern is that my feelings are really shallow and they have been like that for awhile about a lot of things but romantically it's since that debacle of 2020. I don't know if I find peace will it resolve itself or if I should just consider that I can't properly form attachments. Therapy doesn't help with this.