Following your instincts

[Stillirise]

I wanted to give a little update, now that I'm past 2 years separated, and 1 year divorced, from updxh. With the swamp that was the aftermath in my rear-view, some things are now more clear.  As most of us here have been following EM and others, that are in the midst of it, I thought this might be a good time to reflect on what I've learned.

In the middle of the storm, I was forced to make decisions based on what I thought was likely to happen down the road.  As we all know from experience with PD's, that's a hard spot to be in.  What I've learned is 9/10 times, what my gut said would likely happen has come to pass.  I made a gamble on custody and finances, with the feeling that my xh would be more concerned with money, and the appearance of being a good father, than with actually spending time with the kids.  As awful as that sounds, it has continued to play out exactly that way.

I never went around telling others I thought he would behave this way. I simply made decisions based on that premise, while actually hoping he might prove me wrong.  He did not.

While we all have different scenarios here, I think this could be a useful takeaway for others.  When your gut tells you how the PD will react, even if it flies in the face of normal, decent behaviors or social norms, don't be afraid to make your decisions based on your gut.  I let him "win" some battles and play victim at times during the negotiations and settlement, so that I could win the war.  Let the PD prove your theory themselves in the long haul.  Now that I'm Out of the FOG and away, I feel like can often see his actions and decisions coming way before he does.  My kids have awhile before they're adults, so I'm playing the long game, and anything can happen.  However, I still have my eye on the prize. Best wishes everyone!

[Poison Ivy]

Thanks for this post. My main "following my instincts" was to propose a property division that would require as little work by my spouse as possible, while also being fair and equitable. As I expected, even the very minimal things he had to do to carry out the divorce provisions, such as signing papers prepared by me and our financial planner, were a struggle for him to accomplish.

[11JB68]

Poison ivy that's interesting.  When I've been very close to leaving I've actually drawn up a draft agreement,  feeling that uocpdh would possibly just sign as long as it was fair,  rather than spend time/effort/money to fight it

[pushit]

Excellent post, and I totally agree.  PDs can be incredibly predictable, once you're viewing them from outside the storm.  I often view things the way you describe: win the war, not the battles.  In my opinion, there is one victory I have to get, and that is releasing healthy kids into the world.  All the little battles along the way don't mean that much.  She can win some of those, as long as the war is won.  Cheers!

[SonofThunder]

Stillrise,

Thank you so much for posting your experiences.  In the bog of many unknowns, going with 'gut' is the only real 'known' since past has taught us to trust our experiences and that PD's are sadly predictable.  But the bog has a way of weighing us down. Your post is full of wisdom and insight and is empowering and energizing. 

"When your gut tells you how the PD will react, even if it flies in the face of normal, decent behaviors or social norms, don't be afraid to make your decisions based on your gut.  I let him "win" some battles and play victim at times during the negotiations and settlement, so that I could win the war."

This...This right here. 

SoT

[Stillirise]

  In my opinion, there is one victory I have to get, and that is releasing healthy kids into the world.  All the little battles along the way don't mean that much.

And yes, I also made it as effortless as possible for the xh, as far as paperwork, etc during the divorce.  He still dragged it out for 1.5 years.  Now that we’re well past that, I still make it easy for him to shirk his parenting responsibilities.  Although, I think he’s had a rude awakening, when it comes to his paperwork and bills. That’s no longer my problem.   

SoT…thank you!  I’ve learned so much from this community. I wouldn’t be where I am without it.  I feel it’s my duty to occasionally shine a light for those who are still in the darkest days.

[Lauren17]

Thank you so very much for this reminder. It's very timely for me. We are in the thick of it now, with professional evaluators and our court date looming. It's so easy to get caught up in the details and forget the big picture.
I'm beginning to see that, in the middle of divorce from a PD, it's impossible to be completely calm and rationale. Maybe, just maybe, this reminder to trust my gut will help to eliminate some of the swirl in my head.

[escapingman]

Thank you so much for posting this, it really helps for me being in the middle of it.

I can relate so much to gut instinct and knowing how uNPDx will react. My solicitors wants to follow the standard protocol that works in 99% of their cases, but that's with two non PD's divorcing. But I think they are starting to see now and I am pushing for my way as I know how she likely react. My solicitor proposed that we present a fair financial settlement, I am very much against this as whatever we offer uNPDx she will feel entitled to more. Therefor, we need to offer as little as possible, she might even accept it as that would give her more victim status. Right now, she surprised everyone by moving out, I was not as surprised to be honest and I had been waiting for when she was going to just move back to her mums and claim royal victimhood.

As for letting them win battles, I am letting her do that as well. That keeps her busy winning unimportant things being happy about that whilst I am concentrating on winning the war. She has never been able to see the big picture on any project we ever done and always concentrated on small details. At the moment she is fully occupied by getting small amounts of money out of the bank account, and also of course smearing me to GC and whoever else she is currently seeing (mainly uNPDmil I suspect).

It is so good to read posts from you people that have walked the tight rope and ended up in peace on the other side. That's all I want, peace for me and the girls. Thanks again!

[falsebalance2]

This is very helpful. Keep it coming from the other side.

I was worried about the route I'm taking - because it goes against some legal advice...

But I needed to find a safe landing for the children and myself.

I felt every emotion possible as I see the light at the end of this tunnel....But I needed your way of putting it to see.....

I am simply giving him opportunity to prove me terribly wrong.

And I wish he would prove me wrong...

Sadly I must make the moves in the event he doesn't.

He agreed to a non-invasive quick divorce but I think he did the math and realized he loses all the benefits of me being caretaker and quickly went back to "I can't lose you I'll fight for you." In word only...no deed.

I am going to see if I got the place and then tell him the next steps.