Holding back, but want to explode

Lilyloo · June 11, 2022, 03:07:29 PM

Months go by and mommy dear doesn't message. I wont talk to her on the phone. The silent treatment is to get to me. If she only knew it's wonderful! I refused to reply to last message after she bashed my sister in law for the hundredth time. Months go by and today when I'm down with a wrenched back she sends a long boohoo pity party. "Sorry I haven't been in touch, but I'm so sick" oh how many times do I hear this one. I refused to drive her 40 miles anymore to 'her fix' doctors. That's what it is 'her fix' today proves it. She says shes been to two doctors. One in the town she lives, one just 5 miles away. Why 2!! I can tell you why. The first didnt
tell her what she needs. Her fix!! She says they think shingles. THINK? Well she got some cream. I know antivirals are given for shingles. Or she may have psoriasis arthritis. MIGHT? oh and these doctors are doing nothing. Lol!! Of course they aren't. She needs her fix. So says she will call the squad. What!! Or she will get her steroid shot at the fix place. They gave her cream but shes planning bigger cures. Oh and I said I'm down with my back. That shut her up!! Sadly I will never get a 'hope you feel better'. Venting and spewing. Lol. I have to and thank you for listening to it all! By the way I never tell her if I'm ill. The uncaring Very mentally ill N mom doesn't give a hoot. You know, all of you live it too. We all deserved better

Andeza · June 11, 2022, 03:47:42 PM

Oh yeah, we get it. I learned before NC that I couldn't tell uBPDm any time I was sick. I remember the "textbooks" of her latest medical drama, too. They never knew what was wrong with her either. (Probably nothing other than the raging, untreated mental illness honestly, but I'm fairly sure she's addicted to her medications)

It's hard dealing with people that think the world and everybody in their orbit revolves around them. Because we certainly live for the latest medical update/hoover/drama.

Same playbook, lol.

Pepin · June 11, 2022, 03:55:50 PM

You are right -- we all deserved better -- which is why we have to step in with self care and give ourselves what we never got. PDs just looooooooooove to play the health card, garnering sympathy and attention wherever they can get it. And the sad part is that they truly believe that their "health" concerns are legit worse than anyone else's which is why your mother is unable to even acknowledge yours. PDs are top notch when it comes to reinventing the wheel because they believe that it was never invented in the first place. They need a golden wheel especially for them. Me this, me that, me, me, me, me, meeeeeee......

Years ago I was discarded by NF. Best years of my life. Worst mistake was to reconcile with him and then angrily go NC. If she is giving you the ST, run with it. If you have to have some sort of contact, keep up the stiff boundaries that are supported by your personal deal breakers. Perhaps write down your deal breakers and keep that nearby to ensure that you stick to them. She's a big girl - hold her to that.

SunnyMeadow · June 11, 2022, 04:28:30 PM

Well, I hope you feel better Lilyloo!

You're so right that we all deserved better.

Lilyloo · June 11, 2022, 06:56:16 PM

Thank you Sunny! Hoping you are doing OK after all you've been through. Pepin, Thank you. I am keeping the boundaries close by. She thinks it's ok to never contact me unless its about her. No not anymore. Andeza, Thank you. All of our moms sound like one person. It is so "textbook" Hugs to each of you

bee well · June 12, 2022, 12:59:46 AM

Hi Lilyloo,

Sorry to hear about your back, but glad to hear you are not buying into the "competition of pain" bit, and are leaning into self care! That's a victory!

Lilyloo · June 12, 2022, 04:35:48 AM

Thank you bee well. I am trying and have had the courage to not allow her to guilt me. That is a win! Just a few years ago I would have been crying and a mess.

Lilyloo · June 12, 2022, 04:52:46 AM

I want to add this. Everytime she messages it begins "Sorry I haven't been in touch, but I am sick" Every single time! This surely shows that I'm only a sounding board. There has never been any conversations other than about her. It took me until my mid 50s to see this just wasn't right or normal. Now years later and because of this forum and all of you, I was able to see this is not acceptable behavior. I had always felt a huge burden of guilt. I see now that she sits and gets annoyed I do not message her, so her way of contact is the health game. I often wonder how it could have been or felt to be joyful to get a message from a loving mother. Instead I just say oh no and know what's coming., and keep the boundaries. The fact I have all of you here who live it and feel it and know exactly how it has hurt keeps me moving forward and knowing that we do matter. I'm glad I did not explode but instead came here. So grateful for this forum

lkdrymom · June 12, 2022, 01:37:46 PM

My father's opening to every phone call was "I've got a problem....". I would tense up every time the phone rang.

Lilyloo · June 17, 2022, 02:53:19 AM

Ikdrymom, so sad he does that to you. So self absorbed they are. What do they think we are? It's clear they have no love or concern for us. My GC brother gets taken care of.

p123 · June 23, 2022, 05:27:37 AM

Oh yes been there. Every single call "Hi Dad" is met with "Ive been ill".
I could tell you some stories. Banned from calling an ambulance now, banned from home visits from his GP. We've had 2 A&E visits recently.

Also I dont tell him when Im ill either. I had a nasty chest infection once, couldnt speak. He kept phoning. I had enough - I said look I'll call you in a day or two I need rest. So 10amnext day hes calling, I ignored it. 25 missed calls. Then I get nasty facebook messages from my brother "why are you being so selfish and not speaking to Dad he just wants to check you're ok".
When I did speak to Dad next day his excuse "I was worried you were really ill and wanted to make sure you're ok".

Im 54 years old. My wife is nurse..... Im not going to die at home of a chest infection.

Boat Babe · June 24, 2022, 04:29:51 AM

Quote from: Lilyloo on June 12, 2022, 04:35:48 AM
Thank you bee well. I am trying and have had the courage to not allow her to guilt me. That is a win! Just a few years ago I would have been crying and a mess.

So good to hear this. YOU are healing because you are doing the work. I am very happy for you.

Jolie40 · July 06, 2022, 12:33:41 PM

before I went NC, should have learned when calling not to ask "how are you?"
answer was always "not too good" & I'd hear about latest condition whether it be real OR made up
i.e. PD parent once said "I have osteoporosis" so about a month later I asked about it
reply was "oh, I don't have that"

LOL

p123 · July 07, 2022, 05:32:03 AM

Quote from: Jolie40 on July 06, 2022, 12:33:41 PM
before I went NC, should have learned when calling not to ask "how are you?"
answer was always "not too good" & I'd hear about latest condition whether it be real OR made up
i.e. PD parent once said "I have osteoporosis" so about a month later I asked about it
reply was "oh, I don't have that"

LOL

I stopped asking but now every phone call he answers the phone and doesn't even say hello he says something like "I'm really struggling".
Drama for the sake of it.

I often wonder what he'll be like if he ever got anything serious. I pray when his time comes he just goes peacefully without a long illness.