Unspoken expectations

[palmtreeparadise]

So to give some context - my PDMOM was out of town for months and wasn't present for fathers day. I have been visiting my dad every weekend when i can and on fathers day i went by with my sister. We thought we would just take him to lunch but that didn't happen so we just hung out with him for a bit and that was nice.

Prior to seeing him i went shopping for a fathers day gift.. but i couldn't find what i was looking for. And i was overthinking a lot - i didn't think he would care for a card and i didn't think he would really want flowers so i made the decision to show up empty handed thinking lunch would be happening and i would pay for that.  I think my dad is pretty easy going and he wouldn't mind, and we had a nice fathers day visiting him.

Fast forward to today i am on a call with my mom and she asks me why we didn't get anything for my dad.. she was sort of upset but i finally stood up for myself and explained myself... I think in a way she was fired up and angry for my dad but my dad didn't seem upset.. I don't know.

I feel like whichever decision i make is wrong in her eyes and there are so many upspoken expectations that no matter what I will lose. does anyone else deal with this?

[Sneezy]

First of all, you and your sister gave your dad a wonderful Father's Day gift.  It sounds like he was happy that you took the time to come and see him and hang out with him.  Many dads would prefer to hang out with their kids much more than they would appreciate a card, flowers, or even lunch.  So don't let your mom make you feel bad. 

As far as the unspoken expectations, that is classic behavior for someone with a PD.  It's very passive aggressive and it's meant to make you always feel a little uneasy.  Your mom wants you to keep questioning in the back of your mind - is there something I didn't do, did I do something wrong, is there something my mom needs, am I taking care of my mom and fulfilling all her needs, etc. etc. etc.

I have found that the best tools for dealing with this type of behavior (and most PD behavior) are medium chill and setting firm boundaries.  You aren't obligated to explain yourself to your mom.  But in this case, a short and simple explanation, followed by a change in subject, makes sense.  Try to keep your disapproving mom out of your head (I know, easier said than done, right).  You don't have to cater to her every demand, whether it's unspoken or said out loud.  Keep your conversations with her light and breezy as much as possible.

[Cat of the Canals]

PDmom and PDmil both do this: try to shame you on behalf of a third party (who probably doesn't care). In fact, they are almost more likely to do it for a third party than for themselves. Sometimes it's out of manipulation, but other times I think it's simply a way to keep you in the guilt/shame cycle. I've come to respond to this with a clear medium chill boundary: "If dad's upset, he can speak to me about it himself." or "This is a discussion between me and [third party]. It doesn't concern you."

[Spring Butterfly]

I feel like whichever decision i make is wrong in her eyes and there are so many upspoken expectations that no matter what I will lose. does anyone else deal with this?

Yes it's called a double bind
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/no-win-situations-and-lose-lose-scenarios

I learned to make my own choices and chose to disconnect from expectations. Mine are all about unspoken expectations that no human on the planet would be able to meet. They need a team of people and I'm just one person. I am not responsible for the contract we signed for such expectations since #1 I was not aware of the expectation and #2 I didn't agree to meet your expectation and #3 I have the human right to make my own choices regardless of the choice others would prefer I make. I can go on with the list but you get the idea. Good boundaries and owning them begin with knowing you have the human right to your own personhood and individuating.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/grey-rock-safe-detachment

[wisingup]

My uBPDmom always had high expectations for Mothers Day and birthdays.  She would pout and complain if whatever we did didn't measure up.  The result was that I hated and dreaded these days & whatever I did was done grudgingly.  I just tried to ward off any meltdown.  Today, I no longer acknowledge MD in any form & I send flowers for her birthday & call it done.

We never pushed the issue with our own kids.  Which means there's usually little to no acknowledgement of Mothers & Fathers day at all.  However, our day to day relationships with our kids are great, so who cares?  This year, younger D offered to bake me a cake a few days after MD as she had missed it.  It was lovely, and done from the heart!

[moglow]

I smell jealousy and insecurity and senseless comparisons here, and that's all on her. Had you gifted anything more than your time together, I'm guessing that would have been weighed and measured against whatever you've done for her as well. Maybe she's jealous you spent time with him, *wanted* to be with him and enjoyed yourselves. Sad thing is she probably beat him over the head with it too. Mine would totally do that and continue hold it over my head long after its sell-by date.

It had nothing to do with her, her presence or anything else. You DARED spend time with Dad unsupervised and without her input! It'll take some effort on your part, but I hope you come to understand that not everything is about her and her expectations. She has them just like anyone else, that still doesn't make it yours.