Friend wit DPD

[LDAinTN]

Hello. I think my situation is a little unique in that the relationship is with a friend, and the personality disorder that she has is Dependent Personality Disorder. I've been friends with this person for more than thirty years. She doesn't seem to have any interests except socializing and doesn't really share any interests with her friends or spouse.  (My therapist tells me that this is unique even for DPD)  She seems to rely on others to fill her free time, although most of the time, the conversation on her end is complaining or reminiscing about going out with friends in the past.. She can be very sweet but inserts herself into a lot of situations and has a way of making things all about her. When some people went NC with her in the Winter of 2020, she exhibited narcissistic symptoms with her lack of concern for their boundaries and comfort.

I've never really been great at navigating this relationship. I was out of touch with her altogether for a while, and then got back in touch and tried to get by with minimal, occasional interaction. (We live in different cities.) Since the pandemic started though, it's been almost daily, and I've seen her more often the once or twice a year that I did for a long time.

She recently had joint replacement surgery, and I find that my patience with her has gotten thin at the worst possible time. the latest thing that happened was that I told her I was coming back into town (our hometown) for a week starting next weekend, and she seemed to get angry that I hadn't told her sooner. She acted as if I were expecting her to arrange a social outing with our college friends, and that just isn't the case. (She generally takes it on herself to arrange gatherings, but I feel like this is so that she can schedule things at her convenience and remain in control of the scenario. She also enjoys feeling like the victim for "always having to" be the one to make plans.) At any rate, I explained to her that I wasn't expecting her to set anything up, that I was coming in to see her and didn't have to see our other friends. That seemed to put her mind at ease, but I'm feeling like she literally got mad at me for planning to come to visit her. I plan on discussing this with her.

Anyone else dealing with someone with Dependent Personality Disorder? WHich sub-form is most appropriate?

[square]

Hi and welcome! There is a Friends, Neighbors, and Coworkers subforum that will be perfect for you.

I'm here for another reason but I've had experience with a PD friend. It was hard. I additionally have a DPD acquaintence and while I am just on the sidelines it's hard seeing how she just cannot function one minute without someone taking care of her. And like your friend she can be quite sweet too but ultimately she's a black hole of need.

Hopefully we can offer some ideas for keeping your balance. It seems you have already done some work stepping back a bit and letting her do her without feeling like you have to fix it, and that's great.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

It seems that your friend has no respect for other people's feelings. Everything is about her.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I realised that she was emotionally blind to other people's feelings. She just can't do it. That helped me to get less upset and to remain calm.

Maybe you need to work on setting firm boundaries and sticking with them. It's OK to do that. It's OK to calmly talk about your feelings more.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

She recently talked about setting boundaries and not feeling guilty about it.

Observe, don't absorb.

Remain calm.