Anger and resentment - when I feel anything at all

[moglow]

So here's the thing - I'm finding acceptance that mommie dearest is who she is and we are where we are through decades of alternating abuse and abandonment. She hasn't and isn't likely to change and this is allllllll MY stuff to figure out and work through. I've found I don't feel much anymore where she's concerned and that kinda disturbs me - sounds like HER, ya know?? But I have no desire to try yet again to share anything about my life or talk about my brothers/their families with her.

I have nothing to share with her and don't miss her in the slightest, yet there's still that underlying "what kind of monster feels/doesn't this way about her own mother?!" We never built a real relationship. She's never been known to show interest or encouragement unless it's to benefit [her] appearances in some way. She's neither been supportive in times of trouble nor celebratory when that was called for. What she has done is pick and prod and dig for a soft spot then throw that back in my face later, even years later as if it's all a big joke. My brother refers to it as gaffing  whenever I/anyone else was down and she saw opportunity, and it was deliberate. Nothing shy of evil really, the calculated way she'd draw a person out only to stab you the instant you let your guard down enough.

When I think about it, it all just makes me so damn mad! Who DOES this to their own family, all the while playing victim to all and sundry so we're told over and over what we owe our mother. Damn near everybody I've ever known has laughed it all off as "well you know she loves you, she just doesn't know how to show it." Really?? Really. If this/that is love, no thank you very much. And the resentment! Our last few "conversations" were her unloading buckets and barrels of all the ways I'd let her down, one situation after another where I'd done or not something to her, where I didn't live up to her unspoken and exacting specifications. Things I'd never thought of and certainly never intended, she took as some personal affront without a thought that EVERYBODY has their own struggles. EVERYBODY hurts and gets disappointed or mad or sad or whatever it is.

It truly doesn't seem to occur that some of the things she threw back in my face were during traumatic times for ME and I was coping as best I could at the time just to get through. Some of it she knew then, some I dared not share until much later but still. No empathy, no comfort, rarely even a smidge of kindness. So many things I've still never shared knowing I just couldn't hand her that loaded weapon to use at her whim. I just want to fucking know WHY she thought all that was okay, to treat her own children the way she did - because she CAN?? And we somehow deserved no less from our own mother?? And she wonders why no one visits, rarely calls, why she's so alone, how poor poor md is going to manage all this by herself. 
If I had a garage I'd hang a great big punching bag so I could flail away and get this poison out my system. I do have pillows and a plastic baseball bat at home, maybe that'll help...

Thank you for "listening."

[Andeza]

When you're home, alone of course, I recommend venting your spleen out loud. Typing it helps, but sometimes you just gotta say it out loud, even if you've got nobody to say it to. Don't be polite, don't sugar coat, swear like a sailor if you need to. Be angry if you need to be. Tell an empty room exactly how you feel about her, how she's treated you, and how you feel about how she's treated you. Let those feelings sweep you along for a while until they ebb naturally. I think you'll be surprised, moglow. I was shocked to my toes.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hang in their moglow. This is deep work that a lot of people just don't do. But here you are, doing it.

I admire what you are doing to teach yourself, in a really valuable way, what is love and what is fear and what is abuse.

What you are describing  is I think, very common for survivors of parental abadonnment.  We wonder if our own need for safety and peace, makes us just as selfish as our parent was. It took me a few years to learn how the narc definition of love is not a good definition at all.

I was raised on narc definitions of the world: My needs made me selfish. Their needs made them important. I hear you when you say that it can be curious to wonder if we are becoming selfish like our parent was.

You don't feel obligated to her and you don't give her access to you so she can treat you the way she has treated you. That is success.

I don't feel much for my N relatives. They don't feel much for me, but it's not the same thing. I'm capable of compassion and relationship repair, they are not. I got so tired of the damage they caused. It feels healthy to let go of any big emotion about them. It's a sign that you are more focused on you than on them. Which is good.

Survivors need to have a lot of self understanding which comes from focusing on self- what do we feel and what do we need. Things we were not asked as children.

Not all parents can love the children they give birth to. We want to believe this fantasy but it's not realistic. Some people are disordered and then they have children and they don't have the skill and patience and emotional development or mental wellness to safely parent a child. Society is very slowly 🐌  becoming aware of this.

But a lot of us still hear people who say that our parents loved us, knowing nothing of their mental status or traits. I ignore those people. They are denying our experiences and they are either in denial or are so privileged to have lived without narc abuse in their lives. Either way they are most unhelpful to us and they are
invalidating our experience which is unacceptable. 

What my FOO thought was love was actually control. I'm sad for them but only academically. I would never again try to help them understand what is so wrong with their way of being in relationships.

I think the path is different for each of us in  terms of reckoning with who our parents were and are as people. And yes, lots of days we could use a punching bag for those realizations about who they were and are!

I outgrew my need to tolerate their abuse. Even from my own parent. Which most people still have trouble understanding... even though they understand abuse in other relationships is wrong, somehow the abuse is re-labeled as love if it comes from a parent? I feel your frustration.  I cannot wait for society to outgrow this ignorant view and belief.

I think you've grown aware in so many ways, and it is coming through in your writing.

Trees

[Liketheducks]

Moglow........sending you cyber hugs.   Really damaged people do this to their families.   I can empathize about being made to feel like your needs are selfish.    I cannot fathom how or why my parents do/did some of their "greatest hits".   I just process the anxiety, feel the anger, and now thankfully....shake my head and laugh a bit.    While.....adding more bricks to my boundary walls.     They haven't a clue.   IF they had any idea the damage they're doing, I'm sure they wouldn't.   But, I think that is what makes a classic Narc.   As self possessed as they are, they simply don't have the capacity for self examination.   Everything they do, no matter how awful....is justified to my parents.     I really wonder what happened to them as children to make them who they are.     I don't think either of my parents ever saw themselves as the "parent".   They were both teens when they had me, so maybe they never had that chance.   But, in all my interactions with them.....I have to have my reparented adult voice in my head to help me cope.     It absolutely stinks.   You, we all, deserve so much better.   Have to create it for yourself.     

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Sending you my support, Mglow.

I think it is a good question, "who does this to their family"? I also think it tends to show a balance in perspectives when you can assess your own feelings about it or those in your family. I have asked similar questions in my own mind and still do not have answers. I wish I did. I believe whatever those in our family do is on them. It has nothing to do with us and we did not make them behave in the ways they did. We do not need to own their behaviors.

As for the way we may feel about them, I tend to think feelings are just feelings. That is all. Sometimes I find they ebb and flow. Be kind to yourself. I believe however you feel is OK.

In the meantime though, the pillow with the plastic baseball bat sounds sort of interesting especially if a bunch of feathers started breaking loose. 

[NarcKiddo]

Talking about punch bags, I have found boxing to be an excellent sport for me (I don't actually fight, because nobody is allowed to hit me  ) but I use the bags and do pad work with a coach). People in the gym are always joking about how I really lay into the bag and wondering who I might be imagining. I have found that I don't feel the desire to imagine the bag is anyone but it really is the best way for me to get stress out of the system. In particular, it got me through grieving for my dogs when they died. I think that pretending the bag is somebody (my mother) would actually spoil the whole experience, but I can thoroughly recommend the activity if you ever get a chance.

[moglow]

I sure appreciate y'all being with me on this journey, knowing I'm really not alone and that you get it. Somehow you reach right through my chaos and help me see reason, and I need that sometimes. We all do. It's still hard to reach out and ask for help

I woke up this morning with a return to peace and quiet inside, seem to have worked through that blast of anger with renewed purpose. What is that purpose - to help others. To reach out and find them wherever they are, even when all I can do is let them know they're heard. To be that beacon of light in others' darkness, as so many have been for me. We've been too long without that, starting with those who "should" have done it all along. So I'm working again to put aside the "shoulds" and work with what IS. And I'm even more firm in my belief that there's little good or peace to be found with that woman. She can have it and I wish her well with it.

As self possessed as they are, they simply don't have the capacity for self examination.   Everything they do, no matter how awful....is justified to my parents.     I really wonder what happened to them as children to make them who they are.

I can't speak for yours but as I've shared elsewhere, md's appeals to be based in entitlement beyond anything I've ever seen. She was the baby of a large country family, grew up during the Depression/WW II. I have no doubt they did without and made do, but even then she was somehow "special". No one was allowed to correct or smart off to her no matter what she did or how she treated them, they continually made excuses because "she's the baby" up to and well into adulthood. She delighted in and has herself told stories of taking other girls boyfriends in school - she didn't want them herself, just wanted that power. She's bullied every and anyone she chose and liked it that way. That grew into "she's the mother, that's why." So she sees herself as entitled and exempt from normal behavior, but no one else is. She KNOWS exactly what she's doing, and when/where to turn it on or off. It's self awareness and denial at the same time - rules and manners simply don't apply to her. Even now, no. It's mind boggling to watch.

[Jolie40]

She hasn't and isn't likely to change and this is allllllll MY stuff to figure out and work through. I've found I don't feel much anymore where she's concerned and that kinda disturbs me -

yes, for some reason we think they "might" change & recognize us for the wonderful people we are & send love our way

hoping for this change our whole lives is absurd because we know people don't change their feathers at all
however, it's mind boggling that our own mothers did not care/love us so we still hope

too many times, I've told husband how I was treated vs siblings
he has said "he's sorry that happened & I need to let it go"
but then something triggers me & I'm back to feeling sorry for myself or angry like you, moglow

it's a lifelong thing dealing with the fallout of having a PD parent & the lack of love
my kid is doing a program this summer & they were told to look in mirror, say "I love you" and hug themselves

I think we could all use "I love you" to ourselves & a hug!

[notrightinthehead]

Anger and resentment sounds about right. As long as you work through and get it out of your system. I wrote it down, I worked it out physically and I even yelled it out when I thought I could do so safely. Fortunately the wave of rage alternates with not having any feelings at all, that is the ultimate goal. To be emotionally detached. Completely. It would not be healthy to remain stuck in the anger because that still binds us emotionally to our abusers, and I remember praying for that anger to leave me. And eventually the anger attacks - mine were often in the middle of the night- faded away. Your anger is justified. You had to suppress it to survive. Now it is safe to come out and be felt. Hopefully you can work your way through quickly, but then, it will take as long as it takes.