Progress in My Journey

[JustKeepTrying]

I haven't checked in a while.  My DS is home for the summer and life has been full.  I meet with my surgeon this week and I will finally, hopefully find out if the surgery is a success.  After more than five months of waiting and therapy - I am ready to know what next steps I can take.

There have been some significant changes in my life lately that I wanted to share.  I spent some time with my brother and sister and struggled not settling into the habits of childhood.  After days of small triggers I had a massive PTSD seizure in a restaurant.  I am grateful my nephew caught me but I think that they had a glimmer what my life was life before I left my OCDPxh.

I spent several days with my oldest DD.  Some real one on one time.  She dropped several mentions of my ex and I know that she doesn't really buy into the abuse - but I refused to engage and focused on just spending time together.  Until we went dress shopping.  Again all very triggers with my disabilities.  But there was a moment when I tried on a dress, and I looked beautiful, and I sobbed.  I haven't felt beautiful in decades.  She stood right next to me and held my hand.  I don't think she connects to it to the abuse but that's ok.  I am grateful for. her support.

All of this led to a bit of an aha for me.  I realized just how valuable, how important, how incredible I am - that a my ex went to so many twisty moves to keep in the marriage - yes, it's disordered thinking and yes, I was in the fog - but wow, he really twisted himself with the gaslighting and manipulation - I really am worth it.

I know it sounds weird but I thought you all would get it.  After decades of the passive aggressive comments and small put downs my self confidence is at an all time low.  With my DDs siding with him and the overall perception that I was to blame - it's a blow.

So this realization was empowering.  And I choose to look at that way.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Dear, lovely JKT,

Even from this far away, I can clearly see what an incredibly beautiful, badass woman you are!!

I am glad you are realizing how valuable and important and amazing you are.
Good for you!!

You deserve all good things and I am praying for you to receive them.
I hope the news from your surgeon is the best possible.

[notrightinthehead]

What a lovely story! These were tears of happiness and relief. You are finally free from the abuse.

[SonofThunder]

Dear, lovely JKT,

Even from this far away, I can clearly see what an incredibly beautiful, badass woman you are!!

I am glad you are realizing how valuable and important and amazing you are.
Good for you!!

You deserve all good things and I am praying for you to receive them.
I hope the news from your surgeon is the best possible.

+1 

SoT

[losingmyself]

I am adding my voice to all the above comments!