Recovery as a man from narcissistic abuse

[Unbroken1]

Hi to everyone who is part of this community. I'm grateful that this space exists to help people recover from relationships with malignant or disordered personalities.

I just turned 64 this year and since 2020, have been in therapy for recovery from a relationship with my narcissistic ex-wife, when I contacted an online therapist in the midst of the pandemic. I was divorced in 2015 after a 23-year relationship, 14 of them married, with a woman who I believe is a malignant communal narcissist (I say "believe" since my knowledge of NPD has come about since the divorce).

Prior to that I had two other significant relationships with women whose behavior was on the spectrum. Both of these were inappropriate (one was a co-worker, the other was a college instructor). In both relationships I was a secret and not acknowledged to the outside world. Both women left me in the dirt when the inevitable discard came.

When my ex-wife and I married (me for the first time at 43, her second after a one-year marriage at 19), we had already been living together and had bought a house together, so the relationship had been established for 8 years. We met in Codependents Anonymous (yes, I know...).

Looking back now after much (daily, compulsive, ongoing) reading about NPD, how to recognize its many faces, my accompanying CPTSD as a result of a lifetime of exposure, and all the other horrible and nightmarish things that narcissists subject people to, I am aware that men overwhelmingly are the perpetrators of narcissistic abuse with women on the receiving end.

My parents raised me in the 1960s under the Authoritarian model of parenting in which children were mostly treated as objects, but toxic gender role models were also (and stiil are) at play in our culture. Particularly male role models (are we not living in a Golden Era of Toxic Male Narcissism?). My father tried to force me into sports, which I hated and felt humiliated by, since I lacked aptitude and competitive drive. When as a child, I started showing the artistic abilities which I inherited from my mother, dad pretty much wrote me off and dropped any pretense of maintaining an emotional connection. To this day, I have a deep distrust of men in general, particularly those who are ego-based and lacking empathy or self-awareness.

I'm curious to hear from other members on this forum about experiences where the traditional narcissist/codependent/empath relationship between a man and a woman was switched. I'm struggling now with my therapist to engage in conscious grieving during our sessions although in private this is much easier for me. It's shameful for me to break down and emote and I believe the overt and covert lessons I and other men of my generation received about masculinity growing up (vulnerabilty = weakness) are proving to be difficult to overcome. Anyone else here with insights or experience in this subject?

Background: me - former only child identifying as INFJ/HSP, somatic narcissist/borderline mother (unregulated emotionally, clinically depressed, 2 suicide attempts), covert narcissist father (snarky, angry, resentful, passive-aggressive). Note: these are my assessments and not official diagnoses. Both parents deceased. Currently no contact with ex-wife for past 4 years. I'm also self-educating about CPTSD and working with recovery techniques and concepts outlined by Pete Walker in his writings.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place here where people understand. Check out the the separating/divorce tab and you will find posters with similar experiences.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I can identify with much of what you have posted about, although our experiences are different. You have raised some important issues.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I have had no contact with her for over two and a half years since our mother passed away. I never want to see her ever again. I call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I make sure to watch her regular twice weekly videos to help keep me grounded and on track.

I have been attending several mental health carers support groups for years. I recognise that I need support. I am living with depression and probably CPTSD because of all of the trauma and abuse I have experienced for decades.

The more we learn about PDs the more we can understand how to cope better.

I have found Mindfulness meditations of great help to me. I was prescribed a course by my doctor many years ago and have continued ever since.

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach online. She gives regular free talks.

www.tarabrach.com


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[kale]

Looking back now after much (daily, compulsive, ongoing) reading about NPD, how to recognize its many faces, my accompanying CPTSD as a result of a lifetime of exposure, and all the other horrible and nightmarish things that narcissists subject people to, I am aware that men overwhelmingly are the perpetrators of narcissistic abuse with women on the receiving end.

My parents raised me in the 1960s under the Authoritarian model of parenting in which children were mostly treated as objects, but toxic gender role models were also (and stiil are) at play in our culture. Particularly male role models (are we not living in a Golden Era of Toxic Male Narcissism?). My father tried to force me into sports, which I hated and felt humiliated by, since I lacked aptitude and competitive drive. When as a child, I started showing the artistic abilities which I inherited from my mother, dad pretty much wrote me off and dropped any pretense of maintaining an emotional connection. To this day, I have a deep distrust of men in general, particularly those who are ego-based and lacking empathy or self-awareness.

I'm curious to hear from other members on this forum about experiences where the traditional narcissist/codependent/empath relationship between a man and a woman was switched. I'm struggling now with my therapist to engage in conscious grieving during our sessions although in private this is much easier for me. It's shameful for me to break down and emote and I believe the overt and covert lessons I and other men of my generation received about masculinity growing up (vulnerabilty = weakness) are proving to be difficult to overcome. Anyone else here with insights or experience in this subject?

I hear you on the authoritarian ethic. I was raised similarly in my father's house, albeit in the 80's and 90's. I wasn't human until I turned 13, at which time a shower of attention was granted me by my beloved overlord of a father figure. I can relate to the forced sports and would add, in my case, being a 'sensitive' kid didn't endear me to my father. It has left me with the feeling that many of our cultural constructs are bullshit. They are carried from generation to generation, much like the trauma that originated transgenerationally (you likely weren't the first in your ancestry to have this experience). My father is currently 79, I was born when he was 35, and this has lead to this kind of weird social setup where I was indoctrinated into 'old school' child raising despite the times having changed significantly. So. Fucking. Rigid. My father is a sociopathic/empathetic narcissist with emotional walls higher than than the Himalayas. A real fun guy, let me tell ya.

As to relations between men and women. . . yes and yes. I ended a long term relationship with a woman where she took a dependent role, was highly critical and nothing was ever good enough. I see deeply the mirror that I reflected back in that relationship and am still working through the mindfuck of it all. I have struggled with suicidal ideation for decades. The one time I chose to take action what I received back from her was, "why would you do this to me?" We separated over a year ago, and I had a made a connection over the winter with a new potential partner. In just weeks after moving in together (promised myself I would move slow, didn't. . . my mistake) it was clear that major cracks were forming. She was a trauma kid too and her inner child and my inner child got along like fire ants at a picnic (it was in texas). She was threatening to kick me out of the house at 11pm with my child sleeping in the other room. Shitshow. I got some time to myself and did my work to diagnose the dynamic. . . another fucking narcissist that was brining up all of my old, unresolved mom issues and codependency. It got ugly. We split. At least I had the presence of mind to see what was happening and GTFO.

Looking at myself in that relationship, I see how the threadlines to indoctrinated fear from my mother wrote that story. Yes, I am emotionally reserved and have a hard time with emotional expression. Yes, I am able to be vulnerable when the space is perceived to be safe. Yes, I need to shore up aspects of myself so that I can feel safe wherever I stand and take appropriate action. No, I'm not interested in typical gender roles. . . something that was pushed on me by my girlfriend that became, again, highly critical, disrespected my boundaries, and lead with a projected expectation of what this relationship *should* have been (should is always control).

What do you mean by empath relationship? I'm familiar with empath as someone who has an innate ability (many times trauma derived) to read others intuitively, to feel what they feel which is related to the number of mirror neurons in the brain. As a self-identified empath I see my role to build up my boundaries, know who I am, stand in my power to truly heal.

Thanks for sharing, you aren't alone! It takes a lot of courage to look at these shadow aspects of self and choose to take action to find resolution and closure.