PD brother insists to meet and 'catch up'

[mary_poppins]

I just wanted to get your opinion on what would my brother's behavior mean.

My brother has narcissism or traits of it. Anyway, whenever I bump into him (we live in the same city), he insists on meeting over coffee and catch up.
I kept stalling because I really don't like hanging out with him. He puts me down and looks at me with an air of arrogance, like he's so much better than me. Anyway, knowing what I know now, it is clear that there is a selfish reason behing his need to 'catch up'. I am certain he doesn't wanna know how I am and how I'm spending my time. My hunch is that he has a problem and he wants me to counsel him/advise him/give him the solution. He would do this in the past when he'd want my opinion over personal issues. I would often feel used by him.  No one I know who is healthy and normal would be so obsessed with trying to schedule a meeting with me, to know 'how I am'. There is a hidden agenda here and it puts me off.

Am I right to assume this? Remember that this brother is NM's golden child, he agrees with all her abuses and does her dirty work. I am suspecting his obsession with meeting me is also about my NM's desire to know more things about me.

If you had this happen in the past how did you say no in a way that feels healthy? Did you ghost this sibling or just ignored them until they got the point? In my case, my brother would not get the point no matter how many times I tried to say 'I'm busy'.

[NarcKiddo]

Who knows what his agenda is, if any?

It doesn't sound as if you much like the idea of ghosting/ignoring him. And if you are going to bump into him then that seems a not very useful way to proceed.

How about an email/text along the lines of:

Hi bro, I know you are keen to meet up as you have mentioned it several times. I'm really busy right now so that won't work for me. But it is kind of you to want to know how I am. The answer is that I am fine and have no specific news to report. Hope you're fine, too.

[Starboard Song]

No one I know who is healthy and normal would be so obsessed with trying to schedule a meeting with me, to know 'how I am'.

Am I right to assume this? Remember that this brother is NM's golden child, he agrees with all her abuses and does her dirty work. I am suspecting his obsession with meeting me is also about my NM's desire to know more things about me.

If you had this happen in the past how did you say no in a way that feels healthy? Did you ghost this sibling or just ignored them until they got the point? In my case, my brother would not get the point no matter how many times I tried to say 'I'm busy'.

You seem to be on the knife's edge between VVLC and NC. Since you are maintaining contact at all, I'd encourage you to occassionally take that meeting. It is simple, convenient, and constrained. You can share the Instagram version of your life, sharing nothing you wouldn't want your M knowing by sunset. When he seeks your advice, you can say "Gosh, that's a real challenge. I don't really know the answer. What are your thoughts?" If he gets out of line, you can be direct and say, "sorry, but I don't feel like talking about that right now." And at any time you can grab your phone, stare at it intently for four seconds, and announce: "uh oh, hey something's come up with a friend and I need to go."

With any luck you can have a free coffee, pay your dues to the family (you don't owe them), and slack the pressure with your brother.

Now, that's just me, the eternal optimist. I tend to lean towards minor accomodation -- never abuse -- unless NC is called for. You asked for something that feels healthy. Ocassionally having a brief coffee with your brother, one in which you remain always in control, is what seems most healthy. If that doesn't suit, though, then NarcKiddo has the right idea. He will know you are blowing him off, but he'll also see you are trying to be kind about it.

[mary_poppins]

Hi NarcKiddo. Thanks so much for your advice. I'll probably take your advice. Starboard song also has a point that, since I'm in a form of contact with brothers (it's LC but sometimes VLC), I might want to catch up. However, I could ONLY do the catch up thing before cutting my family off for good.
I have done the catch up with this narc brother before. 80% the time it went well. However, he did bring up painful family stuff and blamed me A LOT for what I've 'done' to my parents (being NC with them for 4 years) as if it was my choice, not theirs due to their abusive-ness. It triggered me.
Anyway, thanks. As soon as I'm NC I won't have to think of such bullshit. I'm so tired of it. The insisting of catching up texts/comments, the passive agressive behavior, the smear campaigns from my parents. Ughh..

[nanotech]

If you have to meet him( I wouldn't I'd just say I can't at the moment then keep fobbing him off)
But if you do-
Take someone with you
Have some boundaries

'Catch up' relates to recent history and suggests social, jovial, supportive chit chat. It's not the same as going over turbulent history and pointing the finger! So he's gaslighting you.
My PD dad wanted to bring up my past relationship with PD sister. I said I wasn't going to discuss that in a restaurant. I must have been quite assertive, because someone on the table next to us turned his head anc looked at me and dad.
My dad looked a bit shocked then asked my husband to see his side, which he just shrugged and smiled and said that it wasn't his ( my husband's) place to tell me what to discuss with anyone ! My dad was amazed, but he had to back down.
Can you take someone else? Or just not go? I no longer see my dad on my own. I'll never forget how my dad tried to get my husband involved. This is why you have to take a safe person with you. 

[Boat Babe]

 

[moglow]

If you decide to meet him to catch up, talk about any and everything BUT the parents and their opinions, concerns, etc. Maybe even tell him flat out you're not interested in talking about them behind their backs, then continue on with other subjects. You get to live your life just like everyone else and aren't responsible for how others feel, barring deliberate actions on your part intended to harm them. You may also need to tell him you're not interested in talking about "family stuff" then DON'T.

I wouldn't keep explaining myself or telling him why you don't want to talk about it. Change the subject and/or tell him "I understand you want to talk about that but I don't. I'd rather talk with YOU than about others." If he can't take obvious clues, you can end the visit at any time, politely and "good to see you!"

[Starboard Song]

 

That's so right!

And practice -- if you decide to do this -- saying no in the sort of sing-song way a kindergarten teacher would do it. This isn't upset or angry or defensive. It is just the way it is.

[mary_poppins]

Thanks, all. I might meet him once before going NC and just refuse to talk about family.
Last time I met him he said something very manipulative in the lines of Come on, let's meet because I'm going on a trip and who knows if I'll ever come back. BTW, he refers to his crazy hiking in the Italian mountains, and he really did it. What bothers me is the way he uses manipulation to convince me to do something. It's his way of living.
The main problem he has (which he wants to discuss with me) is living with his psychopath brother who is very scary (and very different than him). I told him to move out or do something about it. He earns a decent income and can't just muster up the courage to leave that place he's in?
So, yeah, my suspicion is that he'd try to moan and complain about how awful his brother is and how terrible it is for him to live there. Of course, not doing anything about it suits him well, because if he did do something, what else would he have to complain about.

Anyway, I'm glad that at least he is the least damaging of all my family members. All the others are incredibly toxic and you can't carry a normal conversation with them without them becoming defensive.

And to answer the question about taking someone with me to the meeting. I have no friends here where I live, so no, I can't do that.