I am being asked to contact H

[sunshine702]

So my  Narc mom called yesterday.  Didn't pick up.  Working .   Called today.  Thought it might be about her trip here Monday - nope.  She was wondering if H contacted me.  Didn't think so but I can look.  Nope H did not.

Then I hear a dump of how h's boyfriend Is a drug dealer and he got arrested recently and could I call her.  That she wanted my number.

Sigh.   We aren't close.  I met her a handful of times.  In fact I am kind of jealous of her.  I heard for YEARS constantly how wonderful she is.   She is Narc mom's source.

I sort of avoided her to not be snippy.  I needed my mom and all she could do was coo over H.  I knew there would be a time when H was not Golden Child wonderful.

And now is it.  I really don't what I can offer?

Should I call or text?  Sigh. Fear obligation guilt

[notrightinthehead]

I am a little confused who you should call but the question is- what do YOU want to do?  What is good and healthy for YOU? Is it in your interest to call that person? Just because someone said to your mum that they want you to call them, does not mean you have to call them. Many people want many things from us. That does not mean we are here in this world to fulfill other people's expectations. So if you want to call, if you think you can assist, then by all means, go ahead and call. If not - don't.

[sunshine702]

I am supposed to call my Brother's daughter according to my mom.    I am the Aunt.  Yeah I really don't want to.  I have a feeling it will be some smoke up my butt to get something.  I don't know.  This sounds like a situation for the parents who I am also not close with.  I had heard a bit from my other brother that she might be into drugs the last time my mom flew her out to Hometown.  I guess I will text.  It is a new number and If she wants to talk to me about something I guess.

I am just really annoyed.  I keep hearing her all about her all the time have for two decades .  Golden Grandchild H.  My mom really sees herself in her which is so off putting.  Now that she's a dirtbag kid.  I don't know. 

[guitarman]

This is triangulation. It is when someone wants to get you involved to do something on their behalf that you really don't want to do.

They are probably quite capable of doing it themselves.

We get afraid to say "No" to their demands because we fear their response because of their past behaviour.

Abusers are all about power and control.

We need to learn to calmly set boundaries and stick to them to protect ourselves. We need to protect our own metal and physical health.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. She would demand that I contact her ex-husband and her adult children to pass messages onto them. I reluctantly did it because I was so afraid of how she would react if I didn't comply.

I eventually said "No" to her. I told her that I wouldn't be doing that any more in the future. I calmly told her that she was quite capable of contacting them herself. They never would take her calls because of the abusive way that she talked to them.

Setting boundaries takes courage. I know.

We can take little baby steps to change our behaviour. Little by little things can change.

Your mother is probably quite capable of contacting H all by herself, isn't she?

Here is a link to a useful article about triangulation.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-triangulation-in-psychology-5120617


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[moglow]

Why should you do anything? If H wants to talk to you, presumably she now has your number and can call. Has she? No. Not your stuff, neither is your mothers gossip about H's boyfriend.

H might in fact be embarrassed to know that her business [which may or may not be true] is bring spread by her grandmother,  may not care to discuss it at all. She might deeply resent any discussion on the subject.

Sounds like mommie dearest is stirring drama, creating problems.

[moglow]

My mother used to come to me with gossip about family members and i listened to all of it for way too long. My [eventual] lack of interest in all that was a problem for her, she'd insist that I should know/care "because thats your family!!" Yes we're related but I failed to see where their personal problems, embarrassment, legal issues etc were any of my business. She never shared the happy things - the graduations, marriages, births of or names even of those children. I didnt know of and wasn't invited to any of that, ever.

It was just being repeated to me for mother's enjoyment, not out of any need for actual help or comfort for them. She was pretty hot when I started cutting that shit off and stating plainly that was none of my business. It also brought home to me that *I* was similarly being discussed behind my back, by my mother.

Thing that galled me was, like you, these weren't family members with whom I was in any sort of regular contact. We didn't have any more than the most superficial relationship. The only possible reason for mother to tell me was to stir something, possibly goad me into saying something negative that she could then repeat elsewhere.

Learn to gray rock the hell out of that kind of garbage- show no interest, ask no questions. If anything express concern for H [and others being gossiped about] and change the subject. Don't call them if instructed, just as you'd likely not appreciate their call if situation were reversed. You're responsible for your own actions, as is everyone's else.

Your mother will survive and can do her own dirty work. Don't let it become yours.