Traumatic memory re/ my deceased Dad

[MIB]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for this valuable new board.

My father died suddenly about 1 year ago. He went to work one Saturday and when he didn't pick Mom up at the end of the day, she was worried and asked her cousin to pick her up and drive her to his business. She found him dead on the floor of an apparent heart attack. He was 71. It was especially surprising  because he was on the slim side and fairly active.

I have very positive memories of my Dad from when I was younger. My mother - who I'm certain is PD (though undiagnosed because, you know, she's fine) - and I always had a very difficult relationship. She was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards me, and jealous of my accomplishments in life.

My dad was the sole breadwinner his entire life, but was the far more involved parent (I literally can't remember doing anything with my stay at home "mother" as a child beyond going shopping and watching TV, while I have far more positive memories with him) though he worked a lot. I suspect he did this so he wouldn't have to be home and deal with my mother's issues, though it left me at her mercy most of the time.

When I met my husband, got married and had kids, my relationship with my parents totally degraded. They hated my husband and "liked it better when in was just the 3 of us" (surprise!).

In a very brief nutshell, after therapy and trying very, very hard to make it work and getting a lot of parental abuse for my efforts,  I chose my husband over parents and we went vvvvvvvLC (holiday cards or texts only).

At first, when Dad died, I was extremely angry with him. His doctor told him to get cardiac tests, which he ignored because  he was "fine and didn't have the time". Being an only child, when he died, I was burdened with my useless and ungrateful mother who was so incapable of managing her own life she didn't know how to put gas in her car or pay a bill.

With the passage of time, a memory has been coming back to me from when I was a teenager. I walked into my parents bedroom one early evening and saw my mother whipping my father's back with a wire hanger. To be clear,  this was in no way a perverse sexual act - she was enraged and he was (of all things) laughing. I, realizing how messed up this was but not sure what to do about it, turned around, walked into my room and closed the door. Of course no one spoke about that incident, and as a result I'm 80% sure it's a "real" memory, with the other 20% questioning myself because, you know, that's a totally messed up thing for a kid to see.

Anyway, thinking about that - and the other fights and abuse (known and unknown to me) that he endured, I'm softening a bit towards my dad who -objectively- had very narcissistic behaviours as he got older. I was also told by a therapist we saw (collectively) that he had PTSD.

One thing I'm considering now is that, perhaps, he didn't go for the test in part because he knew better than the doctor (Narc) , but maybe after all those years with my mom, he didn't really care if he lived, and the abuse he endured put him into an early grave (from experience dealing with her in the months after his death, I got a first hand, unfiltered look at how entitled, demanding and unapologetically useless she is, such that I've returned to vvvvvvvLC with her for my sanity).

I'm sharing this in part to get it out, but would also be appreciative of any thoughts or insights others might have.

Thanks for your support  and kindness,
MIB

[Hazy111]

Hi MIB, im sorry for your loss.

You paint a familiar picture to what a lot of people have endured. One thing i came to realise in time and others on this site did to ( check other posts and threads on this subject) is that although we can easily identify the "bad " parent we saw the other parent as all "good " or a "victim " too. My mother was most probably a Borderline "hermit" type and my father a narcissistic/schizoid type. Now im of the opinion that he controlled and dominated her  more than the other way round. His positive emotional input in our childhoods was close to zero.

With time we come to realise that this isnt truly an accurate image. I think you are coming to that realisation and with time/therapy , your father may not have been the victim in all this. He may well have been an "enabler"  of your mothers actions. It sounds as if he "chose" not to  intervene to stop your abuse as any father should have? Leaving you at her mercy.

Christine Lawsons brilliant book "Understanding the Borderline mother"  is excellent on these mothers and the men they marry.

[bee well]

Wow, MIB. I am very sorry for your loss as well. I'm also sorry for what you have gone through with your parents.

Those are very heavy realizations and hard to process but I think they can also represent an important part of the very long process that is healing.

As Hazy 111 has said, what you are describing is not uncommon.

Since I started coming Out of the FOG I have also had some memories that have changed my view of the situation between my parents. Putting together what happened before and after these relationships allowed me to get a clearer view of the situation. This was also the case with the rest of the family. I don't have a deep relationship with any of them, in NC with most. While I would not say that is a remedy, it has helped me to gain clarity and improve my health.

It was rather late in life that  I realized the extent of the abuse and neglect, and had a clearer idea of each parent's role in it.
Previously, I hadn't had the mental space or time to process a lot of things, and I believe that's why there were some memories that came later.

Apparently it is common for memories to surface later and sometimes survivors have doubts.

Feelings can vascillate depending on the circumstances. I found that a little disarming at first, but I have learned that it's perfectly natural and okay.

For example, at times I feel forgiving towards my Mother. At other times I feel extremely angry for what she put me through. Same goes for Father.

You said you have had therapy. If you still have access to a good trauma therapist I would continue to explore this with them.

I also recommend the Lawson book that Hazy 111 suggested. I'll permit myself to add a few.  John Bradshaw's work, "On Family" was very helpful to me in understanding how abuse manifests itself in victims and families (he's done a lot of great work, in my opinion.) My all time favorite is Pete Walker. His book "The Tao of Fully Feeling" is great for working through the grief process and also his PTSD handbook is invaluable. Walker talks about how his view of his Mother changed later in life. Those are some books that helped me, perhaps you will find them useful.

Please keep reaching out for support, and be kind to yourself  as you grieve.

[Starboard Song]

One thing I'm considering now is that, perhaps, he didn't go for the test in part because he knew better than the doctor (Narc) , but maybe after all those years with my mom, he didn't really care if he lived, and the abuse he endured put him into an early grave (from experience dealing with her in the months after his death, I got a first hand, unfiltered look at how entitled, demanding and unapologetically useless she is, such that I've returned to vvvvvvvLC with her for my sanity).

I'm sharing this in part to get it out, but would also be appreciative of any thoughts or insights others might have.

I hear you. You aren't thinking crazy. But I'd encourage you to let go of that sort of speculation. Tons of happy, thriving men don't get routine heart exams. And skipping heart exams is a fairly lame approach to early death.

Speculating about this WHY puts an ugly cloud over your memory of your father. It burdens your mother with guilt for an early death. In the absence of evidence, I think you'll be a happier spirit if you can let go of this speculation. Your father can be a happy man doing his best. You can grieve for his loss without assigning blame. This is just my approach: I try to shun beliefs and thoughts -- especially speculative ones -- that make me LESS happy.

I want to be more at peace. And I want that for you.

Be good. Be strong.

[Leonor]

Hello MIB,

It is very normal for all kinds of memories to come up in the wake of an important passing.

Your healing self feels a little safer in sharing this new information with you. It's troubling, but it is a sign of healing.

Of course, it's not really new; you've already experienced it, and since you remember it, you never really forgot about it.

But it's disturbing, and it makes you question all kinds of everything.

Do you have a good therapist? Having a kind, knowledgeable professional to talk to can help if the emotions or memories make you feel overwhelmed.

Grief is overwhelming. But you don't have to do it alone.