I can’t do this any more

[Fiasco]

I'm so tired of being manipulated and scammed by her. It doesn't help that I don't fall for any of it any more it's still an attack every time she tries a new one, and she never stops. It doesn't matter that I haven't seen her in four years and don't plan to again. It doesn't matter that I've successfully protected my kids from her and she will never speak to them again, unless they decide to as adults. It doesn't matter that she's in her 80s and disabled and statistically can't last much longer. We all know she'll live to be 100.

I can't do this any more. I can't force myself to talk to her on the phone even though that means I'm securing a significant estate for my children. I'm failing them. I'm not strong enough. I can't do it any more.

[moglow]

Fiasco, I'm sorry you're hurting and she's stirring that pain. I wish I could take that away for you, but maybe having a few willing ears here will provide some lift.

I can't force myself to talk to her on the phone even though that means I'm securing a significant estate for my children. I'm failing them.

You, my friend, are failing NO ONE. What she chooses to do with her money is her stuff and I'd just about guarantee you can't possibly jump through all her hoops to obtain said inheritance. She's going to to whatever she's going to do, with or without you. I'd be willing to bet your children know this all too well and don't hold you responsible in the least.

Don't call her. You know the harm it causes and what it takes you to recover. Even if you did talk to her, is there anything you can actually do for her? No? Then No. It's not your stuff. Call me instead - we'll have a drink together and I'll play you some Harry Belafonte to help take the edge off.

[foobarred]

I struggled for years with the fear of losing my inheritance.  Especially since I'm disabled and on a fixed income.

The thing that finally tipped the scales for me was when I started getting chest pains from the stress.  And I thought, "What good will that inheritance do me if I'm dead by 55?"  My mother cared nothing for my health; she was quite willing to drive me into the ground and then step over my cooling corpse to look for a new supply.

Once I came to that realization, there was a tremendous sense of freedom.  I no longer *had* to deal with her, as in, no choice.  She became an option.  It still took another year and a half to go completely NC, but that was the first break in the chain.

These things take a toll on us.  Will your children's appreciate that inheritance if it takes ten years off their mother's life?  Or results in you getting a chronic illness?  That money may come at a high price.  And there's no guarantee you'll even get it, b/c disinheriting offspring is an Olympic sport with these people.

It's a tough decision, and I wish you luck.   

[Fiasco]

These things take a toll on us.  Will your children's appreciate that inheritance if it takes ten years off their mother's life?  Or results in you getting a chronic illness? 

It's a tough decision, and I wish you luck.   

Wow. They would NOT trade my health or happiness for money. That's really something to think about.

[Fiasco]

Fiasco, I'm sorry you're hurting and she's stirring that pain. I wish I could take that away for you, but maybe having a few willing ears here will provide some lift.

It helps a lot❤️

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Fiasco, I hear you. I agree with others who stated you are not, not, not failing anyone.   
       
Making room in your life, your mind, and your heart for behaviors that do not honor who you are for some future benefit can seem logical but can take a huge toll. I understand thinking they will live to 100 and wondering if you can hold on that long. I do not believe that not being able to take it anymore makes you weak. Quite the opposite. It takes courage and strength to face these dynamics, and to self-protect. You matter. Your happiness in this life matters too.

[NarcKiddo]

There is no guarantee whatsoever that you are securing anything for your children by putting yourself through hell, even if she tells you so. I suggest you write off the money and do what you need to do. Dangling an inheritance is one of the few weapons elderly PDs retain for the whole of their lives, and they certainly know how to use it.

[Cat of the Canals]

There is no guarantee whatsoever that you are securing anything for your children by putting yourself through hell, even if she tells you so. I suggest you write off the money and do what you need to do. Dangling an inheritance is one of the few weapons elderly PDs retain for the whole of their lives, and they certainly know how to use it.

This is my thought as well. I've seen too many stories where the long-promised inheritance somehow never materializes.

[Fiasco]

I have a pages long rough draft of everything I want to say but I started off with a two sentence text. Essentially, I want a break from being the dumping ground for her awful thoughts and feelings. Only now do I remember her favorite tactic when receiving words she doesn't like: pretend she never got them. But the ball's in her court! Until I get tired of waiting and send the whole blessed thing.

[moglow]

Mine liked to whine that I was trying to control her - yes, if that means asking repeatedly that you not do/say certain things and you keep on, then you get blocked. That's me controlling what I'm exposed to.

Some never grasped the old lesson [or they've decided it applies to everyone BUT themselves]: if you can't say anything nice it's best to say nothing at all.  So I guess we get to be the teachers, in the end. 

[Sneezy]

Only now do I remember her favorite tactic when receiving words she doesn't like: pretend she never got them.

Yep, that's one of my mom's favorites, too.  I've lost count of how many times I've told her that when she dumps all her bad feelings on me, it really hurts my mental health.  But it doesn't matter to her, because it's all about her, and so she just ignores my request that she stop dumping on me.

As far as an inheritance, you are not failing anyone.  I think it's better for your kids to have a mentally healthy mother than to inherit money from their grandmother.  And as others have said, who knows what the future will bring in this regard.  I have a good friend whose father recently died.  She was certain he would leave his money to his children, but no, he left it all to his wife.  My friend was counting on an inheritance that didn't materialize.  There are no guarantees when it comes to inheriting money. 

Hugs to you - take care of yourself   

[bee well]

Fiasco,

I'm with the others who say you are definitely not failing anyone, and, there is no guarantee you are securing anything but supply. The inheritance is a favorite manipulation tool, and often use to control, show favoritism, and inflict pain beyond death.

You will do what you believe to to be best for you and your children in your particular situation.

But in the meantime, you write  "...I want a break from being the dumping ground for her awful thoughts and feelings."

No one deserves to be a dumping ground for anyone else's anything, no matter how close the ties are. I don't know your children but I'd wager they wouldn't want that for you.

In any case, your life and your mental health are invaluable.

Please be kind to yourself. Do what you can to protect your head and your heart, and your presence.
Those resources will provide more for you and your children than any (likely, or even possibly) phantom inheritance.

[Fiasco]

The weekend came and went without the SIX demands for her weekly phone call that I got last weekend. Ugh and lol. She sent a short and pleasant text about her plans for this week and I send back that I hope she has a nice week. This is something I can deal with for now. We'll see how it goes, but in the meantime thank you everyone for propping me up with your support

[completelyperdue]

Hi Fiasco!

I totally feel where you are coming from, and I hope that you find comfort in what others have provided for you here.
I remember I was in the same boat as you thinking about going NC and what that means as far as mine any my sister's inheritance is concerned.
Then I saw something in a post a here a long time ago that helped put perspective into things.
It is a morbid bit of a formula, but it worked for me being a mathematician.
Basically it is to give a ballpark estimate of what you think you would inherit if you remained in contact with you PD parent. Then think about how much longer your PD parent has to live.
Once you have those two figures, take the estimate and divide that by the years. Depending upon your case, it could amount to the same amount as if you got a part time job or side gig to earn that same amount of money without having to jump through the PD's hoops to get it.
Not suggesting that you get a part time job to make this amount of money up, but it is more of a mental exercise to put into perspective how much money per year you're actually worrying and stressing out about.
Also, at least in my case, I know that money did not come about through good means, and that also helped me to think about if I really wanted that money knowing the energy that is attached to it.
There are a lot of other ways for you to secure a good financial future for your children that does not involve you losing your mental and physical health. It may be something to research as a way to gain some strength and independence away from your PD parent, and you can always start very small and grow from there.
I hope this helps you put things into perspective because I think there are a lot of us in this same situation under the "Phantom Inheritance" which is definitely one of those big weapons wielded by PD parents everywhere.

[5isRed]

Thank you for sharing your experience, Fiasco. I am in a very similar situation right now and seeing your post and all the replies was exactly what I needed. Everyone here is so right- no amount of money is worth the toll on our mental and physical health. Our own children deserve the best versions of us possible and allowing the NP to diminish that is unfair to us, our kids, and definitely not worth any dangled inheritance.

In my case, I just finished all of my duties as executor and trustee of my dad's estate. (he was divorced from NM) My one sibling (GC) had a poor relationship with our dad, but still inherited 50% of the estate. He was of ZERO help whatsoever at any point during my dad's final years, and ZERO help throughout the process of handling end of/post-life duties. It hurts that after everything I've been through with NM, and handling everything for dad, my brother just showed up with his hand out for a check. And going NC with NM pretty much ensures GC brother will get everything from her. My husband and kids are so angry on my behalf, knowing what I've gone through for so long, but also cannot stand to see me live with the wet blanket of NM in my life anymore. I also have horrible anxiety and physical manifestations of it any time a text or phone call comes in from her. They've all said: no amount of money is worth it, and none of us need her money anyway.

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. As the others have said though- you are not failing anyone here. That's her voice telling stories in your head.

[Leonor]

Ooh I love the part-time job idea! What if you were to do one thing you truly love during those hours? What if you loved pottery, so you spent time in a class or a studio instead? What if you baked delicious things? Painted a portrait? Hiked in the woods? Learned a language? And even made a side hustle of it at art fairs or bake sales or forest trails? Or not? What if you just did it for love?