I caught myself starting to do the same things my mom did - yikes

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I was not sure where to post this, but I think I just caught myself starting to do the same things with my young daughter that my mom used to do with me as kid and I always found it so hurtful. The difference was I stopped it. However, feelings swelled up inside of me and words circled in my head that I immediately recognized. I thought I had done so much "healing" from all this and now wonder if in reality it sort of just stays with you. I am disappointed in myself. is this the legacy of my PD parent? Is this the role model shown by parent over a lifetime that just seeps into your psyche even if you do not want it to?

The triggering event was minor. My young child was playing with an object that was not a toy and I was afraid she was going to ruin it. I had told her to not touch it before, and I thought she should have known better. In reality, she is still learning and did nothing wrong. I on the other hand felt an immediate rise of contempt. How dare she? The words that circled in my head were "I love you, but I do not like you right now... I am having a hard time even liking you for what you've done. Can't you get anything right." I recognized my mother's voice. I heard it my whole life. I pulled back and did not act on this. I asked my husband if he could find one of her toys and give that to her instead.  He did, and the moment passed. 
 
I never told anyone what I was actually feeling and thinking. I am glad I recognized a pattern and redirected to another path. However, I cannot stop thinking about the reality of the contempt my mother felt toward me and how hurtful her words were. Is it just part of lifelong healing to recognize the ongoing effects as they arise and redirect? Does a part of it always sort of stay with you?

[moglow]

Hey Blueberry - I do think it stays with us on some level, but the difference is we SEE those things in ourselves and know how painful they can be. We learn to respond appropriately, kindly even. We choose to not overreact and lose our shit over something that ultimately isn't worth it. We may remove certain things from immediate availability [maybe up higher but still where you can appreciate?] when needed - your redirect via dad was great, btw! You knew exactly what was needed and acted on that instead of where you went in your own mind.

PROGRESS!!

[LemonLime]

I say "yay!" to you, Blueberry.   That is great parenting to be able to have thoughts and not act on them.  It's much more difficult to do when you've been raised in a PD home than when you haven't.   Some people were raised with great, non-PD parenting and simply don't have those intrusive thoughts and voices.   Many of us here hear a negative voice, and it's our work to ignore it.   You did that and bravo.

Does it ever go away?  I don't know.  I hear my sister's critical voice in my head, telling me that I'm favoring one of my children or my pets (!) over the other.  Probably because she feels my parents favored me over her.  I also hear a voice when I'm cleaning the house, that I'm a slob.   It's been going on for 3 years and I still am annoyed by the voice.  I'm learning to bat it away gently, telling it I don't need it.   I do hope that someday it will leave me alone.
And I hope your voice will leave you alone someday soon.

And now I must go prepare some blueberry pancakes, because your name always makes me hungry for some!!   

[NarcKiddo]

Well done. I think you handled it very well.

Obviously we would ideally not have these thoughts, but I think its inevitable with a PD upbringing.

[Cat of the Canals]

I know how demoralizing and disturbing it can be to realize how deeply ingrained that voice is in our head. But I agree with everyone above that your response to it should be celebrated. You are breaking the cycle.

I read somewhere that the first words that pop into our heads in any given situation don't represent who we truly are -- those words are an echo of those we were conditioned by (usually the people who raised us). It is the words/thoughts that come after (and more importantly our "out loud" reaction) that represent our true self.

I don't know if we are ever free of that inner echo, but I do think with more repetitions of this pattern -- hearing the voice, recognizing it is not YOURS, but your mother's, and choosing a different, healthier response -- make the echo quieter and quieter.

[treesgrowslowly]

I agree with the others. This is progress!

Yes, Pete Walker talks about this as flashback management. And yes, it does get easier over time. Flashbacks are part of life because, well, memories. You can be out at the store, and someone with the same haircut as your abuser walks by and you flashback to some memory of them. (happens to me the odd time).

For me, I started to have flashbacks without the attendant panic / fight or flight stuff, a few years ago. I had a flashback the other day to a memory of my abusive parent doing something I was doing, and the emotions that came up were very mild compared to how that would go years ago. In the moment I was like "Oh, yeah, that memory. That was really sucky the way she did that", and then it passed and I came back to the present task I was doing.

For me, the critical things I heard growing up were powerful - just as you wrote about in your post. At first I would say it was really hard to convince my inner child that these criticisms really were not true. But I kept at it, as you are, and over time, it got easier and easier to manage flashbacks to when I felt that criticism or contempt from a parent.

Over time, and with lots of stumbling along the way, I learned how to recognize the criticism / feeling of contempt, thank myself for surviving such a sad situation as a small defenceless child, and then say something different to my own child. Sometimes it involved a good cry, to grieve for that moment in my childhood that I flashed back to.

Realizing that our own parent felt contempt for us when we were small was huge for me - a very painful but important moment in my process. I can still recall the first time I realized "oh, she really didn't even like me, or want me around, that gut feeling I had that she didn't want me around - it was real".

It almost felt like an Alice in wonderland moment for me, almost surreal when I first realized her contempt for me was real. Anything we do to be compassionate to ourselves when we have these realizations or flashbacks, I think it is very important to practice that self-compassion. Flashing back to when our parent felt contempt towards us can be quite a powerful moment emotionally speaking.

Hugs to you today,

Trees

[Sneezy]

Sometimes I catch myself thinking some pretty mean, judgemental things.  Things that my mother (covert NPD) or MIL (very vain HPD) would think.  I'll see someone and instantly criticize (internally) what they are doing or wearing, etc.  And then I catch myself and remember that I'm NOT my mom or my MIL and I don't want to be like either of them.  And I'll take a breath and smile and find something nice to say or think.  It's that moment - where we pause and reflect and consciously choose not to be like them - that matters.  That's the moment that defines us, not the initial thought that has been conditioned into our brains. You handled it well and you are definitely not like your mom 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

MoGlow, LemonLime, NarcKiddo, Cat, Trees and Sneezy - thank you so much for your comments. I feel relieved. I have just been sitting with these feelings for days, not sure where to put them. You are helping me realize I am making progress, and to find a place for these "residuals".   

I am sort of proud that I am not like my mother. I think I know how to have a healthy relationship and I am learning more all the time. I at least can avoid the bad stuff. I feel a bit sad though that I was the target of such contempt and deliberate ignoring from my mother as a kid. It was and is very real.

[moglow]

Blueberry - re: things that can be damaged:

Growing up we had a sweet solid wood desk in our den, hinged lift top with a bookcase on the backside, matching chair. Md wouldn't let anyone use said desk because God forbid it get scratched or damaged in some way. So it sat there unused and taking up space my entire life, I never even saw her use it. Several years back md was moving to a smaller place and asked if I still wanted the desk - my brother brought it to me and LOW and BEHOLD, there was a large water mark on the top where a plant or maybe tabletop fountain had leaked. For a while apparently an no one thought to dry it up or put something under it. No matter, I researched some cures and sorted it, never said a word to her about it.

I've since named it the fuck you desk because FU md!! It's MY desk now and I use it all the time - my computer sits on it, I have my fave picture of Daddy and a cool mug to hold pens, have books and framed pictures on the shelves. I pay my bills there, write cards, address whatever, and smile every time. I know without a doubt it would piss her right off if she knew and that makes it so much better!!

Just my little side victory story. I'm all about the little things that make us smile. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

It's MY desk now and I use it all the time - my computer sits on it, I have my fave picture of Daddy and a cool mug to hold pens, have books and framed pictures on the shelves. I pay my bills there, write cards, address whatever, and smile every time. I know without a doubt it would piss her right off if she knew and that makes it so much better!!

Nice story, and by the way it sounds like a great desk. Glad you have it and are enjoying it. 

[moglow]

It amused me that she was all caught up in how we'd damage it then passed it down after SHE had. It IS a great little desk!!

[xredshoesx]

i've experienced this as well blueberry.  you did a good job identifying what was going on from the past and making it stop in the present.  i think it's also important to remember that we are not always 100% the best we can be with our kiddos (with or without having a uPD/ PD parent) and just because you felt impatient in that moment does not mean you are going to become your mother.  you are human and we are allowed to make mistakes.  the important thing again is you recognized it for the trigger and found a way to redirect both yourself and to get your DH to help.  be gentle with yourself-

[PunkCroc]

Hi! I'm a first time poster here, new. But reading your situation resonated with me. My mother is notoriously terrible with money, and I find myself thinking "I don't want to be like her, I don't want to be like her..." all the time. If I spend money on myself, even if it's something like coffee, I feel "Am I being irresponsible like her? Am I mom?"

It does stay with you. And I think actively recognizing it and making a specific decision to not react the way your mom would is the right thing to do. It takes a lot of courage to make a deliberate effort to not repeat the behaviors that hurt you growing up.