Hope to share

[gfuertes]

Just over a week ago my divorce from my AntisocialPD ex was finalized.

After I finally officially filed, he created confusion over whether he'd been served, but then showed up for the Case Management Conference. Then he failed to submit the certificate of completion for the parenting class, or his financials, blew off mediation and the 1st final hearing. The judge gave him a second chance (and me a 2nd chance to prove he'd been served.) I did. He didn't show for the 2nd final. And now I have sole legal, primary physical, the P/T schedule for ex that I wanted; an order for reasonable child support, and I kept my house.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night. And while trying to go back to sleep, I realized that for the first time in at least 5 years...maybe 10... maybe 15... I was not afraid of anything. I realized that as I went back to sleep I was musing about the beauty of the world, the interconnectedness of everything, and things I look forward to in the future. There was no crippling anxiety about anything, no hard-to-dispel thoughts about mortality and how it would someday feel to gasp for my last breath; no feeling overwhelmed by my own inadequacy or ways I felt stuck in life. Nothing to compel me to turn on a light, or the TV, to distract myself from the darkness.

Several years ago, while my ex was being prosecuted, and before he went to prison, I remember watching a young student of mine with Autism dance and squeal with unmitigated joy over finding a favorite lost toy from home he'd tucked in a corner of the classroom months before. I felt embarrassing jealousy, because I couldn't even remember the last time I'd felt that happy. It had been so long ago that I'd forgotten to even keep asking myself when was the last time I'd felt happy. And I couldn't imagine I'd ever feel that way again.

Right now, I'm not euphoric, dancing or squealing. My ex has already begun systematically testing which parts of our new orders he might be able to circumvent. Our son still seems like he hates me for the first half-hour or so that he returns from time with his dad. There's not a magic ending. But I feel *normal*, despite having forgotten for a while what normal feels like. It's like getting accustomed to a chronic pain, then suddenly having it gone.

I hope for this for all of you, too.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[square]

 

[SonofThunder]

Thank you for sharing this hope! It's great to read stories of people who have made it out the other side and are doing well. I am so happy for you!

Congratulations on the finalization!  👏.  Yay!

SoT

[Kat54]

Congratulations! Very happy for you.
I can kind of relate. I felt very free and no longer anxious about every move I made. It's now my life and I make every decision.
It's tough with the kids but it gets better hopefully for you.

[Stillirise]

Congratulations!! Here's to much more joy and peace in the days ahead, for you and your children!!   Even though you still can't let your guard down totally, because of the kids and the boundary testing, I can assure you that the feeling of peace and freedom gets even sweeter with time.

[hhaw]

::Dancing joyfully with you,G::

[SeaBreeze]

So happy for you! Thanks for the update. 

[StartingHealing]

gfuertes,

Congrats!

I hope that soon I can share in a similar experience. 

Wishing you all the best