Did your NPD ex initiate the divorce?

[Unbroken1]

I know that the stats show that individuals with PD are more often divorced by their spouses than the opposite. In my case my uNPD ex was the one who started the process.

I tried to save the marriage by insisting that she attend both couples and individual counseling, but she accused our therapist and I of "ganging up" on her, so she quit. She claimed to adore her new personal therapist, though. This was familiar territory as she had her own therapist when we met and that one had boundary issues so I imagine the reason she liked the new therapist is because she sensed that the new one also was emotionally vulnerable in some way, as with her former counselor.

At any rate in my case, I'm still trying to figure out what happened after the fact. I realize now how fortunate I was to have gotten away from such a toxic individual and that the nightmarish experience, as it was, could have been far worse. I think she just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible with the maximum amount of pain inflicted on me, in an emotional as well as financial sense. The whole discard process, once in play, was like being thrown as a passenger out of a moving car and then being run over a couple of more times when the driver stops and backs up to make sure the job is done.

On top of all that, we had to live together out of necessity for 6 months after the divorce since neither of us could afford to move out until the house sold. During that time she crafted a public narrative (to cover for her nascent sadism) that our split was amicably mutual and, being naturally gregarious, developed a new set of friends to triangulate me with. She violated our therapist's guidelines of not gossiping or trashing my reputation during the divorce, extorted a 5-figure sum from me, and threatened to make me pay for the privilege of keeping the two of the three pets we had, even though I had agreed with her previous choice as to which of us got to keep which pet. Other punishing behaviors followed which were petty, sophomorish and just plain vindictive and just meant to hurt me.

Seven years later, I feel like I was sandbagged by my ex and our "arbitrator", a $600-per-hour family attorney who agreed to do our case pro bono since we attended the same church. I figured it was an incredibly lucky situation given the circumstances. Now, knowing how it all ended, I would take my chances in court fighting her considering how the "amicable" split cost me. The ultimate gall, chutzpah, whatever you want to call it, is that I had paid $60k out of pocket as half the down payment on our house as a gift to her, and now, sitting in front of our "arbitrating" lawyer 15 years later, she just out-and-out lied and told me she had always meant to pay me back. Me, the naive dupe, just sat there, speechless. All I could manage as a response was "Funny I've never heard you mention that until now."

[Kitbit]

I'm separated from my exnpd spouse. Emotionally it was a kind of gift in the end, which others told me but I couldn't understand until much time and grief/anger had passed. We are actually still in contact, which is hazardous, but I'm able to withdraw from unhealthy interactions more easily as a person. I was expecting good husband behaviour and instead got a lot of pain and heartache. I don't expect that quality level of behavior anymore from him. I hope things work out for you and that you can build anew with some support from your community.

[Catothecat]

My uNPDexh also started the process by declaring we needed a legal separation because the marriage was a failure, he was unhappy, I should move out and we should both move on etc.  I went along with the separation because I really had no choice--if he wanted to leave he would leave, there was nothing to hold him.  So after the separation...nothing happened.  He didn't leave, he no longer spoke about how unhappy he was with the marriage, we continued to live together.  I thought his not moving out meant he wanted to work on the marriage, and I know I did (I was still in the fog) but after a year of inertia and his behavior unchanging I decided this is ridiculous, I didn't want to continue living that life.  So I left him and we divorced.

He blamed me for the divorce, said because I left him I should pay for everything, he was entitled to take what he wanted out of the house and I should ask for nothing.  The fact that we had been legally separated for more than a year and it was his idea to begin with was something he totally "forgot" and you better believe he didn't tell his friends or family that side of the story (no one knew we'd legally separated because he wanted it "kept to ourselves"). 

In retrospect, I now understand that the entire separation was just one more of his manipulations.  He was warning me he'd leave if I didn't leave him alone to do as he pleased and working on the marriage was the last thing he really wanted.  He wanted me to accept the situation on his terms and his terms only.  Of course, after the divorce I ignored all of his attempts to get me to pay for the entire divorce, give him things I'd taken from the house back to him (that he didn't need, just wanted back for spite after initially telling me I could take them), even reconcile when he couldn't find another woman to immediately replace me.  Once the fog started lifting, I had to accept the mistake I'd made in marrying him and to move on psychologically and emotionally.  Turning that marriage into water under the bridge was difficult but it eventually happened.  The resentment and bitterness lasted longer than I liked, but in time it went away.  You just have to trust yourself and the process.

[Free2Bme]

One day, I packed up everything, left, and filed. 

It came as a total surprise to updh. 

Initially, there was a singular episode of fake tears and pleading but when I told him my terms were that he, a) come clean to family/friends/church that he was abusing and  b) get help, he wasn't interested in "saving marriage". It was an ugly, protracted, expensive divorce.

Of course PD's never waste a good crisis.  He painted himself the victim and used situation for all it was worth.  Milked it dry in all respects. 

It's been 6 years, he recently remarried.  He has repeated the cycle with this next victim, same pattern as with me. Love bombing, move quick to secure the net source before the mask drops, and all the rest.  Poor thing, I feel sorry for her.

[Associate of Daniel]

My UNPD exH initiated the divorce.

I initially insisted we go to counselling but he stormed out of the 1st session within 10 minutes.

I also knew there was nothing to save.  He had never really entered into the marriage relationship.

He was hardly ever around, was unreliable, didn't include/consider me or ds in his plans, and maintained an (at the least) emotional affair with his now uNPD wife throughout our marriage. I was always the 3rd wheel to their relationship.

My Christian beliefs led me to follow the scripture that states if the unbeliever wants to leave, let them leave.

I was naturally devastated when he eventually left but I was also incredibly relieved.  The relief has never ceased in the almost 10 years since he left.

AOD

[Poison Ivy]

I initiated the divorce. It was about a decade after my spouse began to emotionally abandon me and our children and five years after he began what allegedly was a short-term stint as his parents' live-in caregiver, 150 miles from our home. My spouse has said several times that our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to him, but when I told him a few things he could do to avert my filing for divorce, he didn't do them. (The things: asking his father to pay him by check instead of in cash under the table; and coming to our house at least once per month.) My ex's personality disorder is avoidant, dependent, or a combination.