I want him to leave but I have no guts to do it.

[UncomfortablyNumb]

Hi, new  fairly new to the forum!
So I left my common law partner in late 2020 and spent 5 months in a womens shelter with our children until we got housing in another city.

Fast forward to April 2022, we reconciled.  He swore he changed and said he was responsible for what happened.  Never got an actual apology though, just him saying he was responsible but, get this, he blamed it on how our old house "possessed him like Amityville".
Anyway, stupid me fell for his charm/love bombing and let him move into my place (he lived with his elderly parents).  He's done a lot around my place like painting and getting new furniture which I really appreciate but he got all mopey one day saying he felt under appreciated and he hoped I wasn't using him (Which I'm not).

Anyway, these are all of the things that has happened since he moved here and I'm struggling really hard if I'm just over thinking things or if he's really sliding back to his old ways again.  I do want him to leave because I'm unhappy with the way things have turned out.  I do not want to leave because the kids and I do not want to to experience living in a shelter again for months again and being put back on housing lists which can take years (I was so lucky to get this place I'm at now and that took 5 months) I just don't want to hurt him again.  He said he was devastated when I left last time.

He told me he would disappear for no one ever to ever find him if I ever kicked him out.  I asked him to clarify but he just walked away and refused to talk about it.

He got angry with a fast food drive thru employee for missing an item which was embarrassing as I've never seen him do that in our 12 years together.

He said his road rage was much better and he's calmer on the road.  He proved that wrong on a drive by tailgating "tailgaters" to teach them a lesson where my car was beeping and flashing g at him to brake because he got so close to bumpers going 130km...yelling how stupid everyone is...while our 6 year old was in the car with us.  He then told me that I was mad at him when we got to our destination. I never said that.  In fact, I had no words because I was TERRIFIED.
The next day I approached him and gently said I was concerned about him and if he was going to call his therapist which he said he was going g to do weeks before because of his depression.  He asked me why and I told him I was terrified of his behaviour on the road and he just walked away.  I've refused to get in the car with him since.

He constantly asks what my family and friends say about him (they think he's arrogant and talks over them but I'm not going to tell him that lol).

The cops were called on him because he took a pipe away from a kid that was swinging it way too close to our kid and other kids and the kid accused him of grabbing him ( I didn't see what happened but nothing came out of it anyway because he was simply trying to keep our kid and her friends from getting  hit by the bully) but he got paranoid that people are all against him in our complex and put cameras up everywhere on our house because "someone may mess with our cars."  He even thought these obnoxious boys that were not involved in the incident, were sent out to annoy him by acting rambunctious behind our backyard a few days later. I didn't bother arguing with him about how ridiculous that sounded.

I have a very low sex drive due to a few chronic illnesses and my disgust with his behaviours and I hate it when he starts going on about how long it's been (a month) and he makes immature sexual jokes that's not even related to the conversation were having.  He'll come up behind me, usually when I'm cleaning or doing dishes and just grabs my boobs and grinds himself against me or if I'm sitting outside and when he walks by, he rubs his package on my leg.  He's almost 42 and well, I just don't find it sexy, at all.  Just immature in my opinion.  I just have no drive. I'm a SA victim so that stuff bothers me and he knows that.  I hate it when he makes me feel guilty about it then I just eventually give in just to get him to leave alone about sex for a while, which I know is sexual coercion.

He will make digs about my PMS moods (I'm perimenopausal now so yes, I do get a bit cranky sometimes but I dont take it out on anyone, I just get really quiet).  I never point out his nasty moods (which he does take it out on us) because we'll, he'd blow up if I did.

He also made a tiny dig at me for mispronounced my friends name by accident. I really slurred her name as I have a a chronic neurological disease that affects my speech sometimes.  He laughed and pointed out my mistake, though I laughed with him, inside it bothered me.

Yesterday, he told me to bear with him because his the contract at his job is up for renewal and he's not sure if they will have to strike. So it seems he's warning me he'll be extra moody in the coming weeks.

Now the past 3 weeks, he's been pretty good.  I know it won't last and I do want to him out but when he's good to us, I start self doubting myself and feel guilty that I want him out.  I know I shouldn't wait til he blows up again to tell him to leave to justify it but that pesky trauma bond makes it really hard, especially when he's been on his best behaviour.  It's so hard to call a counselor because he's always around and the cameras outside everywhere make it impossible to chat on the phone because he can come inside at any minute if I were to talk on the phone inside.  If things go good with his contract at work, he'll be returning to work in September after being off on short term disability for 11 months so then it will be easier to make the necessary phone.

How do I get the courage to tell him to go?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! 
You wrote: ..... I told him I was terrified of his behaviour on the road and he just walked away...... This is not the behaviour of someone who takes responsibility for his actions. Just because someone swears they have changed, does not mean they have really changed. Change is slow and takes time. It is quite possible that he just behaved nicely for a while in order to get back with you with no intention to change once he has established himself back in your life. Every time we return to our abusers we get even deeper into the trauma bond.

You wrote: ....I know it won't last and I do want to him out but when he's good to us, I start self doubting myself and feel guilty that I want him out.....That is the G in FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that chains us to our abusers.

He already has warned you about what is to come in the near future. You are walking on eggshells waiting for the explosion to happen. While you are waiting, maybe you can put some protection in place to prevent yourself from going back, or letting him back in next time. How about you join a CoDA group? How about you call the domestic violence shelter for suggestions of a self help group? How about you pack your and your kids emergency bags that you can leave quickly when he starts to rage? How about you find a friend you can camp out with when he explodes?
Consider that trauma bond is like an addiction. You know that it is bad for you, yet you do it anyway. You are responsible for your and your kids wellbeing. Help yourself! Get help that you learn how to help and protect yourself.

Have you read the book "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft? You might find some valuable information in there. Good luck!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

Just one sentence for you
"If it hurts it isn't love".

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting

[losingmyself]

Work on yourself. Self esteem is the answer to begin figuring out what to do. Kris Godinez has a list of books to read on her FB page, if that's possible for you. It doesn't happen overnight, but it will come. Then you won't put up with this stuff because you'll truly believe that you deserve better. And you do. Learn to protect yourself the same as you protect your baby. Because you both deserve respect and love.

[Starboard Song]

I do want him to leave because I'm unhappy with the way things have turned out. 

He said he was devastated when I left last time. He told me he would disappear for no one ever to ever find him if I ever kicked him out.  I asked him to clarify but he just walked away and refused to talk about it.

I know it won't last and I do want to him out but when he's good to us, I start self doubting myself and feel guilty that I want him out. 

Guitarman nailed it: if it hurts it isn't love. You've described consistent, ongoing behavior that you are saying is unkind. So you struggle with whether you should remain with an unkind man. And you've answered that question too: you say you want him to leave. The only question is how to accomplish this safely, and with confidence.

You need a friend in real life to talk with. Write down things about this man you know are true. Write down some things, in a separate list, you know are NOT true. Refer to those lists when you doubt yourself.

As for that bizarre statement, that he'd be devastated and leave to never be found if you rejected him, that is unfair blackmailing and you really must disregard it. That's His Stuff to deal with, not yours.

I agree with other resource recommendations.

Be kind to yourself, and expect the same -- with consistency -- from those whom you trust with your heart.