My kid is having problems

[RiverNewland]

Hi everyone. Glad/not glad to be here. I'm sure you understand. I've been reading through some of the posts, especially from new people like me, and I relate. I, too, had a narcissistic husband and I tried to save myself and my young child from the abuse. Then I got sick, and since I got no help from family, she went and stayed with her father and suffered dearly as a result. She's been diagnosed a couple of different times by a couple of different therapists/therapy settings with BPD. She's now in her mid-20s.

The pandemic hasn't helped. She got a job right before the lockdown and then had to let it go because of the lockdown. It set her back. She became moribund and seems to have lost all desire to do anything. She spends her days and nights on the computer. She does the dishes occasionally. She yells at me when I leave dishes in the sink and gets enraged when I ask her to clean up after herself. Et cetera.

I have a serious physical illness and have been housing her for years. I can't do it anymore. I had to move, have found a new place to live and still waiting to move in. I did not put her on the lease. I asked her to go visit relatives for a couple of months just to give her a chance for a new environment, since the current one is bothering her so much. She refused. She became verbally violent and threatening - yelling and cursing at me, and once she knocked something out of my hand. I left and am staying with a friend until my new apartment is ready. She said she was going to destroy some property and kill herself if I didn't come back. She destroyed the property but didn't kill herself. I called the police. She told them she didn't mean it. They didn't take her in for observation.

I don't really know if a stay in treatment or a psych hospital will help her. I tried that when she was 19 and she went but she hated it. She got some skills but doesn't use them anymore. She didn't complete the program. I wish I could take her to a farm or a friend's place in a rural area where she could experience a completely different and healthy environment. I offered for her to go there. So far she's refused.

All I know is that I can't take care of an angry person who is disabled with BPD anymore, even though she's my beloved child. I hope and pray for her eventual recovery. She's smart, perceptive, creative, and started meditating! But at the moment, she's in the thick of her BPD. She's saying weird things like I'm being condescending when I tell her I'm sorry she's having such a hard time right now. Of course it's all my fault she's so angry (she says). It's clear that very little, if anything, I say at this moment is getting through.

Thank you for reading this. I look forward to reading and participating more.

[RiverNewland]

I just need to add that I know she's feeling abandoned. But I can't help it. I had to make some necessary changes. I tried to tell her why but I can't get through because she can't tolerate talking about her behavior. It's not going down well. Breaks my heart.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes it does. I am so sorry. What you also have to consider though,  as long as you enable her she has no incentive to look at her behaviour. You might even make her situation worse. It is a hard pill to swallow that we cannot love someone to health. By setting boundaries and behaving in a healthy manner - taking good care of yourself - you model healthy behaviour for her. She can choose to either also modify her behaviour or not.
Check out the Toolbox for strategies when dealing with her. Welcome to this informative and supportive site!

[bloomie]

Hi RiverNewland and welcome.  I am so sorry for the current state of things with your dear daughter. I am glad you have reached out to this community for support and you take important steps to care for your own health and set appropriate distance between yourself and your daughter's damaging behaviors.

Settle in and take a look through the resources at the drop down menus at the top of the page, the conversations on the boards, and when you are ready join in. I have found this to be a place of encouragement and healing. I hope you find your time here to be of good help to you!

I will see you out there on the boards!

[guitarman]

**** Trigger Warning ****

Welcome. You are not alone.

You did the right thing by calling for the police. All threats of suicide should be taken seriously.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. She frequently threatened suicide. I called emergency services when she did.

Threatening suicide is abuse.

You need to get support for yourself, apart from coming to the forum. I have support from my local carers centre and mental health charities. They have mental health carers support workers and mental health carers groups.

If we work on building our self esteem we are able to cope better.

My golden rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens. My sister tried to provoke me into anger but I realised what she was doing and didn't respond.

It is a good sign that your daughter is practising meditation.

I have been practising Mindfulness meditations for a long time. It helps me to remain calm.

The Mindfulness teacher I follow is Tara Brach. She gives free talks regularly on her website.

www.tarabrach.com

Maybe it is something that you could both do together or discuss what you have learnt?

Abusive behaviour is not at all easy to cope with, especially from a family member whom you are supposed to love and care for. I know.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Jpmom3575]

Hi River! Reading your story felt like reading my own. Right down to the getting a job, mine just quit hers because how dare they tell her how to do her job (she was housekeeping at a hotel, had been doing it all of three weeks, and they dared to ask her to clean a mirror a second time so she lost it on them). She is also in the thick of doing nothing but arguing and being miserable.

I am proud of you for taking steps to care for your mental health by putting distance between yourself and the abuse. It is so difficult to even think when we are mired in that constant drama.

I know it's hard. I don't have any words of wisdom as I am currently mired in my situation and at my wits end as well, but I have been trying to learn as much as I can about BPD and codependency and trying to learn to carve out time for self care. I think baby steps are enough for now.

I look forward to hearing your story more and cheering you on as you heal and grow!