She really doesn't care about anyone besides herself

[Sneezy]

I don't know what more my covert NPD mom could do - maybe hit me over the head with a two by four - to convince me that she doesn't care for anyone other than herself.  My DH tested positive for Covid and so I called mom to tell her and let her know that we wouldn't be taking her out this weekend.  Mom never expressed any sympathy or asked how DH was feeling.  All she said was that his five days of isolation would be up by Sunday, so she didn't see why we couldn't take her out.  Then she launched into a long-winded monologue of what she is doing and how she is feeling and how her phone screen isn't bright enough (!).  When I finally told her I had to go to do some work and would call her this weekend, she started telling me how lonely she is and how I really need to call her more often.

It. Is. All. About. Her.

Just venting - I know she won't change.  But I am putting my phone on silent and I am not talking to her for a few days.  I just can't right now.

[moglow]

Idea: Try leaving phone on silent for several days, call her when you actually have something to say or ask. You don't have to talk to her every day or every other day.


I'm sorry she's bored but it's not yours to fill that space for her. You have work and things to do. Maybe mentally set days and times to talk with her, then do just that. Don't take or return calls in between unless something specific comes up and needs to be addressed.


You'll probably get mixed reviews but you can at least free up some brain space in the meantime.

[SunnyMeadow]

Sneezy, your mother's replies, lack of concern and selfishness sound exactly like my mother. Right down to her saying how lonely she is when I say I have to go.

It's downright creepy how similar they are and how they are so skilled in the "What About Me" thing. It's annoying because now we know it's a sly plan to get even more attention. Before I knew about the whole NPD aspect, I felt sorry for her and would spend even more time to reassure her. 

I'm glad you're putting your phone on silent.

[Lilyloo]

Sneezy,  Many of us have the same mothers.  identical in that they love only 'themselves'  How very maddening it is that they can feel nothing about others, and then ramble on about their issues!  Unreal!!   Very sorry you had to deal with that!  Best wishes to your DH.  A speedy recovery!

[moglow]

Sneezy, back when I still called mother on a semi-regular basis, we had the same "conversations" over and over.It didn't matter who called - it was usually me because God forbid she actually make a call herself or show any interest - or what I might have had do say, as soon as she'd covered her subjects she was done with the conversation - dog typically had to go out or maybe she had another call.  [Look up the Bingo conversation here on Out of the FOG for more of the same]. She'd cut me off hard in the middle of a sentence, even if I tried to finish my thought or just complete a sentence, No. I stopped trying to talk to her about much of anything, then I pared it down even more when I realized she was bouncing off to tell the next person whatever I said. But to give her credit, I made it pretty clear I wasn't interested in the gossip or nastiness she had a tendency to share. I'm sure I cut her off more than once with that mess.

[Fiasco]

My mom once answered her front door on Christmas Day when we'd dragged the kids down to her house with a complaint. Didn't say hi, heaven forbid "merry Christmas", just opened the door and complained. In a similar vein she stormed into one of the kids birthday parties one year, walked up to where I was chatting with some friends, and shouted "do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get here!". Ugh. The rest of us barely exist.

[Sneezy]

Thanks all - this has been rough.  DH is really sick.  I keep testing negative, and I understand that the risk that I am carrying the virus and could pass it on to anyone else is really slim.  But I can't expose any of our parents to this.  If anyone of them got as sick as DH is, I'm not sure they would recover.

So of course uHMIL is having a bad week and threatening to leave memory care.  And covert NPD mom just can't understand why I won't take her out to run errands.  It's just one of those weeks.  And it will get better.  Just need to keep trudging forward and remembering to count my blessings 

[Cat of the Canals]

Sneezy, I hope your husband is feeling better soon and that you remain well/asymptomatic. I think it's wonderful that you are taking such precautions to protect the rest of your family, even if they don't see it that way.

My mom once answered her front door on Christmas Day when we'd dragged the kids down to her house with a complaint. Didn't say hi, heaven forbid "merry Christmas", just opened the door and complained.

PDmil used to greet us with some sort of withering criticism (almost always directed at my BIL, for some reason... maybe because H had me there as a buffer and BIL was alone), after we'd driven over an hour to visit. Then she'd wonder why he'd hide in his old bedroom for most of the visit, not speaking to anyone until we left. Hmmm... I WONDER.

[SunnyMeadow]

Sorry to hear your husband is really sick. I'm surprised your mother still wants you to take her out after knowing this. You have a good attitude about it though! 

[traumakorma]

I don't think they really do care about themselves, not in the way you would want someone to.  Their care for themselves is eminently myopic and ignorant of the damage they bring to the quality of their relationships and life. 

[p123]

Sneezy - me too!

Dad in his head is the illest person in the world and needs constant help. All crap of course. But that doesnt stop him telling me how my family "need to understand he needs me". Jeez...

A few years ago I couldnt cope. My wife was ill, my teenager has aspergers and he was having a rough time, and we had (at the time) a 6 year old. I tried to explain to Dad I had other people relying on me too. Nope not interested. In the end, I'd explode, he's lay off for 2-3 days then be back the same.

This was the reason I came on here. To see others. and CHANGE.

Now I'm not perfect but I don't give a monkeys now. If hes ill the doctors will sort him out not me (another story - they've banned him), if he wants to stay stuck in the house then again up to him).

Not my circus not my monkeys.

[Sneezy]

This was the reason I came on here. To see others. and CHANGE.

Yep, me too!  This forum has helped me immensely when it comes to dealing with my mom.  Today's "emergency" - she took a picture down off the wall to dust it (really, who does that???) and she needs me to come over right away and help her re-hang it on the wall.  Yeah, nope!  Next time I'm over there, I can help her, but I'm not making a special trip to re-hang a picture.  Picture hanging is most definitely NOT an emergency.  I told her from now on she needs to dust her pictures while they are still hanging on the wall 

[p123]

I get "emergencies" that have to be dealt with NOW!!!!!!

As if I haven't got enough of my own stuff to deal with. He lives in rented accomodation - the cover fell off his outside light. No biggie. I logged it online with the housing association.  Next day "when are they coming?". Jeez Dad hang on. Every day for the next week. In the end, he tried to tell me it was stressing him out waiting for them. Jeez dad A PLASTIC COVER ON AN OUTSIDE LIGHT.

But no, I had to drop everything..... (I didnt though).

Back to the old YOU RING THEM THEN!

[moglow]

Holy ... seriously?? THAT's where she went next? A picture hanging emergency. It's been a whole week and y'all are cured and i demand you be at my beck and call again. Did she even freakin ASK how DH is doing, if he's feeling better?

If that's not the limit.

[Lilyloo]

Unreal! A picture!  They can't stand it when not getting the attention!  She isn't caring about covid at all   I hope your DH is doing better!  I'm glad you have been testing negative!  Thinking of you and DH. 

[Mathilda]

Last february my mother moved to a nursing home (memory care unit), so now dad lives alone. And he complains about it to everyone. My uncle (his brother) doesn't want to talk to him anymore, a few months ago uncle had his second stroke and dad didn't even ask him how he was. All he does is complain. Same story when uncle had his first stroke, some years ago. Dad never asked him how he was.
Dad is still mobile, he can go anywhere and do what he wants. But he doesn't have a lot of options, because he has no friends and none of his other brothers and sisters want to see him anymore. So he's joined the church's senior group, although he's not particularly religious. One of the neighbours told me that it worries her, because dad chose not to be vaccinated and thinks Covid is a hoax.
Best wishes to your DH, I hope he will recover soon.

[lkdrymom]

Can't tell you how many times my father insisted I leave work to come &  reprogram his remote.  And he was told NO every time but he kept trying.  I wrote out the instructions for him but he still wanted me to do it...because it was 'easier'.  Or all the times I would get calls from him telling me he had to 'talk' to me.  So talk...no had to be IN PERSON.  And when I finally get there he would say 'never mind'.