A long road to recovery - and a bit of a closure. NC.

Sunny_day · August 14, 2022, 04:13:34 AM

Hi everyone,

I messaged a few years ago following FOO bereavement then I went away and worked on myself. A lot. And I think I'm in a different place now.

Fast forward 5 years later - I met with my FOO again after a period of NC/VLC with different family members and it went very very badly. It made me realise how dysfunctional the dynamics there are and my head was spinning, I had a peek at some of the convoluted stories that have been created in their heads to explain the limited contact (quite paranoid... and very very aggressive. I was shocked), I realised how much work I've done on myself as despite feeling stunned, hurt and angry I remained assertive. It was a turning point for me.

My husband was told he's not part of the family. My kids were not acknowledged. I was cornered and verbally attacked by some - while others stayed quiet and did not say a word. I was told I don't matter, but I am expected to mind read their needs and be there for them. Having my own life is offensive to them and disrespectful of their many needs which are more important. They used my maiden name - I've been married for 15 years. And this went on, and on.

I had an epiphany - this was the end of it for me. It was a goodbye. For good. I realised - all these years I blamed myself for not doing enough, for 'if I did X or Y things would be different'. In fact - it never really mattered what I did or didn't do, as it was never about me. So I left.

I will not go back. I will not go to christenings, weddings - or funerals. There will be NC. It's over. I've had enough, and it's sad to see things end this way but there is nothing else I can do.

There were so many mixed emotions - sadness, shock, hurt, anger, disbelief, confusion - a lot of confusion. Grief. Relief.

For all of you that are still struggling - there is a light at the end of the road. We cannot change others, but we can - and do - change things for ourselves and our families. We change what we pass on to our own children. And we can find a place where we're at peace, although some pain may still come up. It's ok.

Look after yourselves folks 💐

Ziggy52 · August 14, 2022, 10:37:56 AM

Sunny_day,

I can relate to almost everything you've said. I haven't tried to go back, but have held onto other family relationships too long, it seems. Similar feelings regarding how I could have done better, etc. Finally coming to the same/similar conclusions. Last night, the concept of just being whoever I wanted to be—unbelievably freeing! Still a little sad, but working through it. Thanks for posting

—Ziggy

moglow · August 14, 2022, 12:50:57 PM

Holy shitake, Sunny_day! Of all the damned nerve - but what a BLESSING!! For them to show you who they are in such an unmistakable way, that whole open mouth and remove all doubt garbage dump - stunning really. I kind of wonder at their point, but not really. They truly showed you who they are. I've found that intentional distance on our part does help clear the cobwebs.

I want to say I'm sorry they treated you that way, but at the same time I'm not. While you didn't deserve it, I'd be willing to bet there's some relief you needed, some lingering doubts or possibly even misplaced guilt that found resolution.

Wishing you much peace!

Sunny_day · August 14, 2022, 04:40:46 PM

Thank you for replying, Ziggy52 and moglow.
I have been in LC with the enablers in the last two years, I thought this may work longer term but clearly is not an option now.
What really struck me in this situation -that underneath my hurt and anger was calm, and clarity. Those that I felt on occassion in therapy after a really hard session. In a way, I felt strong, stood up when I needed to, felt angry but did not act out on it. I was my self - did not freeze in flashbacks, did not shout back in anger. I stood there, facing my past in the eye, seeing it for what it was - hurt people lashing out, and knowing in my heart it is not, and never was, about me. And then I walked away.
There were so many times on my healing journey when it felt that nothing changes. I think that, against my fears, I did change.

SunnyMeadow · August 14, 2022, 06:07:41 PM

Like moglow wrote - if there were any lingering doubts or misplaced guilt ... that meeting erased all that. I'm glad you felt calm and clarity. You do sound strong and it must have felt good.

Well, now you know and you can go live your life without them. Sad but they caused it and you're right, it never was about you. I'm glad you wrote these posts. It's good for the rest of us to read.

Sunny_day · August 14, 2022, 09:29:16 PM

QuoteWell, now you know and you can go live your life without them. Sad but they caused it and you're right, it never was about you. I'm glad you wrote these posts. It's good for the rest of us to read.

Thank you

I hope it was ok to write these here, this forum was immensly helpful for me in the past. Thank you

Starboard Song · August 18, 2022, 08:30:30 AM

We're seven years into NC with my in-laws. My wife is largely at peace with it. I... come and go. But we have insights into how they are currently communicating with others, and it leaves no room for doubt: they've only gotten worse.

It is so hard but remains true: when people show you what kind of people they are, believe them.

I know this epiphany isn't a once and done thing. It will reverberate for a while. Please prepare yourself: this may take a few days or weeks to settle. There may be some emotions coming, in random waves. That's normal.

Be good. Be strong.

Starboard Song · August 18, 2022, 08:32:50 AM

Quote from: Sunny_day
I hope it was ok to write these here, this forum was immensly helpful for me in the past.

Sunny Day, we all think that this Going NC with a PD Parent board is the perfect home for this post. It is a great message of healing and hope specifically related to this NC journey, and how it changes over time.