N grandparents

[intothewest26]

Hi, so I am new to this forum (was here several years ago briefly.) I wanted to discuss my N grandparents.

For some background, N grandma has been married three times. I've never met my bio grandfather. She and step-grandad became more involved in my life when I was in middle school, but were present off and on prior to that, we would visit them, etc. Grandma is classic N. She is emotionally abusive and enmeshing. Also will be racist then deny that said comments were racist, be verbally abusive when I ask her not to make those comments about my friends/people I know. No boundaries. When I was 11, she told me in detail of traumatic family history an 11 year old should not be informed of. Around the same time she told me of something similarly traumatic, which took place in her old house, and then encouraged me to hold a seance looking for ghosts, and some other stuff that's honestly quite disturbing looking back, and kind of gross. Also shown signs of dementia for over 10 yrs, but no one has taken her to the doctor or talked with her about this. Most recently she called me crazy and threw an object, and nearly every conversation with her is just her invalidating. I have not seen her since she threw the object. My mom is most definitely her golden child. She has made M the "golden child" (or golden adult now, I guess) and frequently scapegoats me, to the point where you can visibly tell she responds differently when M is speaking compared to when I am speaking.

Grandpa is codependent. He is enabling. I thought of him for a long time as the "good" one. However, he has increasingly made strange, inappropriate and odd comments towards me, so much so one time another family member choked on his drink when he overheard this. We were at a restaurant. I know that this sometimes happens in people who have Alzheimer's so I have wondered about this. Still, it makes me very uncomfortable, and I'm not seeing really any of Alzheimer's symptoms (But then again I'm not a doctor.)

I also have a possible sexual abuse memory from my grandparents house when I was very young. My grandma was possibly involved, don't know how to explain without going into great detail, she may have just known about it. I am in therapy and am discussing that with therapist in the next couple of days. All these things combined have made me fearful of my current living situation, which I discussed a little in a previous post. I live on the property currently, in a separate house from mom and grandparents also have separate house, but they are close by. I am saving up to exit this situation as quickly as possible.

Grandpa has asked to come to my house and help me with something which the long and short of it is, it doesn't need to be done right now. I don't really think he would attempt to harm me or anything like that. But, I feel that his behavior is suggestive of him potentially being the one to abuse me as a child possibly when I was too young to remember. I don't want him in my house, essentially. This whole situation makes me sad.

Advice on how I should proceed, or comments if you've faced something similar would be welcome.

[Cat of the Canals]

Grandpa has asked to come to my house and help me with something which the long and short of it is, it doesn't need to be done right now.

If you're not comfortable with having him at your house then don't. And if you're like me, and saying "no" is really hard, start practicing in your head right now. If he brings up this "help," you say, "No thank you." Or "I'm taking care of it" (even if "taking care of it" is deciding not to deal with it now). Whether or not he'd attempt to harm you is moot. You have a right to feel safe in your own home, and the fact that you even suspect him of abuse is reason enough to not allow him there.

[Sneezy]

Trust your instincts on this. If you don't feel comfortable having someone in your home, then they shouldn't be there. Your home is a place where you should feel safe and secure.

I don't have personal experience with abuse, but when my kids were growing up, I always told them to respect their own gut feelings about people. They knew they could even be rude to an adult if they felt like a situation was off in some way.

Your safety (both physical and mental) trumps someone else's feelings.

[intothewest26]

Thank you for the responses. Yes, I feel very uncomfortable. They have very, very poor boundaries. I hopefully will be finding someone else to live as soon as I can.

[intothewest26]

Somewhere ^