How do you recover from attacks?

[Kitbit]

Unfortunately this seems like a time with lots of episodes requiring my recovery. The rages are the most shocking. There is also the disorientation of switching behaviours, where things seem okay for a time, and I am talking to a reasonable, decent person who suddenly transforms into an out-of-control tyrant. It's still shocking when this switch occurs. If I try to de-escalate, or counter whatever he is saying, no matter how gently, there is an explosion. Then I am blamed for having challenged him, or causing him to lash out. I am learning to withdraw so as not to further escalate things, but then I am left to tend to my own recovery...(I'm ashamed to tell others what I am going through, so I'm left alone to deal with it other than coming here. If I reached out, others either don't believe me, or I get embarrassed to tell them what I'm tolerating.)

So I'm looking for how others help with their own recovery? My current strategies are withdrawing from active abuse as soon as I can, reading or watching content about npd as validation of what is happening. Processing feelings by journaling. Taking care of myself physically. How do you recover from a rage attack or otherwise nasty encounter with an npd or other abusive person? Especially when you can't leave entirely and will have to re-engage with them at some point...

[square]

Hi hon,

I'm so sorry. This is very difficult to live through. When you are in constant fight-or-flight, it wears you down and is physically damaging.

There is no magic. You do what you must to survive. If you cannot remove yourself, or not yet, you use MC, gray rock, and anything in between. You get away as often and as long as you can, running errands or anything you can do. You dissociate when the rage happens. It's not good but you do what you have to. You get a prescription for a beta blocker so your heart doesn't pound so badly. You give up, so you never get your hopes up anymore. When you talk to the reasonable person, you MC it because you can't trust it. Then when the rage comes you're still the same.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I used all the tools, when we were in the same house.  Found activities, left, cried, tried to sleep, worked at my job late, therapy, journaled, ignored his rants/rages, grey rocked ALOT, etc....  to survive it was like I had to be aware of self care all the time.  It was tiring.  All this helped me find the strength to fight my fears and leave.  I tried for years, but once I really saw who he was- I mean really saw him, I just couldn't stay with him any longer.  In order to live a full authentic life, it wasn't going to be with him. 

Grey Rock in my experience is one of the best and most effective tools.  It lessened his rages and gave me strength.   It reduced the stress in the house for my son.  It also showed me how my previous actions did contribute to his anger - as it showed me how I was feeding his narcissistic supply and giving him the power.

[notrightinthehead]

You asked: .....How do you recover from a rage attack or otherwise nasty encounter with an npd or other abusive person?........ short answer is you don't. Every time a little bit more of your self esteem, self confidence is lost.  The longer you stay the more difficult it gets for you to leave. I am still grateful that I was discarded at the end. Best thing he ever did to me.
The best you can do is use the tools from the Toolbox and get into a fulfilling activity with normal people where you can find some human connection and food for your soul.

[FancyNancy]

Kitbit, that is a great question and I am eager to read the responses you get.

My H's moods and behavior definitely cycle. Once the cycle starts, I can expect the ridiculous, unreasonable, and abusive behavior to last for weeks or months. I have learned to just sort of flip a switch and emotionally detach. I'm not sure if I "recover" from the abuse so much as "cope."

It's probably not healthy, but my number one coping mechanism is to avoid H when he's in a mood. I sleep in a separate room, run unnecessary errands, take the long way home, make plans with friends, work late, go on long walks with the dog, etc. Yes, some of those fall under the self-care category, but they also allow me to avoid H. I don't give him the silent treatment, I just minimize contact.

On the outside, I think I do a decent job at medium chill and grey rock, though on the inside I turn into an anxious mess. Sometimes that anxiety spirals into depressive symptoms, where I withdraw and sleep a lot, and sometimes it fuels some serious productivity (this particular cycle I'm getting some long overdue house and yard work done).

My best friend's ex-H was abusive, so I have her to talk to. I also read up on personality disorders and abusive behaviors to remind myself that I'm not the one losing my mind. I try to meditate, but I really suck at it. I continue to pursue my hobbies, and I reconnect with my counselor when it gets really bad.

I hope this helps.

[1footouttadefog]

Disengaging emotionally helped me.  It was hard to do when I was still optimistic things could be "fix".

Even when I had disengaged, ie leveled down the relationship, I would still get pulled back when a period of okayness had taken place. 

Eventually I got to where I seldom get lulled back in, but with that comes a lack of intimacy and connection. 

My pdH eventually went on meds that handle most of the raging and anger management.