Anyone Else Feel The Push and Pull

[rothjr3]

I want to start by saying that I am "safe." This is just a way for me to just ask if anyone else
goes through similar things to make me not feel different. I have struggled with depression since a child and still struggle with it. I began therapy when I was between 8-10 and I am about to be 40. Sometimes once a week (at the least) I think about how life would be easier if I weren't in it. I think about how my pain would vanish and it would just be a relief. I don't know why I spiral. Sometimes it can just be because someone made me feel left out. Having a BPD parent, I was always made to
feel wanted and then unwanted and it would
cycle. So, I always question this...and I can't decide if I am deliberately being left out or
I just go there in my mind because it is what I have come to expect? But, something so small as being left out of a conversation amidst others who are commiserating, can send me in a tailspin. Can anyone relate?

[Sneezy]

So, I always question this...and I can't decide if I am deliberately being left out or
I just go there in my mind because it is what I have come to expect? But, something so small as being left out of a conversation amidst others who are commiserating, can send me in a tailspin. Can anyone relate?

Hi rothjr3 - I am overly sensitive to being left out of things.  Even things that I wouldn't really want to be a part of.  I know, that doesn't make sense, but it's how I seem to feel.  I recently volunteered to be on a committee for my church and was looking forward to my term coming to an end.  But then when I wasn't asked to continue on for another term, I was hurt, even though in reality I wanted to be off the committee.  I think we all like to be included, and to have the option to say yes or no once it's clear that we're wanted.  For those of us raised by people with PDs, we are probably more sensitive to this kind of thing.  When I was very young, my mom alternated between acting like my friend and shunning me.  It was very confusing.  By the time I hit middle school, she was a pretty absent parent (which I'm starting to think was a good thing, all things considered).  But I still remember the back and forth of my younger years and that feeling of uncertainty over whether I was truly part of the "in" group or the "out" group.

[rothjr3]

Thank you so much for sharing. I feel exactly the same way—-just knowing that I was considered to be part of something is all I'm looking for. I, too, was wanted and then unwanted and then wanted and then unwanted. It was confusing to know at what point in time I was loved or unloved. So, something as small feeling left out of a conversation or any kind of buddying-up that I perceive myself as being left out—-it all feels super triggering and my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I'm glad I'm not  alone.

[xredshoesx]

my MIL is some variant of uPD and over the years i've been with my DH i've noticed all her adult kids deal with this in some degree.  it's been harder recently bc their mom used to alternate between the 4 of them for GC status, but she remarried and her husband's adult children now get her attentions.  the 5th child is just like like my MIL and nobody has anything to do with her, including the MIL.  my uPD mother also did the push/pull thing  with me and my step siblings but it had less of an effect on me, but my affect is a lot different than my husband, where he's more sensitive, i'm more stoic about it.

for my DH it also manifested in crippling social anxiety where he was afraid to ask to get up in school to sharpen a pencil or advocate for himself when he was a young adult as well as suicidal feelings as a teen (for not fitting in/ having a tribe).  he drank for years as a social lubricant/ self medication tactic to try to mask those feelings of not mattering/ being inadequate. 

he is on antidepressants and has stopped drinking alcohol and it's still a struggle at times but he's come a long way.   a parent shouldn't pick favorites and should be a cheerleader for all their kids, not just the one who courts their favor the best at any particular time and i am sorry you are still feeling that basic rejection that no child should ever have to feel.