Random thoughts

[Jpmom3575]

Just a random thought today. I am working through codependency steps and trying to start recognizing and acknowledging my emotions, intuition, and true feelings...and why.

First let me say, man this feels so much harder than it should.  Then, today's realization...

Today my h came home to paint a sink for a job he's working on. I was on my break and took the dogs out for a walk. I can laugh and talk to him, but as soon as I cut the corner it struck me....I suppose on some level I've ALWAYS been aware of but just disregarded my feelings.

He makes me feel physically ill. Chest tight. Nausea. Headache. Tingling arms and legs. My intuition is pinging at a level 100 and I just keep smiling and pretending I'm not about to pass out when I'm around him. No wonder I'm always sick and worn out.

This constant adrenaline rush of the fight or flight sensation for almost 30 years is burning me out.

I do not feel safe sharing my hopes, dreams, goals, struggles, etc with him. I tuck myself inside and pretend not to have opinions because to do so invites criticism, derision, scorn. He may champion me (it's happened once or twice), but the not knowing what he will say or do keeps me so off balance. I've forgotten what it's like to feel comfortable working in my goals without hiding and feeling sick if I almost get caught.

So that's it. Just a random acknowledgment. Trying to process and accept that THIS is the truth. Not the bury your head in the sand, pretend this is normal.

[notrightinthehead]

The fog is clearing. That's the thing about co-dependency, we are dishonest. We hide our true feelings not only from the other but also from ourselves. The flood of feelings that came back to me when my fog lifted were difficult to endure and I had to take many long and vigorous walks with the dog. Please use strategies like medium chill and grey rock to protect yourself at home.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Wow. What an insight, Jpmom3575!  That is a lot to get your head around!

Remember to treat yourself very very gently while you are processing.
Allow yourself a lot of space and time for the yucky feelings. And a lot of compassion.

I agree with notrightinthehead that you need to protect yourself using medium chill and any distancing/ detaching strategies you can. When processing difficult things, the grief, anger, disappointment and other bad feelings can leave us vulnerable to sharing / oversharing with unsafe people.
Is there anyone you can talk to, so you can be less vulnerable with h? Is there some self care you can do instead? I found that planning ahead what things I could do when I felt lonely or vulnerable kept me from looking for support from PDh, who was incapable of giving it. (more hurt, disappointment, grief etc. on top of whatever I was already dealing with)

Congratulations on your progress!!

[Jpmom3575]

Thank you both! I have been struggling to find a therapist who could get me in within the next decade (ok, only 7 months, but honestly might as well be ten years), and finally found one who can see me on the 14th virtually. Which is great. Except for the fact that our house is literally infested with cameras...I have no idea where they all are. He claims he removed them due to my ridiculous reaction (after all he was only trying to protect his home-his right, and I "lost my mind"). But....he seems to know things he shouldn't know. Although he was also tapping into my phone as well so who knows how he knows what he knows...I don't even care anymore. I just want to be able to freely discuss my thoughts without the fear of repercussions and being degraded for them.

All of that to say, yes the feelings are overwhelming lol. Thank you both I am working on my MC and Grey Rock, also on pausing before I react to process what I am REALLY feeling instead of going with the old scripts. Exhausting to say the least isn't it?

I've reached the point where I am questioning whether it is really possible to heal and work on oneself when still in the midst of a toxic and negative situation. Has anyone actually been able to get stringer, learn to establish boundaries, practice self care and heal while dealing with a PD individual?

[Starboard Song]

Has anyone actually been able to get stringer, learn to establish boundaries, practice self care and heal while dealing with a PD individual?

Yes. We've had several stories of qualified success in the Committed to Working On It group.

One in particular had a great story. He had a woke-up moment like you describe. Kids were raised, decades had washed under the bridge, and there he was.

Committed to working on it, he began implementing those boundaries. A master craftsman, he learned quick that boundaries require discipline on your own part: boundaries are about what you will or will not do, or engage with. And he studied, and worked on personal healing. And he developed an ever-greater sense of him self independent of her esteem.

Now, the PD didn't get healed. It didn't go away. And his life isn't rainbows and unicorns. But he said that he had achieved a real loving relationship with mutual respect -- hers a modified PD sort of respect, and that he found it to be enriching and worth the investment.

Others have healed a bit and hit the road, of course. But it is absolutely the case that there are several feasible options. Naturally, "PD / non-PD" is not really a binary condition: there are types and severities of PDs. But he was facing a quite real one.

I wish for you the wisdom to take one good step each day and find the path that is right for you. It may be winding. That's OK.