Finally forced to go NC

[irony101]

Greetings fellow travellers

This is my first post

I have an upd mom that was very controlling verbally abusive and sometimes physically with boiling hot showers, enmeshment during divorce, discard for the new SF the works

Recently I made a biggie on confronting her about things she said to me as a child and the best comeback she could muster was to lie and change the location of where it happened, I told her I'd happily kill her given the chance

I'd say big mistake, but it's led to basically a no contact order for the next five years, ironically enough she would say the same to me as a child and some nights I did live in fear of her coming into my room and strangling me or stabbing me to death.

I was financially in debt to her for under $20,000 I had to declare bankruptcy and after she received the paperwork it was basically continue to pay her or be homeless.

Last she heard from me in regards to that was I'll use it to pay the psychiatric bill (lol) she always asks what's wrong why do you have these breakdowns? If I bring up her abuse she will try to stand over me or makes threats.

I actually had to physically put my hands on her once as an adult as she followed me to my room trying to stand over me and wouldn't budge from the door way, very illegal where I live as it's barring the victims exit.

My brother is NC has been for 10 years, lucky bastard 😊

My oldest brother is lc and now I'm NC

I think she will hope once the five years are up I'll contact her but ......there is no way.


Trigger warning


I wasn't allowed to report my pedophile cousin to the police because it would upset her father

My aunt then during a spat with his mother divulged it as a way to get a one up, thankfully she died a slow agonizing death, I don't miss her at all, my grandfather thought the sun shone out of her ass so I was happy to see him go too.

I'm NC with my middle brother (mutually) and going NC with the oldest, both of them flourished after being free of her so I'd imagine it should be (hope) the same for me.

I have some fleas still, I was in a relationship with an uNPD for 8 years to the verge of a suicide attempts only for her to gaslight me again several hours later and then physically restrain me from leaving to seek help.

I don't know what to do

I feel bad about the money but it's been the same pattern forever, she adds things on there like gifts from my grandfather gifts from my step dad and when confronted will say oh oh oh ok I'll take $1000 off even if it's over $3500 she added.

She did an attention suicide attempt when my step father tried to be financially independent of her but I saw it for what it was, her waif self always wanting to be the victim, she cycles between witch waif and hermit as well as queen some days.

I was on anti depressants since the age of 8 so you can imagine how much better it got (rolleyes) she blames pot, but has never looking into the trauma catalyst for schizophrenia which is probably what it was as well as a combination of dexamphetamine as a child.

I don't know what I'm seeking here, I don't want to be needy, I don't want excess validation, I just want to work through it without it affecting my significant other.

Sigh

Any advice on how to deal with the loss would help, it's funny I prepared myself for losing all my family members for emotional freedom, but I stupidly always hoped one day she would seek therapy.

[Starboard Song]

Any advice on how to deal with the loss would help, it's funny I prepared myself for losing all my family members for emotional freedom, but I stupidly always hoped one day she would seek therapy.

We are never really ready for the loss.

I commend to you the book Radical Acceptance. It is about how we mustn't grasp at or cling to that which we wanted and didn't get, or had and lost. We have to accept the actual world we live in, warts and all. It was important to my wife's own journey.

In your case, I'd suggest this: what we all want in life is not a biological mother. We have that. What we all want is to have a loving, supportive parent that bouys our confidence and gives us resilience in hard times. We want a parent we can trust as a friend in any weather.

You did not recently lose this mother we all want. It sounds like you lost that long ago. What happened recently was only that you concluded your engagement with someone who was improvidently cast in the role of mother for your life. She's been given good direction and time to develop into the role and it never happened. It is past time for you to find other elder figures in your life. These people won't be your confidants in all matters, maybe. But they can be dear friends who give you joy and a sense of connection to the older generation. But it begins by accepting that you never got -- and it was lost long long ago -- the mother we pine for.

After that acceptance, there is so much joy to be found in this diverse world of good people.

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

[moglow]

I'd suggest this: what we all want in life is not a biological mother. We have that. What we all want is to have a loving, supportive parent that bouys our confidence and gives us resilience in hard times. We want a parent we can trust as a friend in any weather.

You did not recently lose this mother we all want. It sounds like you lost that long ago. What happened recently was only that you concluded your engagement with someone who was improvidently cast in the role of mother for your life. She's been given good direction and time to develop into the role and it never happened. It is past time for you to find other elder figures in your life. These people won't be your confidants in all matters, maybe. But they can be dear friends who give you joy and a sense of connection to the older generation. But it begins by accepting that you never got -- and it was lost long long ago -- the mother we pine for.

After that acceptance, there is so much joy to be found in this diverse world of good people.

Breathing this in for my own self as well today. That's good stuff, Starboard. Thank you.

Irony, please look for and embrace those people Starboard mentioned - I guarantee you can find them when you're able to look. The mothers we were given are not the ones we wanted or needed, they don't have it in them. That doesn't mean we are lacking in any way or for one minute mean we can't find it elsewhere, even as adults.

Wishing you peace.

[sandpiper]

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. Welcome to the boards - they've helped me immensely for many years.
All I can say is that I came to view myself as a refugee from the dysfunction, a bit like having your entire village wiped out by a volcano, except in our case the volcano is abuse and craziness. It damages the entire family system.
I have read a lot of books, done a lot of T, and have worked on healing.
These boards have so much comfort and wisdom.
I think it's about stepping out of that maelstrom and working on your own recovery, with the goal in mind of becoming the person you would have been if you'd never been subjected to the abuse and dysfunction.
It's a long road but every step you take along the way shifts your trajectory.
I'm going to hunt out the Radical Acceptance book - I've recently had to deal with relatives who are on that PD spectrum and who of course have convinced an entire community that I'm the devil incarnate. It's immensely stressful and I keep having to remind myself to breathe, look after myself, let go of the rage and the urge to react, and to remember my life's goal - I will do everything in my power to ensure that I don't turn into one of them.
Stepping away hurts, it's like losing a limb. But in our cases it's a gangrenous limb that will destroy us if we don't take the steps to heal.
You've come to a good place.