just have to get it off my chest

[losingmyself]

I just...
It's just        so hard ...
When do I get to have peace?? Another stellar birthday weekend with DD.
Same old story..
We can't afford to get her a present. H's new one is, well, if we can afford a present for her, then we can afford anything, and he is no longer putting his paycheck into the bank, but getting cash, because apparently, we're so rich we can spend the usual $100.00 on a gift, and take the kids out for a nice supper.
She didn't show enough gratitude to him
She swears too much
She has tattoos
I posted pictures of our dinner, and birthday wishes on FB, and he said he didn't want his F to see them because we didn't invite him over to see DD. I said I don't care, he never has a nice thing to say about her, I don't think he should care. 
You all know where this went...gaslighting, "Why don't you think he would want to see HIS GRANDDAUGHTER??"  She is not and never will be, his granddaughter.
I reminded him of a thing his F said about my DD, and of course, he never heard him say a bad word... Forget that..
I did a little scream therapy on the way to work this morning. It felt good.
The thing is, the oscillating between hoovering and discard is happening so fast. It's honestly crazy. Like, "I'll never forget that you took care of me when I was sick" To accusing me of lying stealing, cheating, whatever. It's exhausting.
I have had enough. I say it a lot, but I don't know how much more I can take.
Oh, new fun fact, my blood pressure is frighteningly high. I'm watching it with my Dr.
Wonder why????
I know I shouldn't have, but I begged DD to get him a birthday present, as his bd was last week.  She did, and I feel guilty about it. He picked at it, though, he saw that she just bought it, and I'm ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that he'll never  use it. It's a gift card from a home store. I'm afraid he'll find out the only reason she got it was because I told her to.
Anyway, I got to be with my babies, who are now both in their twenties!! That's what I'm going to take away from my weekend!

[losingmyself]

Just an edit: H gave me the rest of the cash he had from his paycheck so I can deposit it.   
Just another control tactic.....

[losingmyself]

Thank you user.
I feel that a switch has flipped in me lately, and I'm angry. We had an argument about the air conditioning the other day, where he felt that he needed to scream at me about it, and threaten to put a lock on the controller. And if we can afford to spend so extravagantly on DD's birthday, then I'd better not dare say I am trying to save money on the electric bill. He was just looking for a reason to yell at me for anything. Now he's all love-bomb-y again.
I promised myself that I would call my sister today, and let her know how my life is, a thing I've been hiding from everyone. I am too nervous to do it, though. I'm a little better, because I don't feel that I would be betraying him, like I felt before, I'm just nervous to become a blubbering mess on the phone, at work. But I can't do it at home.
But anyway.. I have really really had enough. Really.
I really need my people. And that is my family. I miss them so much.

[blunk]

I promised myself that I would call my sister today, and let her know how my life is, a thing I've been hiding from everyone. I am too nervous to do it, though. I'm a little better, because I don't feel that I would be betraying him, like I felt before, I'm just nervous to become a blubbering mess on the phone, at work. But I can't do it at home.
But anyway.. I have really really had enough. Really.
I really need my people. And that is my family. I miss them so much.

I was afraid of the same. When I was finally ready to open up, I went to my car during a break at work and called my cousin. She was amazing, more supportive and understanding than I could have hoped for. Family makes all the difference. You should decide on a time to reach out and call your sister. You will feel better for it. Just sharing the burden of what you are carrying with one other person can provide so much relief.