NC @ 5 months

[foobarred]

Life is still in pieces, but at least they're mostly peaceful pieces. I can't stop marveling at how much quieter my life is now without all the drama. And how much more time and energy I have, now that it's not all being sucked away by PD mom. I still don't have an overarching purpose for my life yet, but I'm brimming over with ideas and plans for smaller projects.  Suddenly everything feels much more "possible" – plans that I had relegated for years to the "someday" pile are now turning into "this fall" or "next year".

I struggled with the temptation to contact her at the three month mark. My original plan had been to go NC for three months, see how I felt about it, and then write her a letter to let her know I'm alive and to test the waters. When I went NC she nixed that, indicating that she never wanted to hear from me again. But I still wondered if I should reach out to her.

The thing that finally decided me against it was that I couldn't think of any possible benefits . She would see it as a sign of weakness, and I would be cracking the door open for further abuse. I had no indication that she had changed, and no hope that I would get any kind of closure. And I wasn't missing her at all. I was missing the *idea* of her – having someone to talk to, having someone to share my life with. I missed that illusion. But the actual woman herself I did *not* want to interact with. So I didn't.

And I'm glad I didn't. Three months was *nothing*, in terms of recovery. My emotions were chaotic, and many times I felt uncertain and overwhelmed. It's only in the last month or so that things have started settling down enough to get a picture of what's going on, like snow settling in a snow globe after you've shaken it. The snow is still flying, but at least it's not a whiteout. I have a feeling that this recovery and reconstruction process is going to take much longer than I thought.

I have a couple of "meta" projects that I've decided to work on, i.e., psychological goals that I want to  keep in mind  while I'm working on more concrete things. One is to do battle with my fear of vulnerability. I have man-eating avoidant attachment disorder, and I really hate the idea of putting myself out there for fear that I'll be judged. Because I always *was* judged, and subsequently rejected, whether I succeeded or failed. It was just a question of the *degree* of rejection. So now I'm terrified of doing things that people can see, and efface myself to the point of invisibility. Psych says the only way to deprogram negative experiences is to have lots of positive experiences, so I want to start putting myself out there in little ways and desensitizing myself.

My other goal is to figure out how to play. Play was not in my family's vocabulary: you were either working, or "goofing off". Every single hour was supposed to be productive (according to *their* definition of productive), or enable production (e.g. eating and sleeping). The idea of doing something just for the hell of it was a completely alien concept. Even *hobbies* had to be useful. In contrast, listening to my caretaker talk about the trips she took, the parties she attended, the restaurants she ate at, the events she went to, etc. has opened my eyes to the fact that other people don't live that way. And when I compare their lives with my parents' grim existence, their way seems better. So I want to learn how to do things that are totally useless without feeling guilty.

Best wishes to the rest of you on this journey.

[bloomie]

foobarred - what a self aware and hope filled update! Wow!!!

How exciting to hear you describe your goals and intentions as you gain solid emotional ground and see through the blizzard! May you do many totally useless things today completely guilt free!!!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Sending you my support, Foobarred. I really like the goals you are focusing on, and you have actually given me some ideas too.

Very glad to see you are finding peace in your life. I believe that is one of the primary desires that drive many to go NC. It is funny though, because it can indeed feel like something is missing and then you wonder what to do with all that extra space.  You seem to be clear with where you want to go which I think is great. It is good to dream, to plan, and maybe even enjoy the ride along the way. To make strides, then look back and acknowledge how far you have come can be just amazing.

[treesgrowslowly]

Wow! Great progress foobarred! My first year NC was rough emotionally. I had no idea about my need to recover a sense of play until years later.

Bravo to you for what you are doing for yourself. So good to hear this.

I think that discovering play as an adult requires experimentation and self-compassion. I know that for people who love animals, spending time around them really can help with finding that state where you are just relaxed and enjoying the present moment, going with the flow.

Good luck and I hope you post more about how you explore this new found freedom!!

Trees

[foobarred]

Thank you for your kind and encouraging replies!  Always good to get feedback from folks who have been there.

I'm not on these boards much anymore, but I hope to keep posting at regular intervals, just to document how things evolve.

Happy fall, y'all!