help

[losingmyself]

I just talked with DD and she wants to move back home from the city, 5 hours away. She asked if she can stay with us till she gets settled. I said I would talk to H about it, and that went as well as I expected.
He is not happy about it, and I don't know what to say. He said to remember that they don't get along, and she said and did not nice things to him, which is b.s.
I don't know how to respond to him, I just said that maybe this is an opportunity for them to work on that. And that she's not just a random person going in and out of our lives.
I wanted to say that the not nice things were said and done by HIM but he won't hear that, and that'll start a whole new argument. I think he just said that he'd start to look for an apartment for himself, although he wrote appointment. I sent a ? Help me have the strength to do the right thing. He's going to force me to choose between him and her, and I already made the wrong choice once. I'm so scared right now

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry you are in this dilemma. Sounds like every choice is the wrong one.

I really have no advice for you, I always chose my kids when forced. And he chose to find another partner eventually.

[losingmyself]

Thanks for your support. I tried to talk with him again, and he has such a wrong memory of how things were. I don't think I can talk to him about it. He kept changing the subject, as per usual. He said things like "They DRAGGED me into family counseling, then just YELLED  at me for HOURS"
I don't know if this is gaslighting, or if it's his honest memory of that situation.
The family counseling was his idea, and nobody yelled, the kids just told a counselor how they felt. Answered her questions. Cried. I know now that was a bad idea, to go. I hoped that it would help, but of course it made things worse.
He made comments that he's going to look for another place to live. I know that he won't. He'll just stay there and punish us.
I think this might be the impetus to get away from him. I would like to have a normal relationship with my kids, without the stress.

[lkdrymom]

Would his moving out be the worst thing?  Call his bluff.  Say yes, maybe it would be best if you found some place else.

[losingmyself]

No, his moving out would be the BEST THING EVER. But, I know that he won't. I have been with him long enough to know that he just throws out empty threats.
At his CORE he is a coward.
It's amazing to me that I allowed him to control me for so long, and I think the thing was that he knew he could confuse me with circular b.s.  and for some reason, I was afraid of him.
It's the weirdest thing, I am not really afraid of him physically. That's not what pops into my head when I think about confronting him, it's how he gets into my head and throws me off so much that I am always sorry I said anything. Yesterday when I was trying to talk to him, he was bringing up things from 10 years ago. Things that had nothing to do with the conversation at hand.
I am better than this, and I am stronger than this. I know it's there, somewhere.
Sorry, I rambled. A thing my brain is doing a lot today..
Thanks for your replies. It's so awesome to have this support.