Sadness in the realisation that is was all a mask

[escapingman]

I am 4 months out now and have been no contact except from a couple of emails relating to the children and bumping into each other in court and on children's activities. With a lot of reflection and work on myself I have got the the conclusion and understanding that everything I loved about my STBX was just her mask. The only thing I see now is the person she actually is, the one behind the mask. This makes me so terrible sad, that the person I loved and shares my life for so long with does not exist. She never did and it was all a con. I am sure you all know what I am talking about, but how do I grieve loosing someone that never existed? I met and married a mask and I am know divorcing the person behind the mask, and this person I would never have married in a million years. I am feeling confused and sad with the realisation, it's not like I could give it another chance or something as the person doesn't exist. I can see that the person I am divorcing was there all the time, but I refused to see it, I think it was a long time since she stopped hiding it, I don't think I saw her mask for the last 5 years other than a handful of times when she needed something.

How do you cope with this?

[SonofThunder]

EM,

Sorry you are experiencing the loss and related sadness regarding the mask. 

With me, coming Out of the FOG was both a huge burden lifted, to finally know what causes my experiences, both with PD and also my huge part in being a caretaker.  I have the 50/50 rule to hold me accountable as well as my stbxw. If I was a betting man, i would put my money down that my wife would not have dated a non-caretaker male for very long, because they would short-circuit each other quickly, which is what occurred when I stopped caretaking. Therefore, i had a huge role to play and I sadly played it very well for a very long time. 

BUT!....I would do it ALL over again to have the same children 😃. They both have many of her good traits, interests and even share some of my stbxw's physical features which remind me of her.  I am grateful I get to experience the best parts of my stbxw now through my children going forward! 😊.  Therefore instead of grieving the the 50% rule negative things that existed for decades, I am finding ways to be thankful for the good things that my decades produced.

My children, realization of the truth of my FOO, thick skin but a tender heart, skills to deal with any difficult personality, friends here at Out of the FOG, the good times that did exist over the decades (they weren't ALL bad or I would have come Out of the FOG and/or left a long time ago), a monogamous and safe sexual partner (although sex was manipulated much 😂) and I could find many more 👍.

Is it possible for you to write a positive list to be thankful for regarding her and the good parts of her in which your kids reflect, and focus on those great things while you let time do its wonderful thing on you over the coming months or year(s)? 

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

Like SonofThunder, I accept responsibility for my contributions to my marriage and divorce, and I would not give up being a mother for anything. My children are the light of my life. Their father has issues; so do I. But I'm pretty sure I'm a better parent now than I was for many years during the marriage.

[escapingman]

Thanks both, but there are literally zero good about STBX when the mask is off. There are good things that came out of being with her, but that doesn't make her good. The children of course, I am grateful for them, but I worry they have been damaged by all the fighting and abuse from STBX. I have become educated about myself and others, I have got better at standing up for myself and especially towards my own FOO. But writing a list of good things about STBX would only describe her mask and make me even sadder. I want her back, but I know she doesn't exist. The one behind the mask, I never want to ever see again.

[NarcKiddo]

It is a pretty horrible realisation, and grieving the loss of something that did not exist is hard to navigate. I'm working through similar issues with my therapist at the moment. I can't advise with any history of success but I can relate.

I find it less difficult to deal with grieving the loss of a past childhood boyfriend who I now realise was a groomer and abuser. I was surprised to find myself sad at the loss of my version of the boyfriend, but since I have nothing to do with him and have not for over 30 years it does not seem so bad.

Dealing with the fact my mother is not the actual person I thought she was is proving a bit tougher. Possibly because I still have to deal with her, so she is a reminder of what she is not. Constant salt to the wound.

I don't think it is at all unreasonable or odd to grieve a fictional person, though. Maybe that is because I have dabbled with writing fiction so I am familiar with the concept of the characters being totally real in my head. I care about them and sometimes they do unexpected things - which sounds really crazy since they are entirely constructs of my imagination. Even as a reader of a good book, though, you will probably have had emotional reactions to fictional characters.

The fact you saw good things about her once, even if they were just a mask, says much about you and your goodness. I don't think it should make any difference to your grieving that it was not "real" because it was real to you at the time. Now you know different, but treat the mask as a separate person. Grieve that until you accept it has gone.

Hugs.

[square]

I wonder if you might benefit from content about recovering from being catfished, the ultimate experience of loving someone who doesn't exist.

[Poison Ivy]

I think it can be helpful to see another person as all bad when going through a divorce with that person. But it can be helpful to find ways to avoid transmitting such feelings and opinions to one's children if the person who is or might be all bad is those children's other parent. The children likely will have some kind of ongoing relationship with the other parent, and even if they don't, they might struggle with their own identities if they think that some of their genes come from a person who is all bad.

[pianissimo]

You might want to talk about this with someone who understands personality disorders.

I think my mother is on the spectrum, but I don't think she's just a mask. She has some qualities and values that are related to her community, and I think they are about who she is. I think these become a source of narcissistic supply too, but I think these are her natural boundaries. If she had a chance to develop a sense of self, I think those qualities and values would still be there.
Having said that, I can also see that my mother might be feeling inferior for having some of the qualities and values. Some of these didn't make sense to me until I learned about personality disorders. I think this is also about who she is.

I would say, if you saw these kinds of aspects about your STBX's personality, you must have seen her for who she is, and you must have loved her with those qualities. Most people drawn to this forum usually have these initially unanswered questions about their loved ones, like "What's up with their reaction to X", "What's up with their love for Y", "Why would they feel attacked when I bring Z up?" I think all these are related to the PDed person's authentic self, and it seems like people here actually are able to accept what the PDed person can't accept about themselves.

[vanillasea]

Hmm...

Maybe I'm not healed enough.

I must say I hold a strong level of compassion for my ex as I see if he could just shut off his need for control he COULD be a loveable person.

However, same with my mother - knowing someone was willing to watch you literally die or suffer the rest of your existence and hold zero empathy or responsibility  - it isn't as easy to find any good reminder.

I had a BPD relationship and I could look back and still be thankful for some good traits and times.

But with a murderously angry covert malignant whatever you want to call them...

When you realize the con is more important and more satisfying to them and that they will harm ANYONE even children so long as they get to continue on with their game of charades...

No... disagree that I could find anything about him personally to be thankful for. He used me in every way and he had children to control me - not to love them. He is a danger to them.

What I will say is being able to find SOME THING to be thankful for WILL help.

I'm thankful he pointed out every single flaw I have. Because I was able to examine all of my bad parts.

I'm thankful he exploited every single trauma and trigger I had - as it forced me to face a lot of my fears.

I'm thankful I bore his children- because even though he wants to snatch any affection they hold for me - he is already undoing fears I would have had as they grew older. Forcing me to realize we don't own our children and we aren't owed their love or affection. All we can do is our best and not cause harm and allow them to make their own life choices as they grow old enough to do so.

I'm thankful he wanted me dead and had fantasies about my death and has a bounty on me. Because it has shown me not to take life too seriously - as it could all end before I can even press post.

There ARE things you can be thankful for.

But maybe not the same way others can for varying PDs.


Mine stole identities and only mirrors. After all these years I forced myself to love him in many forms. He taught me that LOVE is a choice- a verb....and then there is limerence. I had to love each version he presented and still have to love to some degree this hollow sack because as another poster said - the children need that from us.

I have a great deal of compassion as I said....but that in no wise means I can afford to forget how dangerous he is.

I don't think I can talk about what keeps me going in too much detail on this section of the forum....but I'm thankful my life took this horrible(?) Turn because it has shown me what is the Rock at rock-bottom.

You're in my prayers, EM.

Gratitude can help - but I think you and I may have been "should-ing" ourselves through life. So only be grateful for whatever shred you truly are grateful for....and if it is nothing right now....try being thankful for something ridiculous.

Like hey - she didn't poison you to death. Or hey, she didn't chop off one of your arms. You can still get out of bed to go to the bathroom alone at night. You didn't get any health issues neither did she that you wouldn't be able to leave her

Honestly.... you're daughters WILL be drawn to the gratitude....but yours may not be able to be anything positive about stbx. Mine can't be...because he never revealed himself to me.

Now when I see him I'm honestly creeped out. Worse than a murderous stranger - he knows everything about me....

Well...maybe not...because they pushed us too far and we woke up.

It is embarrassing that we fell for a holographic person - but now it is time to ask ourselves what scares us about emotionally available people?

Do we believe we don't deserve that? Are we scared of hurting someone or making mistakes that it attracted us to someone so seemingly unaffected by our actions that they felt safe?

You've got a second life to live now....and you're writing that story as we speak. So live!

[SonofThunder]

No... disagree that I could find anything about him personally to be thankful for. He used me in every way and he had children to control me - not to love them. He is a danger to them.

What I will say is being able to find SOME THING to be thankful for WILL help.

I'm thankful he pointed out every single flaw I have. Because I was able to examine all of my bad parts.

I'm thankful he exploited every single trauma and trigger I had - as it forced me to face a lot of my fears.

I'm thankful I bore his children- because even though he wants to snatch any affection they hold for me - he is already undoing fears I would have had as they grew older. Forcing me to realize we don't own our children and we aren't owed their love or affection. All we can do is our best and not cause harm and allow them to make their own life choices as they grow old enough to do so.

I'm thankful he wanted me dead and had fantasies about my death and has a bounty on me. Because it has shown me not to take life too seriously - as it could all end before I can even press post.

There ARE things you can be thankful for.

But maybe not the same way others can for varying PDs.

Vanillasea,

I fully agree with you that varying cluster types and varying degrees of malignancy of the cluster types, as well as male vs female and many other things, creates a wide variety of experiences for us nons.  Im so sorry your situation was so volatile and still scary.   really like how you found positives out of very deep negatives in your experiences.

You mentioned your children and so i will assume you have a good motherly relationship with them, as EM does as a father to his daughters (although his GC daughter is currently in the FOG of manipulation by what EM describes).  I can also find many situational good things that came from my bad experiences and speaking for myself only, I can find some good traits, talents and habits of my stbxw that are positive, and my adult children have benefitted from inheriting, learning-from and adopting them from their mother. 

But even if none of those good things existed, I would, at minimum, be thankful for two tiny eggs...that when fertilized in the combo of she and I, became my children.  Again, so sorry you experience(d) such volatility and I hope, both for EM and you, that although the mask was real, and that much was hidden behind the facade, that there is potentially some good to find somewhere.  I will focus on the good as I recognize both the good and the mask, yet stay on a forward path of healing. 

Again, As you well wrote: " What I will say is being able to find SOME THING to be thankful for WILL help. "

SoT

[vanillasea]

Right? Can't be thankful enough for my children.

As a woman who walked through it all alone and confused- you'd better believe my passion for them. I also don't want to lean on them for support the way I was.

To your point SOT I'm thankful I inherited my mother's brains. I got all of the love, art, and humanity from my father though.


Oddly enough - I'm thankful as you said to finally understand FOO truths....this has been eye opening and healing. I can understand the pressure some of my FOO was under and the FOG...and I understand some people are broken and should not be around children. In other words - contrary to what I was told- no child deserves it or causes it! (3 Cs!)

All we can do is build a toolbox for our children when they are young and hope they utilize it. Leading by example heals wounds.

Because of the best weapon some PDs weild (cognitive dissonance) hearing others saying they can be thankful for some attributes can temporarily set me back into 'was it really that bad?'

Like I said I did have a brief encounter with a diagnosed bi/polar BPD but didn't know this information until he had several public episodes over me trying to gently take some space. Some parts were absolutely great. I just couldn't deal with the ups and downs and all of the tears. I was so afraid he would hurt himself.  I wanted to help but I wasn't the answer.

With my spouse? I miss nothing. He knew my traumas and never let one go to waste. He would threaten to harm himself the exact way I told him the BPD did. He held up a mirror and I had my own issues that I constructed a person from a basic outline he gave. I was horified by my reflection and set out to fix what I saw. I was more comfortable that way - and I'm daily gaining new ground and chipping away at the blocks I had on my own heart. When in Stop Caretaking she said there must be something in you that fears intimacy too - I was offended at first....but so true. I felt I needed to earn it. Forget that. I was so afraid of hurting someone I chose a life with someone who can't be hurt (that he'll ever let anyone see).

I still love. That's victory. I think that's the only reason I'm alive today. I refuse to shut that off. It needs some work but here I am.

Because he works tirelessly on his good-guy image in public- I felt like him pointing a gun at me in front of my children really was just me being dramatic. I had abuse amnesia.

Even more maddening are all those coming out now saying they had suspicions he was the abusive type - but there I was (for my own survival!) Propping up his narrative out of doors...causing people to stay quiet. Friends were worried I would be one of those missing wife cases where he sobbed in the press and said I must've ran away.

Someone that can't admit any fault or wrong doing is dangerous.


So my deepest empathy to escaping man...I also can understand both having things to be grateful for....but also being unable to be thankful for a single quality....

His only positive traits I saw are manipulations of the general benefit of the doubt given in most societal interactions. He thinks people are gullible and inferior and he gets satisfaction by the smallest joke. He is obsessed with gang and rap-culture....but you would never be the wiser.

I started realizing all the shows he enjoyed were with anti-heroes and people feeling sorry for the abuser.

Time will tell what happens. I don't find the law extremely comforting as a covert is much smarter at extracting what they want out of you.

The overt started physically attacking me...which helped me break away. Even with bruises all over people blamed me or couldnt believe he could be anything but the hero of the whole state... But I thought I knew abusers after that. I was very young.  My covert told me "I can't physically hit you or you'd call the cops....so I hit you with words and nobody will believe you." And could walk right out the door and help the widow down the street push in her trash cans.  He could ignore our child for hours on end and then go to the park and have women telling me how amazing he was.

The wounds he left leave bruises only God can see. It took seeing this occur to my children to wake up and run.

[escapingman]

This discussion is very interesting, thanks to all contributing.

Your story is heart breaking vanillasea, but I can relate to so much.

I have been reflecting now for a few days and have been thinking, is there anything I can be grateful to STBX other than giving me the children. Yes, there are tons to be grateful for - but it's only because of her abuse highlighted things I needed to change within myself. I always believed that true happiness would come when finding a woman to marry and then live happy ever after. I still believed this for years during our marriage, I knew something was wrong but I could not face the "failure" and be an (imagined) laughing stock for having a failed marriage. I now know I need to find happiness and peace on my own, if I find another woman I do, if not I don't and so be it. I miss the intimacy and sex, but I never had it with STBX, I had it with my girlfriend before her.

I am grateful for waking me up and realising my FOO was disrupted, I can now stand up to them without feeling guilt. I am tankful for making me look hard in the mirror and realise all this started in early childhood and that I always tried to fit in and be accepted. I realise I was an easy target for bullies, both other children and adults.

I am grateful for now knowing no one else is responsible for my feelings, they are mine. I still fail on this but I know it is my responsibility.

But, I am not grateful for suffering with this abuse for more than 15 years. I am not grateful for all ruined holidays, events, Christmases, birthdays, meals out, car journeys, evenings, mornings, afternoons, nights........

I am still struggling to get over all this and move on, but I have accepted that it was all a mask and that is gone.

[SonofThunder]

This discussion is very interesting, thanks to all contributing.

Your story is heart breaking vanillasea, but I can relate to so much.

I have been reflecting now for a few days and have been thinking, is there anything I can be grateful to STBX other than giving me the children. Yes, there are tons to be grateful for - but it's only because of her abuse highlighted things I needed to change within myself. I always believed that true happiness would come when finding a woman to marry and then live happy ever after. I still believed this for years during our marriage, I knew something was wrong but I could not face the "failure" and be an (imagined) laughing stock for having a failed marriage. I now know I need to find happiness and peace on my own, if I find another woman I do, if not I don't and so be it. I miss the intimacy and sex, but I never had it with STBX, I had it with my girlfriend before her.

I am grateful for waking me up and realising my FOO was disrupted, I can now stand up to them without feeling guilt. I am tankful for making me look hard in the mirror and realise all this started in early childhood and that I always tried to fit in and be accepted. I realise I was an easy target for bullies, both other children and adults.

I am grateful for now knowing no one else is responsible for my feelings, they are mine. I still fail on this but I know it is my responsibility.

But, I am not grateful for suffering with this abuse for more than 15 years. I am not grateful for all ruined holidays, events, Christmases, birthdays, meals out, car journeys, evenings, mornings, afternoons, nights........

I am still struggling to get over all this and move on, but I have accepted that it was all a mask and that is gone.

EM, for you, Vanillasea, myself and so many others here on Out of the FOG and beyond; it IS amazing how the smelting fire of hardship steadily removes the impurities and begins to reveal the finest metals contained within.  Its hellish in the fire of the flux but the result is a beautiful purity that when in the hands of a master-crafter, can become the finest adornments. 

Yes, as you each well stated, recognizing the hell, yet also embracing the smelting process in our lives is, imo, a precious metal result to embrace.  Then as we continue to work with that good, both in ourselves and in the lives of our children, we can do the steady work of crafting the rest of our lives into something hopefully beautiful and calm.  We are then also much better equipped to assist our children and also put an end to the potentially generational repetitive nature that exists in the PD world, as Fjelstad's wonderful book alludes.

I wish for myself and everyone here, that we can begin to steadily remove ourselves from the revealing fires of living with a PD and continue on in the journey of working ourselves into something beautiful, positive, calm and flourishing; full of wisdom and insight from our experiences. 

EM, yes it is very sad in the realization that we live our lives on the main street facade and that the mask is/was real, but i am encouraged by you and the others here who can turn that sadness of what is/was into eventual good in moving forward.

In encouragement,

SoT

[vanillasea]

Well said, SOT!

You say that our stories are similar escapingman - so I (over?)shared how I feel.

I have a lot of work to do - I was a bully magnet as well. Shocked when I woke up to the fact I married the schoolyard bully!

It is a trying fire that does purify!

Oh! Also I found one tonight. My ex was very athletic as was I and our children inherited that. I'm thankful they are healthy and love to move!

It is very similar to experiencing a death - but as I've befriended a few who have lost a spouse - can you imagine, EM - being in love with someone truly and enjoying their real support- and then losing it?

At least there isn't too much to miss in the past. We can keep our eyes forward and come back to ourselves and give ourselves respect!

[JustKeepTrying]

This is a beautiful thread.  It is important to remember that the post divorce part - the healing part - is as important as the fog emergence and going through hell part. 

I feel like I lashed out like a child throwing a tantrum when going through the divorce.  I was so angry and hurt and frustrated and all of the emotion.  I wanted the world to see him for the monster I knew him to be.  But they (the world) just looked at me like I was some kind of petulant child.  Only my closest friends stuck with me and for that I am grateful.  It is in that gratitude that I can see my relationships now are better stronger and longer lasting. 

I mourned the loss of a dream.  The loss of an idea and hope and memory - what I thought we were and believed we were - it dissipated like a soap bubble on a sunny day.  Just poof it was gone and all that was left was the grey ugly sky of a January day.  I struggle with that loss.

But now, on the other side, while dealing with the fallout even years out, I can say I am grateful for that a grey sky because now blue can be appreciated. 

I also dealt with shame and guilt for not leaving earlier and like mentioned in other posts, I realized I was mourning the vulnerability.  That closeness to another person - well, EM you had the courage to do that - be vulnerable with her - and that can't be taken away.  That was you being brave. 

I am also beginning to understand that a living in the FOG is not authenticate and honest with yourself.  That is the part that I own.  In a therapy session last week, I was told that to truly recover from my PTSD I need to look in ALL the dark places.  To really be honest and open and true to myself.  And God it's hard.  But since embracing this the last week plus, I have never felt truer to myself.  Stronger and slowly emerging as the person I want to be.  Don't be afraid to look at those areas - show your daughters true courage - I know you to be that person.

Just the fact that you are still posting here, asking these questions, best indicator that you will make it.