Struggling with the idea that I'm not specially bad

[sambellscoup]

To cope with my abuser growing up, I had to develop the belief that I was a special kind of bad/deserving of this horrible treatment, in order to make sense of it and cope with my childhood that I was trapped in.

Letting that go is really hard, because it has a somewhat protective effect, but obviously it's not effective long-term because it's painful to regard myself in that way and it's damaging to my social life and other aspects of my life. But removing that numbing, self-diminishing protective layer means feeling the true horror of what I was put through. I feel crippled by the sadness, and the awe at how horrible it all was, and that a helpless child was treated that way deliberately, by choice, and repeatedly. But I'm trying to live in my truth and not just hide from it under the false belief that I'm just a bad kind of "special" that means I deserved it.

And removing that protective belief also means that I'm not some kind of bad special, my parents just really hated me enough to do it. How could they choose to do such evil things? To let me suffer so much under their watch?

What is there the ones that are special-bad, not me? And I just got horribly unlucky to be born into their lives? Maybe that's the reality. They've put their special level of awfulness onto my shoulders like the scapegoat they wanted me to be, and I'm not used to not caring that burden - but it actually belongs to them.

I'm not different to everyone around me. I'm equal and I'm reasonably good, but not perfect, I've made plenty mistakes and have regrets like everyone has... but I'm not special-bad. I was no different a child to the other children around me, in deserving to be treated humanely, and I am no different to the adults around me now in that I deserve to have a fulfilled life and deserve healing and to be able to function and trust people and make connections.

It's just wrecking my head trying to really learn that.

And it's hard not to pull the may protective blanket back over me due to the shame of what I went through and how shocking it would be for people to hear about it because it's so messed-up. And my last counselor diminished the worst of it because my mother did it rather than my father. It's taboo to talk about mother-daughter abuse of that nature, and having a taboo past makes it very hard to not revert back to that belief that I'm special-bad.

Sorry this is so rambling.

[Starboard Song]

I can't respond at this moment but cannot fail to later.

I am dropping this brief note to say you are worth this work you are doing now.

[sambellscoup]

I guess another thought that occurs to me that makes it hard to remove the self-hurting blanket is that, well, 2 people, my mother and brother, completely hated me with a passion, and my father hated me enough to actively permit abuse of me right in front of him. So this feels like evidence that I'm certainly a very hate-able person. I know not everyone needs to like me, but hatred is scary, and I'm afraid that more people might hate me and become angry with me and be cruel, or push me away and abandon me because they hate me. So if I just hide under the I'm-just-bad blanket I'll already feel preemptively hated/hate-able and I'll just make sense of it by telling myself "yup, that's just me being special-bad as usual".

[NarcKiddo]

I'm really sorry you are struggling with this.

Of course you are not special-bad. You were mistreated and allowed to believe you are bad.

Would it help at all to consider whether your parents and your brother did not, in fact, hate "you"? It sounds like they never took the time to even try to know "you". They may have hated themselves and took it out on you. They may have hated whatever idea of "you" they had confected for themselves to enable them to do what they did.

I am sorry your last counselor minimised the abuse. I hope you can find another one you can trust and open up to because it sounds like that would help.

[escapingman]

I don't know your history and what actually went on, but it was not your fault. Every family with a Cluster B person must have a scape goat, it could be different people at different times but most often one person has the role most of the time. Did your brother treat you badly all the time, or was this his coping mechanism to avoid becoming a scape goat himself?

My uNPDxw assigned the role of scape goat to one of my daughter and regularly bullied her. I had to step in and protect her almost on a daily basis. Whilst doing so she complained relentless about me and DD to her assigned golden child. After long enough time of this GC joined band with uNPDx and started bullying both me and DD. I am not sure if she ever have understood the dynamic and that what she does is wrong, or if she knows and do it to protect herself from becoming the scape goat.

Just remember, it was not your fault and I am sure you are very loveable - it was just your mum that could not love anyone.

[Starboard Song]

I'm not different to everyone around me. I'm equal and I'm reasonably good, but not perfect, I've made plenty mistakes and have regrets like everyone has... but I'm not special-bad. I was no different a child to the other children around me, in deserving to be treated humanely, and I am no different to the adults around me now in that I deserve to have a fulfilled life and deserve healing and to be able to function and trust people and make connections.

It's just wrecking my head trying to really learn that.

You just did one of the things I recommend: you've made a written list of things you know are true. Well done. Write down other things you know are NOT true. Then make a commitment to never grind your gears on these. You'll have plenty left to grind your gears on, but not on this.

I am so sorry -- and so thrilled -- that you are making these discoveries.

[Boat Babe]

Hi there. As you work through the terrible things that were done to you as an innocent child and as you process them as an adult can I firstly extend much compassion to you. No child should ever be treated like this and I am so angry on your behalf. May I suggest you learn a little about Mindful Self Compassion (google Germer and Neff). This simple yet effective practice is soothing and comforting when you are feeling bad.  It is a practice, so you need to do it everytime these feelings and FALSE NARRATIVES arise in order to re-regulate your emotions and realign your thinking (that you were never a hateful child and you are deserving of of love and respect).

You sound like you are in the eye of the storm right now, so keep posting and getting the kindness and validation that you badly need (that we all need).

[sambellscoup]

Did your brother treat you badly all the time, or was this his coping mechanism to avoid becoming a scape goat himself?

No my brother just loved beating me, pinching me, strangling me, generally bullying and being absolutely horrific towards me, and my parents blatantly let him do it in front of them. They would punish me for screaming. And if he was taunting and teasing and mocking, they would join in. I have permanent scars so over my inner thighs from how long and hard he pinched me every day at the table, right in front of my parents. My father turned around to pretend he couldn't see, and my mother smirked with glee and would tell me "He's not doing a bit to you!" while watching him do it. Pinching doesn't normally leave scars. This was not normal pinching. This was holding my skin in a vice-like grip so his fingers turned white, and holding on until his hand was too tired to continue.

The strangulation resulted in me eventually having to get speech therapy as an adult. My mother saw it but punished me for kicking the wall I was being strangled against so that I didn't pass out, or worse. It was literally the only noise I could make, and if I hadn't, who knows what would have happened to me that day.

My mother sexually, verbally, emotionally, and neglectfully abused me. The only positive thing I can say about her as a mother is that she didn't beat me herself, although she simply let my brother do it for her.

My father witnessed a good deal of this abuse and allowed it. He didn't witness the sexual abuse and simply refused to be involved enough to notice the neglect. He would automatically side with my mother is I tried to complain about her treatment of me.

[escapingman]

That sounds absolutely awful, my hearth goes out for you. I have witnessed how similar happened between my girls with the backing of their mum. God knows what would have happened had I not been around to protect my DD.

This must have been so frightening for you to live like that with not having a safe space at home. I really hope you are getting all help with healing that you can get.

Sending you lots of hugs.

[sambellscoup]

Thank you all for your kind, compassionate replies. This evening I had a rehearsal with my singing group and was reminded of what it's like to be treated as an equal human being, and that this is becoming my new normal. It's just once a week and I don't have other social outlets at the moment, so it might be something to look into increasing in my life. Exposure to healthy people.

I suspect that extensive time alone is a bit risky for me right now, since I get into these turbulent places in my mind, stuck trying to make sense of senseless abuse and neglect, and the memories haunting me as I try to occupy myself. By the time today's rehearsal was over, I felt pretty damn good. Calm, grounded, happy with myself and how I was treated in that situation, and optimistic about the idea that this is how people treat me now.

I don't need to analyse to death my parents' motives for treating me how they did. I don't need reasons and explanations. It's enough that they did terrible things, and they wouldn't own a single piece of it or attempt to make amends at all, and even used part of it against me. That was the final straw. They're toxic, simple as that, they won't deal with their issues, and I don't have to deal with them anymore. I'm just so used to focusing on them. I need to focus on, and seek more, interactions with other, healthier people.

I'm so glad I have this space to ramble through these thoughts and to get reaffirmations from you lovely people who are each on your own amazing journeys here ❤️

[hhaw]

sam:

It helped me to accept everyone is basically doing the best that they can.

Even the abusers...... just accepting that helped release them from MY expectations they'd change or manage to somehow do better, when in reality they're just too broken to every manage change.

In a way..... it's like accepting the parents one deserved never lived OR died.  Giving up hope is a kind of death and that's never easy, but it can free one up to heal and move on.

About the narrative you're "a special kind of bad."  That was a software program your parents installed in your little Nervous System and brain when you were vulnerable and couldn't protect yourself.  It DID help you survive your childhood, but now you're grown and new coping strategies would likely be more helpful, help you live a happier life and not just help you survive at any cost.  Survival brain doesn't care if you're miserable or happy.... survival/primitive brain ONLY cares about your survival, no matter what form it takes...... alive and miserable is as good as alive and miserable, unfortunately.

Becoming aware of the unconscious belief systems running in the background or our lives is how healing journeys take form and begin, IME.

Understanding how your coping strategies affect your life..... which requires some ability to create space an SEE what's running in the background of your life from a different point of view is helpful, IME.

If one continues to view everything through the eyes of a struggling child, living in survival mode, then higher frontal cortex brain function (reason/logic/creative problem solving capabilities) don't come on line to help primitive brain problem solve, process the old stuck trauma and file it in historic files where it would have gone, IF the brain wasn't shut down in fight or flight primitive brain. 

That you're noticing your thoughts and feelings is the beginning of your healing journey, sam.  If you want to feel better and mine more joy in your life.... you're set to do that, IME.

[notrightinthehead]

Sambellscoup, your decision to spend more time with healthier people is a good one!  It is so healing and refreshing to be with normal people. To be treated with respect and kindly. To behave as if you were one of them and eventually feel like that too. To connect with and be accepted by kind, healthy people. To develop supportive friendships. And your own healing will help you overcome your blind spots and your high tolerance for abuse. And you will not allow any kind of abuse back into your life. You felt good after the singing group. Let this "feeling good" be an indicator of who's company is beneficial for you.  You are on the right path!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

As I am trying to "rebuild" my life and connect with more people, I am being cautious so as to not accept any more PD's in my life - it can be a subconscious habit as their behaviors (overly general here) seem comfortable.

I have a very special friend, we have similar jobs, interests, etc...  She is an amazing person, balanced life, good people in her life, a positive mindset, easy to be with, skills, etc....   I use her to model for me what kind of people I want to be part of my world.   There's woman I see at work, she has lot of positive qualities, but many red flags.  I keep her at a distance and am very professional with her and maintain good boundaries.  I wouldn't have done this a few years ago.

Keep up the good work and continue to put yourself first.