uBpd Queen/Witch elderly mom overspends and lies nonstop

[olivegirl]

My uBpd/Npd elderly mother is very Queen: very demanding, only the best, haughty.  She always seems to get her way, making her very confident. 

She keeps telling me that she and my father's plan is to move with me!  I keep telling her nope, not happening.  I have said it for years!!!! 

They say it's my obligation.  And I did this to them bc I was born.  They will be showing up at my door with luggage and they don't even have money for a rental.

I learned to be frugal and conscientious with money all my life bc growing up with an old-school macho uNpd father who cannot keep up with his wife's material demands.  They'd have horrible fights about money. 

They decided to gang up and scapegoat me in my teens for being born and costing them money for room and food and how I owe them.  uBpd has fur, diamonds, they'd go out to restaurants 2-4 nights a week, big on the charity social circuit. uNpd bought a business without due diligence and lost massive amounts of money. 

Their motto in life is: "Gotta make a good impression; what would the neighbors say?"

So I knew my mother was a fibber but I really underestimated how much of a prolific liar she is!  The parents had been saying they were financially comfortable, thinking about buying a condo.  Yes, I was suspicious but they both emphatically say they are in a good spot when I would remind them to be fiscally responsible;  They are very secretive about their finances and accused me of counting my inheritance!  As if!

Well, my hunch was right.  Elderly parents have $0 savings.  My uBpd Queen 70 year old mother still works bc she has to.  They drive cars that are 20 years old.  So far they have had zero health problems, fortunately.

So turns out bc their sociopathy is next level, that their plan is to say "surprise!  We are moving in." 

My uBpd mother & unpd father are covert backstabbers.  They are very jealous of my financial discipline and make snide remarks to me.  Their jealousy is easily provoked;  They have smeared and denigrated me but deny it or feign ignorance or faux apology and has caused so much hurt and drama that my husband and I moved 1k away 5 years ago to put some space between us.  The constant chaos obviously sadistically makes them feel superior. 

I am so stressed out.  My parents have done some really shady stuff to relatives so estranged from everyone.   I realize this is how she gets her way: lies shamelessly and then puts on the charm. 

Clearly they schemed and had no intention of living on a budget.  My parents eyed my husband's and my now relaxed lifestyle and they want in!

They will ruin my marriage.  We moved to get away from them!  I'm getting panic attacks.  I suppose just go No Contact?  Will that make it worse bc I won't know what they are up to?

[NarcKiddo]

How useful NC in terms of the current threat would be depends on whether they know where you live and whether they are at all likely to follow up on their threat of turning up on your doorstep complete with luggage. That said, you do not have to let them in. And it's interesting that they have told you of this plan rather than just do it. Maybe they wouldn't actually do it but think that if they threaten it enough you might give in and say "OK, come then."?

It all sounds very stressful. But if you are ready and willing to go NC, would it matter what they are up to?

[moglow]

Olivegirl, that has nothing to do with you other than their thinking they deserve to be "taken care of." Their complete failure to plan beyond their wants of the moment is unfortunate but still. They've never learned basic life lessons, that providing your housing comes first for one thing.

So where are they living now? They're finding they can't go out to eat all the time and buy buy buy and still pay rent? So you [normal people] back off, reevaluate the incoming to your outgoings and see what can be cut. We do that all the time. Guarantee their social circle does it, unless they're so caught up in playing the game that they're also paying for friends as a means of hiding their own situation. We ALL make mistakes, misjudgments, incomplete thought processes that don't end well. But we pick up and dust off and rethink. What we don't do is demand that others take us in and support us in the manner we've basically stolen from them.

Here's my thought - don't discuss it with them if at all possible. Don't try and explain yourself, they're apparently not interested in being reasonable. She may be saying those things as feelers, to get a response. So don't. It's a non-issue for you, you and your husband have your own life and home, and you're planning and living your life. I know this sounds hard hearted, but why not? If they're seeing you as a fall back plan maybe they need to refocus on what THEY need to do for themselves. Tough love, as it were. I don't like the idea of them being homeless, but neither do I see you in a position to feed and house them until the end of their days.

[olivegirl]

Well, they have a huuuuuge McMansion with high property bills, high utility bills and it's on an acre so maintenance costs are high.  Currently my 76 year old father mows the grass in the 100 degree heat on a riding mower.  I have told them to sell but they retort "what would people say that we don't have the money to pay for landscapers and the electric bill?"  They paid off their mortgage finally by selling an investment property.  But they now have lost that income from renting their small building.

So they are house rich, cash poor.  I have implored them to downsize.  I really caught on to their schemes bc my parents reassured me that they were going to downsize bc I had been warning them that they could not move in with me.

But my parents are very manipulative and they let it slip that they have zero intention of moving out. 

And then my parents started really flattering me and talking about my obligation as their daughter to do the right thing and that they would hand over their social security to me as a favor for taking them in. 

I made it a point to be on an info diet and never discuss my finances so my parents have thus projected that I am in financial straits bc I do not brag about money.  So they sold to me as doing me a "favor" so I'd have them to "help me" to bring extra money in.

I have been NC for about a month.  Blocked email, phone. text.  My anxiety is through the roof though. 

When my parents remarked "Who is gonna be responsible for us?", my husband did blow up at them and set them straight that they are financially responsible for themselves!

I didn't mention this but my parents KNOW that we have a teenager daughter with profound autism and intellectual delay.  My caretaking is tapped as it is.  I cannot do more. 

[moglow]

they would hand over their social security to me as a favor for taking them in. 

That's not "a favor" and not NEARLY enough to buy the extra supersized house you'd need to provide some separation. They're truly not grasping they can sell their house and get something much smaller and more manageable?? Their preferred option is to chuck it all and move in with you? Screw what anyone thinks - I guarantee those other people don't freaking care where they live. "Handing over their checks" to you won't fix that, same situation different location. Those bills still have to be paid. You're simply not there to finance the obligations they took on. They have options just like you do, they need to reevaluate. YOU as a support for their chosen lifestyle is not one of those options. That's so incredibly presumptuous! We'll just hand over our checks [as if THAT would even happen in reality] and all is good. NOPE.

Here's food for thought: You don't "owe" parents for having had and raising you. You don't. They chose to have child[ren] and as the parents accepted the responsibility of raising said child[ren] to adulthood. That's how that works. It's not a quid pro quo "I did this for you so you owe me..." for either side. We don't wish ill on anyone but neither should we wish same on ourselves, ya know? Their stuff is not yours to fix, and I'm honestly kind of glad you've found the wherewithal to block those demands.

[moglow]

Another thing that comes to brain - if you're no contact with them, it's not just about their expectations that you support them. I'm going out on a limb here and guessing by the queen/witch designation that there's a whole lot of intrusive nasty that you haven't shared with us yet. You don't have to, just know that we get it's a journey that got you to this point. We're here with you.

[Cat of the Canals]

They say it's my obligation.  And I did this to them bc I was born. 

YOU did this because YOU were born... hmmm, seems mom and dad need a refresher on how babies are made, because you, my dear, had NOTHING to do with it. That's why it's so entirely ass-backwards to ever make a child feel obligated for existing. WE HAD NO CHOICE! Every choice in the matter was THEIRS. THEY chose to get together. THEY chose to have sex. THEY chose to bring a child into this world. All of the obligation and responsibility is on them. Period.

Stick with your boundaries: No, you're not moving in. No, I will not give info about my finances. They can fantasize about it all they want, doesn't mean it's going to happen.

Also, from what it sounds like, they aren't planning on trying to barge in anytime soon... they're too busy right now with keeping up appearances, right? If they are anything like my parents, they won't actually DO anything until something unfortunate happens, and in that case, the choice will likely be out of their hands, because it will probably mean they need the kind of care you can't offer anyway.

I would suggest backing away from giving them advice about selling their house/downsizing/etc. unless it is explicitly asked for. The first reason is that they seem disinterested in your advice, so it's ultimately pointless. The bigger reason is that you showing concern might be the very thing opening the door to make them think they can badger you into caring for them as they age. As long as they are competent adults (legally, speaking), they have a right and a responsibility to take care of themselves and make their own choices. When that competence fades, it won't be up to them anyway. 

[lkdrymom]

I'd start by going no contact. Would it be possible for you to actually move and not give out your new address?  Get a PO Box if needed.  How far away do they live from you now?   Is there some cultural background that makes them think you owe them a life?  Personally, if they keep pressing have your husband deal with it.  He doesn't seem to have an issue standing up to them and they might listen more to a "man".

[FromTheSwamp]

They can expect whatever they want.  It doesn't mean you have to give it to them.  If they literally show up on your doorstep with suitcases, slam the door in their faces. 

Aging is hard, and it's much harder with PDs involved.  But they are adults, capable of making adult decisions.  When their money runs out, they can sell the giant house.  When that money runs out, if they aren't capable of taking care of themselves, they can move into housing for elderly people with no money - it won't be pretty, but that's what their choices can lead to.  It's not on you to fix it. 

If they are living in an unsafe environment when their health fails, if you are still in contact you call Adult Protective Services (or equivalent if you're not in the US).

In the meantime, you can absolutely stop taking their calls if they are stressing you out. 

[p123]

Thats just mad thinking they have a right to move in with you.. Crazy crazy.

Sell the damn house if you've got no money aint it? Jeez. Not your problem at all.

I've got a teenage son on the spectrum as well. Had a tough few years. Did Dad care? Nope not at all. He even once said, "you know what, are you sure its not just bad behaviour? In my day, there was no such thing." Nearly exploded.......

Although to be fair this is to be expected from a man who thinks being gay is "perverted", gay people shouldn't be allowed to look after kids or be teachers etc. Why? Because it says so in the Bible apparently.

[Pepin]

You don't owe them anything, especially a roof over their heads if they show up with a moving truck.  There is no signed contract anywhere that would force you into living with them.

In fact, they can grow up and meet with a finical advisor to help them navigate the next part of their lives.  That ss check can go towards their own downsized home or AL.  It isn't your job to do any of this for them and using emotional blackmail against you is not going to get you to cave in.

As others have mentioned, I'd turn down that contact to even less with them and possibly go no contact if they continue to act up.  I am so sorry you are dealing with this...reading what you wrote feels incredibly painful and unfair to you.  Personally, I am tired of the older generation and their excuses.

[olivegirl]

I have been No Contact for 2 months.

What really hurts is they knew their grandchild has profound needs and therapy is so expensive.  And that I am unable to work outside of the home but we make it work bc we budget.

So my aging parents made no plans to save for retirement nor downsize and kept lying to me about their finances so that I would stop alerting them to be responsible.

They intentionally lied bc they wanted to do "oops! We don't know what happened?  Guess we will have to live with you."

What kind of parents go out of their way to spend, spend, spend and keep up with the Jonses and then blame their adult daughter for being born and decide we will just guilt her into taking us in?

[FromTheSwamp]

My parents see their children as tools to be used.  They see everyone that way.  They did not have children for the joy of raising us and watching us growing into our own independent lives.  We were meant to give them attention, and take care of them as soon as we were barely able to do so.  We weren't their backup plans for elder care, either - we were always an integral part of it, in their minds.  What else were we good for?  Obviously, they didn't need to talk to us about these plans, because our thoughts, feelings, and needs were never important.

Yeah, it's messed up.  But the world has all too many of these kinds of people in it.  They are takers.

[olivegirl]

Yes, I have definitely committed to being NC. 

I realize I have been parentified all my life and they have also trained me to be terrified of them bc they have done some very malicious things to me.

I kept forgiving them bc I wanted to believe and hope they were sorry and that I could convince them that I am worthy of their love.

I also stayed in touch with them and tolerated so much bc I didn't want to lose my entire extended family.  Going NC means I'll be smeared to the point of no return.  And that is hard.

But I have decided that if I don't do NC that it will be the demise of my marriage and my sanity bc my parents demand that I am most loyal to them.  My parents have even had the audacity to put me down to my husband that I am not showing enough "respect" to them and that I do not deserve my husband.

So far it's been only 6 weeks and they have not called at all!   Complete silence!!  I know this is intended to cause panic but it might be easier going NC than I thought!!

[Boat Babe]

Good for you Olivegirl   It may be that they totally discard you after this but I doubt it. They are going to miss their "supply" after a while and may come back in one of two ways: rageing or lovebombing. Have plans in place for either attack, strengthen your boundaries and walk forward head held high into this new phase of your life, free from external abuse and internal FOG.  Sending hugs.

[NarcKiddo]

So far it's been only 6 weeks and they have not called at all!   Complete silence!!  I know this is intended to cause panic but it might be easier going NC than I thought!!

Excellent. They probably think you are climbing the walls with anxiety at their silence. I sincerely hope you aren't (it doesn't sound like it). It's quite amusing to think that they are likely congratulating themselves on causing you all this stress with their silence, little knowing that is possibly the best possible outcome for you (bar an earnest and genuine apology).

[olivegirl]

I have been enjoying going NC on them bc I realized their negativity, their hatred of everyone was bringing me down.

That said, the idea of seeing my parents at an upcoming family wedding gives me anxiety.

First, because their words are so cruel and it triggers me greatly.  We are talking Bpd mom has really showing up as Witch lately.

Second, she and my Npd father have taken great delight in giving me dirty looks in front of others and accusing me of being a fake person to relatives.

I so want to attend the wedding of this relative but I cannot bear to sit at the table with my parents.

I don't want to isolate myself from my entire family but I am needing to stay strong as I had cancer a few years ago.