Survivor in contact with NPD spouse and mom

[Jake Bear]

Hi my name is Jake, I'm in my thirties and I recently discovered that my wife was a narcissist after trying to find out what was wrong with her (NPD rage), which also lead to the discovery that my mother as well, is a narcissist.

I'm a highly sensitve person and an empath. I have over complince, nerveous fidgeting and facial fidgeting as a result of the abuse, but am highly successful otherwise (although the emotional toll is servere due to the on going abuse).

I met my wife seven years ago and noticed that durring a fight or a tense exchange, she would, what appeared to me, to break down and move away from reality.. she would just not seem to be there and I couldn't reach through to her. I read a lot and just happened to stumple upon writing on NPD rage and reading through it, it matched what was happening to her.

After more reading on NPD, my wife fit the bill to a T and later I came to the realization that my mother as well was a narcissist (I had assumed a personality disorder of some kind but I'm not well versed and thought that she was a sociopath due to the lack of empathy).

I have a comfortable life financially and lots of free time so I'm now focused on recovery in this area of my life. Should I leave my wife? I'm hoping you guys will help. I'm looking to meet friends here.

I'm unable to completley cut off my mother due to work things and don't know what to do with my wife... I love her but she can't change and every second with her is a struggle to stop her behaving abusivly towards myself and others.

I was gaslit until my early thirties but am now in the know—I no longer cling to the hope that they can be saved (or that it's my fault) even though this is a terrible thing to come to realize.

I want  your support here, I have no friends so this is something I need from you and will return the offer to support you as well.

Jake Bear your future friend (fake name but close)

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this informative and supportive space. You are not alone.  I am sorry you have to deal with two people suffering with PD in your life. At least now you know what you are dealing with. I urge you to study the Toolbox for strategies when you have to deal with the PDs in your life. Have you read the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist  by Fjelstad? I found this book very helpful.
I am glad you found us. See you around on the boards.

[xredshoesx]

some folks here have stayed bc of life (kids, knowing they go into divorce proceedings with an unequal hand).  when i finally had IT with my ex i evicted him, but we also did not have the legal contract of marriage and did not live in a state that recognizes domestic partnerships/ common law marriage either.

my best advice for you on leaving is talk to a laywer and see what the options are.  there are of course both actual and emotional costs to consider-  i know when my biological mother (undiagnosed) left my dad she ended up the 'winner' even though she was the deserting party in the marriage because of her ability to manipulate. 

the separating/ divorcing board may be a good place to start reading and seeing how others handled the process- 

on a side note my childhood was like TRAINING for me to end up with a uPD/PD partner.  I came here about two years after things ended with the ex, but working on how my childhood prepped me to be a doormat/ codependent CHANGED MY LIFE.  i hope the support can do something similar for you- it's so freeing when you can break those trauma bonds to your past.

[I-Remember]

Hi Jake Bear,
I can appreciate your situation. I don't have many friends either and I too have an N mother and had an N husband (now my X). It's funny, I did not realize my Mom was narcisisstic and wondered why I had attracted my obviously NPD spouse. Through a series of slow revelations, I finally realized it was my mother and perhaps that was the reason I felt attracted to the N romantic relationship. The pattern had been established early in life--the "push/pull" dynamic, the anxious avoidant attachment style, the distancing and discounting of my feelings, etc. That's great you are very successful otherwise! One more thing, I am an empath too. I wonder if there is a connection there.

As far as whether you should leave, how bad has it gotten with your wife? What is the level of abuse? Take care.

[Jake Bear]

Have you read the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist  by Fjelstad?

No I haven't I'll give that a shot and will look into the toolbox you mentioned.

Thanks for replying friend!

....

Hi Redshoes. Thanks for talking.

I live in a foreign country and the laws are skewed to protect me in case of a divorce, no worries there. If I left her she would have nothing and be unable to support herself, which is a part of my considerings to not leaving her. I have another person in my life already and she's aware of the situation I'm in and why I'm going forward that way too. I would be lost without her... but yeah I'm stuck on trying not to love my wife so I can move on but everytime I leave (or she leaves) the emotions are there and not going, even though logically the relationship is past and I'm wanting 2 move on to my new... thing... relationship? IDK it's early...!

[Jake Bear]

Hi Jake Bear,
I can appreciate your situation. I don't have many friends either and I too have an N mother and had an N husband (now my X).

It's too much aren't they? I think theres a reason why our parents and partners turned put the same.

funny, I did not realize my Mom was narcisisstic and wondered why I had attracted my obviously NPD spouse. Through a series of slow revelations, I finally realized it was my mother and perhaps that was the reason I felt attracted to the N romantic relationship. The pattern had been established early in life--the "push/pull" dynamic, the anxious avoidant attachment style, the distancing and discounting of my feelings, etc.

Exactly



thank you everyone for the warm welcomings! I really needed that and feel better..ciao!