How much longer?

losingmyself · September 13, 2022, 08:11:13 AM

I realized the other day how long my H has been 'threatening' to move out. It's been a long time, like years. I feel like I just need to get stronger, but I can feel myself getting there, along with overwhelming dread and fear. I had a candid talk with DD yesterday, and she was asking me things like what am I going to do about the house, and things that I have always just daydreamed about. It was almost too real, and it caused me anxiety.
My sister who I opened up to will be visiting next month. I am both excited, and frightened.
I am frightened beyond belief. I have spent so many years just burying my head in the sand, I don't even know where to start.

bat123 · September 13, 2022, 01:54:24 PM

Hi, Losing! I can relate. I, too, have been getting stronger, and I've opened up to my own sister after years of pretending my life was okay. And my anxiety has been off the charts! The closer I get to deciding to leave, it's like my body and mind are fighting me. I know that the right choice is to leave this craziness, but it's so hard to envision myself really pulling the trigger. My spouse scheduled a session with a mediator for next week, I think to "prove" to me that he's in control of what feels like an unraveling marriage. But now he's suddenly trying to characterize the meeting as just "informational," and pressuring me to tell him my goals for the meeting. He says he wants us to be on the "same page." I know I should jump on the opportunity to start negotiating a divorce! But it would be all too easy for me to take a passive role and not push this forward aggressively like I should. I find myself alternately fantasizing about leaving, and then completely rejecting the idea of it.

losingmyself · September 13, 2022, 03:16:36 PM

Bat, it sounds like we are in the same place. It's comforting to know.
I know it would be easier to just keep on pretending like I'm ok, but I'm not, and I'm not getting any younger

PlantFlowersNotWeeds · September 13, 2022, 07:36:13 PM

Well, you've already started

You are Out of the FOG and learning.

My suggestion - baby steps. What would be a small step forward - or a small step that says YES to yourself.

I think for me it was just researching where I wanted to live, then I made some appointments to talk to different lawyers. All baby steps - nothing hard or required some big decision. I also took time for myself to feel better - therapy, golf, exercise...

You got this - whatever it is

feralcat · September 14, 2022, 05:07:07 AM

bat123 PLEASE don't tell him what you're going to say. He'll only turn it around and use the information against you. Don't let him weaken your position, or your determination. Especially in front of a mediator. Plus it will look as though the two of you communicate better than you do. The " look, were on the same page" type of BS.

bat123 · September 14, 2022, 09:44:35 AM

Feralcat, I know you are right. For years I've been conditioned to believe that having my own view or my own agenda is selfish or wrong. He loves to criticize me by telling me I'm "sneaky" and that I'm the kind of person who looks out for my own interests. He's petrified that I'll go to a lawyer on my own, so he's trying to keep everything with a mediator. I like the idea of a cheaper divorce via mediation, but I would really need to stay strong and advocate for myself throughout the process.

escapingman · September 14, 2022, 09:57:10 AM

Quote from: bat123 on September 14, 2022, 09:44:35 AM
Feralcat, I know you are right. For years I've been conditioned to believe that having my own view or my own agenda is selfish or wrong. He loves to criticize me by telling me I'm "sneaky" and that I'm the kind of person who looks out for my own interests. He's petrified that I'll go to a lawyer on my own, so he's trying to keep everything with a mediator. I like the idea of a cheaper divorce via mediation, but I would really need to stay strong and advocate for myself throughout the process.

Are you really that strong so you can stand up to his demands? Will it actually be cheaper by doing a cheap divorce, with him most likely railroading you into accepting anything to just get it done in the end? I know I would never had a chance with my STBX without a third party doing all my communication with her and her solicitor. I could only really start moving on with reality when she was physically out of my space and no contact was forced upon us through laws. Also bare in mind that as soon as the proceedings he will most likely ramp up his abuse, or love bomb you to abandon the thoughts of divorce.

Good luck!

bat123 · September 14, 2022, 12:56:53 PM

Escapingman, lots of lovebombing happening! But the cycle is so ridiculously quick. He is abusive and lashes out, then moments later wants to plan a weekend getaway. When I say I don't think it's a good time to plan a getaway because we are about to start mediation, he tells me I'm being "childish." (To which I think: "oh god, is he right?")

escapingman · September 14, 2022, 01:51:21 PM

I remember how quick the cycles were towards the end, shifting from happy to angry to crying to angry to happy to crying often several times a day.

Stay strong.

bat123 · September 14, 2022, 03:59:58 PM

Thank you, user! Your support, and everyone's including also escapingman, means so much. I'm an anxious wreck. Following my own agenda in the face of his anger, accusations, and guilt-tripping is terrible. I'm in individual therapy and it's helping me sort out these feelings. I told my therapist today I feel like I just need to get out of this house as a priority, in order for me to heal and get stronger. All I can do at the moment is just breathe. It took me 30 years to get to this point, I guess I have to be patient with myself. Change is scary. I hope you're doing okay, user!