Feeling scared in a marriage

[harsha_nails]

Hello,

We have been married for 6 years and we have known each other for more than 12 years.  We were in a long distance relationship for 3 years (different countries) and she came back after 3 years to marry me. The lead up to the wedding wasn't smooth because my parents opposed the marriage, because of various reasons. In any case, the first year of marriage was rough. Because we had never lived with each other and there was resentment from her side that she came back from a better place (US) to here (India) for me.
I did not at any point ask or force her to come back at that time, she made the choice on her own (and at that time she said it wasn't just for me but she was coming back to care for her ageing parents too)
After the first year, we found the connection again and I really do love her. But we have always had these occasional fights where she shows disproportionate anger. Throwing things, calling me names, calling my parents names. Some nasty stuff. There have been a couple of instances of spitting at me. I have pointed out that this is unacceptable but I still end up letting it go. And every fight pretty much is because I triggered it by causing the hurt. I have come to know after the marriage that she is a HSP (Highly sensitive person) I don't believe she has gone to a therapist but she has read extensively online and I can concur that she is extremely sensitive to others' feelings/body language. She can sense my body language in a public setting that if I am sulking or zoned out or not paying attention she notices it immediately and trigger hurt in her and another fight ensues.

But it has been manageable since overall we have had some nice moments and I really do believe she is an empathetic and loving person. Just not to me when she is hurt (for trivial things)
A year ago we had a child. We both love him very much. But it has been very stressful and has shone the light on all the cracks in our marriage.

The latest one involved self harm where she hit herself, and also hit me in the process while our child was asleep. When I brought it up she said, I didn't hit you, I pushed you. She asked if "I hit to hurt you?" or "Show me the mark/bruise".  It happened because I walked away when things were escalating, and when she started hitting herself, I said  "I'll call your dad" (Because I was really worried for her when she was hitting herself)

I know she has had issues in her childhood - When I bring up therapy she becomes very defensive. She claims she has made all the sacrifices in this relationship - and asks what have you done?

I don't know what to do because I want to save this marriage and be there for our child as a family! I am hurt and confused and sad.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

If you haven't, check out the Toolbox, to do some reading on personality disorders. If you believe this may be what you are dealing with, you've found the right place.

It sounds like your wife has self-awareness: she isn't unaware of her sensitivity, though talking about it may bring its own pains. That gives you space to work: maybe with a counsellor, maybe even just a trusted spiritual advisor.

The physicality of this anger is rightly worrisome. I hope others here can provide some insights from their own experiences.

[Starboard Song]

Nails,

do go read about Boundaries. At their best, boundaries define what we will or won't do, or engage with. They don't control others: they are our own to enforce for ourselves. And at their best, they can be enforced without resorting to nuclear options.

They are also incredibly hard with a persistent antagonist in the same house. This takes emotional and moral strength.

Be good. Be strong.

[harsha_nails]

Thanks for the support and the links

I am interested in the boundaries aspect of it.

I have set a boundary for myself that when she gets really upset during an argument (I can sense it) to walk out of the house or remove myself from the room.
This latest hitting incident happened because she claims "I walked away, didn't let her finish. I walked away thinking I have a high moral ground". She says she was wrong but I feel that in her head it is somehow justified.
Boundaries with consequences is what the resource suggested. How can I communicate this with her? Can the consequence be that I go talk to someone else in the family?
I am afraid she will do something to herself and we have a child

PS: Should I continue posting in this thread? Or move over to the spouse related forums?

[Starboard Song]

Boundaries with consequences is what the resource suggested. How can I communicate this with her? Can the consequence be that I go talk to someone else in the family?
I am afraid she will do something to herself and we have a child

PS: Should I continue posting in this thread? Or move over to the spouse related forums?

Welcome Mat posts often turn into discussions, and that's fine. But when you are ready to start any new topic, you'll want to do that in one of the topical boards, like Chosen Relationships or Committed to Working On It.

The questions you posed above would be an ideal way to start a new topic over there. But while we are here, I always worry about the phrase "with consequences." It sounds too much to me like punishment. I would rather just say "boundaries that matter." If your boundary is that you will not engage with an extended criticism of someone you know, it is no boundary at all if you just get really quiet and sit and nod, rather than participate: that is letting the other person still drag you into their negativity. Better would be that you end that conversation and politely leave. It isn't so much a "consequence" for the other person to endure, it is only the active response that you will take to ensure protection of your boundary.

I personally recommend not announcing any boundary in advance. But the next time any person gets nasty, abusive or violent, you calmly say something like "I understand you are very upset, and I regret that you are so upset. But I do not allow people to mistreat me, and I won't be [spit on, pushed, insulted...whatever]. So I am going to leave now. Don't worry. I love you and I'll be back, but I need to be somewhere else while you are acting in this way."

Now, I actually talk like that. I sound like a professor. People need to find a way to express themselves in their own natural voice. But you can see the components I am encouraging: empathy, a firm statement of your boundary, an explanation of what is about to happen, and encouragement that you still respect/love them. People who bring us to this forum often spend a lot of time feeling hated, scorned, and misunderstood. If we are committed to working on it, a large serving of empathy is important, and a minimum of fiery temper.

I wish you so much strength, and look forward to seeing you on the boards.

[harsha_nails]

Thank you, that makes me feel a bit better. I will try to practise this method.
Sometimes it gets complicated when she is in a hyper angry state and our child is around, and I feel that I can't just leave because I am worried for him. It has happened a couple of times when our child was very young and he didn't grasp what was happening.
I worry that it could happen when he is older and I would have to make a choice to leave him with her. I believe she wouldn't hurt him but I am still scared about that situation.

[Healingslowly]

I'm really sorry to hear your story. My spouse sounds very similar to yours, including being HSP. My spouse seems very empathetic to others but I think what I have noticed over time is that it's actually projection. I noticed this because she would often be very concerned about our young daughters condition, whether it's where she sleeps (she doesn't like cribs because of a childhood memory she discovered in therapy where she was alone crying in a crib and thinks of them as jails), if she's too cold/hot, etc.
But sometimes I noticed that my daughter really wasn't too hot, or bothered by certain conditions in her environment, and I was very sure to check things like the temperature of her hands, feet, etc. Sometimes my spouse would even make our daughter too hot and she was sweating because my spouse hates being cold and would over dress our daughter.
I did see in a video that often covert narcissists can be mistaken as being HSP... but I don't have good information or resources to back up that comment... it was just something I had heard that caught my attention.

[harsha_nails]

Do you have the option to take the child with you? Why do you have to leave him with her? I realize this will make her even more upset, but the child is just as much yours as it is hers, so it seems it would be within your rights as a parent to leave the house with the child if you wanted to.

Maybe something as simple as, "we're going to go out for ice cream, we'll be back later when you've calmed down."

I believe it will make her further upset.

[harsha_nails]

I'm really sorry to hear your story. My spouse sounds very similar to yours, including being HSP. My spouse seems very empathetic to others but I think what I have noticed over time is that it's actually projection.

Yes I think so. Right now her disposition is that I need to work on my defensiveness. So the cycle goes -  I do something which causes her to get upset.  She criticises or gives me the silent treatment and the moment I say even a word defending my actions (like in an argument), it escalates to anger. Disproportionate anger. I almost always apologize if I feel I have done something wrong (like after a few hours of reflection) but in the moment, isn't it human nature to defend oneself?
I didn't have any childhood traumas, I had a normal upbringing. Yes, my parents can be narcissistic at times, and do have some ego, they raised me with all the love and affection they could. But my wife makes me feel like I am the narcissist or with defensive behaviour.

I just feel that if we/she spoke to a third party, may be she can realise some of these things but I don't know how to get there

[harsha_nails]

Thank you for the inputs!