Divorcing PD wife when children in the family- experience sought

[Sadhubby]

Hi all, I don't really belong here because I still hope to be able to work things out with my wife, but I need to prepare for all eventualities.

We recently had a child, and my wife's behaviour has spiralled out of control ever since. It's become daily verbal and sometimes physical abuse, in front of the baby, and I'm not sure it will be feasible to keep this going.

I'm very scared that my wife is very likely to get custody of our son. Firstly, I believe she will use this custody to maxumally hurt me in the first years of my son's life. Secondly, I'm scared for my son, how he will develop under her care, and that my wife's rage will turn on him once he develops his own personality and desire for independence. PD children often have PD parents, after all.

If I'm being honest, if I believed I were to get custody, I'm not sure I'd be trying to work things out at this stage but laying down an exit strategy or an ultimatum for my wife to seek long term help. Unfortunately I'm not sure I will get custody because my wife has a steady and highly respected profession, does not abuse substances, and I'm not sure I can prove the abuse is sufficiently severe.

Does anyone here have any experience of this scenario?

[Bunnyme]

Did you suspect PD before the baby?  How long ago was the baby born?  Just trying to rule out post partum issues, including post partum psychosis.   
I totally hear you on the custody issue.  I stayed a while because I was worried he would get custody...and thinking I could somehow protect them while I'm here with him.  It was making me miserable, and it was making me not be my best self for my kids.  I ultimately decided...do I want my son to think this is how he should treat his spouse?  Is this how my daughter should expect to be treated? 
I think you need to speak to an attorney.  Many give free consults.  They can advise as to what your chances are for custody.  It doesnt mean that you have to file

[Sadhubby]

Hi thanks for your answer.

Staying to protect our son is exactly how I feel about this. I read that joint custody is the most typical outcome, but again I'm not sure with a child so small...

I asked my psychologist (who I'm seeing to try to cope with the abuse) for a legal contact, hopefully they will be able to help.

I started reading about PD some months after the baby was born. The bahviour has been there since we met, but the birth of the baby has blown it up. I never suspected PD, I thought maybe anger issues or just genuinely believed what she was saying. It was sufficiently infrequent to tolerate. The GP suspected postpartum without knowing about the abuse, but TBH, retrospectively, this has always been going on.

[notrightinthehead]

You might want to consider recording the abuse.  Time, date, exact description, and preceding event. Just the facts. If there is physical abuse take a picture or have a doctor look at it and document it.  If there is abuse of your child also document it precisely.

Even if you never use this because you decide to stay, it will help you to have records of what happened.

[Sadhubby]

I am documenting events, but have not been completely thorough. I will log past event. I will change this immediately.

Thankfully there has been no abuse aimed at our son directly. My wife loves our son unconditionally, but I don't believe she registers her behaviour as inappropriate or violent, rather fully justified in her world view. The shouting and verbal abuse in the house is well known to have a severe impact on children. She doesn't connect to that at all, even if she has a panic attackeach time he gets a temperature or loses his appetite. Some of the medical treatment has been highly questionable but I I am also responsible for that going ahead. I at least managed to make sure it was always supervised by a medical professional or safe for infants - in fact it was interfering with her plans on this that triggered her to become so aggressive, see me as her enemy, and believe that I don't care about our child.

[Boat Babe]

Sounds like a case of Munchausen's by proxy. Please talk to your family doctor.
All the best.

[Penny Lane]

I highly recommend meeting with a divorce attorney to learn your options. A meeting with a lawyer does not obligate you to move forward in a divorce. It does help you arm yourself with information about what you could expect if you did move forward.

The reality is that nowadays you would be very likely to share significant amounts of parenting time. A lawyer could tell you what's most likely in your jurisdiction, if you are likely to be successful in pursuing abuse allegations, and what kinds of documentation would be helpful. However, at the end of the day, your wife is always going to be his mother and is always going to have some rights to see him.

That doesn't mean you can't do anything though. As your son grows, you can help him learn the emotional coping skills (and, if you do go forward with divorce, the practical life skills) that will help her survive and thrive despite her mother. You can do that whether or not you're with her mother. In fact I would say it's paramount that you do this whether or not you are with his mother. It will be your job to teach him the emotional skills so that he 1. doesn't repeat her bad behavior and 2. doesn't come to accept her bad behavior as normal, thus allowing other people to treat him like that as an adult.

Two books that might help you understand the divorce process specifically with PDs: Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger and the High Conflict Custody Battle by Amy Baker, Michael Bone and Brian Ludmer.

Like I said, I really think you need to get clear about your options and at least have an escape strategy. Your wife is not directing these behaviors at your child now, but as he grows older and differentiates himself from her, he will likely be on the receiving end of the abuse. Whatever you decide to do now there might be a point where you have to go.

I know this isn't easy. You are a good person trying to do the best for your son. Remember that you don't have a lot of great options here, and your wife's bad behavior is not your fault. Good luck.

[MT]

IME my first born D wasn't a "girlie girl" and was a target by my wife. She has grown up with me as primary care giver and mom was financial giver. Her and I always got the brunt of my STBXW rage, but I would mostly step in and redirect it to me. My D is almost 21 and in therapy, still trying to work through the final discard of me (not sure if Borderlines actually discard or just split) by cheating and lying and spending  Copious amounts of money. I thought we would be the "ones that beat the odds and make it".  We didnt beat the odds, and now the 3 of us, (S included "golden child") are in therapy trying to undo years of abusive behavior. Best of luck to you, you are the only one that can make the choice to stay or go. BTW I have 6 autoimmune disorders and my phyc thinks there "could" be a connection between the years of stress from abuse and my disorders. It does take a toll on your body. This is a safe place full of knowledge, my advice is to read the stories, make your decisions, and move forward with the best knowledge available. Hang in there.

[Free2Bme]

Sadhubby,

The volatility of your situation is dangerous for all concerned.  If laws in your area permit, I would video her episodes without her knowledge and archive somewhere safe.  I'm not one to advocate surveilling another, but this is not a normal circumstance, and your child's well-being is at stake. 

So, my thoughts (IME) would be document, document, document.  Don't overstate or minimize it, be as accurate/truthful as possible. If she has postpartum depression, gets help and improves, then you won't need it, but if it escalates you must be prepared to protect your son and yourself.  I understand that sometimes they will mandate supervised visitations. 

Sadly, as much as PD's are so concerned with image, non-PD spouses have to be concerned with how we project our image (different motives).  This would be a good time to examine your lifestyle, make sure you are living above reproach in all matters.  Present yourself as stable, concerned, and competent partner/father.  The motive being not to give any reason for a court to frown upon your character. 

All the best as you navigate this situation.

[hhaw]

Nanny cam, for sure.  Even if you can't use it in court you can show attorneys, police and Therapist the reality and danger for you and your sin.

Document, document, document.  Keep it secret.

When your wife makes false allegations, guess who can't prove her case?  She can't.

Guess who can....you can.

My brother video taped his wife screaming......using her phone to try and break windows outside his home.....going from window to window....it was terrifying to watch and she was very quiet when he asked her who was watching their children.  She got very still for a moment, then went back to explosive anger behavior.

No one knows who to believe....unless you document.

Good luck,

[Sadhubby]

This is terrifying... how could she leave her children unattended?? She puts thinks ndph in horrible position have to think about evidence and video her while knowing kids are at risk. Maybe she thinks he will drop everything and rush out to engage with her precisely because of this shocking negligence combined with the harassment, of course this won't make any difference to the kids...

I'm  beginning to get a taste of what getting through this will be like, I'm scared...