Leaving

[Jake Bear]

After reading all of the resources and material I have a grim photo of what's happening next in our relationship. I want children badly and I want to be with someone who has empathy! So; I'm leaving her. I'm stuck here in this foreign country for the next five years... I'm willing to wait that long with her as this has helped me to develop myself, confronting it all.

Should I tell her I'm going to leave? I'm hoping that having her feet to the flame will make her willing to change her stance.

[Jake Bear]

Yeah it did not go well. I was hoping to strong arm her. Didn't work so I broke up and like everyother time she flipped out but I stayed firm and she's out? Will keep you posted

[moglow]

I want children badly and I want to be with someone who has empathy! So; I'm leaving her. ...
Should I tell her I'm going to leave? I'm hoping that having her feet to the flame will make her willing to change her stance.

This is kind of a lot to unpack, so bear with me here. You were hoping to "strong arm her" and "hold her feet to the flame" to do ... what, exactly? Ultimatums and manipulation rarely work well long term. You're waiting five years for her to agree with you?

Consider having a family with your wife, as she is right this minute, because she is the one who would be that mother. Picture your children being the object of her disappointment, frustration, anger - what they would grow up in. I'm just going to say it, from a child who grew up with a resentful angry mother: That dream of empathy and mother instinct may be just that. A dream that never finds reality on any conceivable level. Know that who she is with you will likely translate to the same for your children. Vulnerable, innocent, trusting, dependent beings who have no choice and can't leave when it goes too far and she's violently blisteringly angry. I'm assuming you've seen for yourself what that can be like, probably many times or you wouldn't be here now.