Narcs don’t seem to understand choice

[sunshine702]

Narcs honestly don't seem to comprehend This person likes X and That Person like Y.

I see this in my Narc mom.  But mom they don't like oak wood.  SG's girlfriend likes darker cherry woods.  Personal preference ya know.

Her choice is always best .  The correct one.  They only get one coffee table ever and oak is best.

Me - yeah mom I like oak too but some people like cherry.  I wouldn't do it but if they like it.

This literally escapes her.

[NarcKiddo]

Yes. My uNPD mother can understand on an academic level that choice exists and that people may choose things she would not, but she is very prone to criticise any choices that she would not personally have made.

[Cat of the Canals]

One of my PDmom's favorite phrases. "You LIKE that?????"

She absolutely loathes 99% of her neighbors, and I'm certain it's because they are an everyday reminder that other people are allowed to make choices for themselves and their homes regardless of her approval. And really she approves of very little, so that just drives her up the wall.

[moglow]

I remember way back in the way back mother kept trying to give me random clothes and household items in peach. Just FYI- I'm not a peach girl. It makes me look like death on a biscuit, for her it was a good color. "But you luuuurve peaches!!" The fruit, absolutely - could eat my weight in peach pie, cobbler, preserves, jam etc. But the color peach? No, not at all. And she kept trying to give me stuff ...

[Associate of Daniel]

I agree.  But I think it also is explained by their extreme sensitivity.

Any alternative opinion/preference/understanding to theirs, they take as someone criticising them. 

It then often become a case of narcissistic injury.

AOD

[Empie2204]

The way I see this phenomenon is that narcs understand choice as some faraway (exotic ???) concept that does not apply to them.

[sunshine702]

I think I have figured out something.  My Narc mom would always hem and haw endless over her work trips to NYC and if she should meet with sister M.  She always keeps her house too cold and last time all she gave us was tuna sandwiches.   I stupidly tried to problem solve.  Well do you want to see M?  Thinking it was straightforward.  It never was it was about triangulation complaining.  Or a hey I am hungry can we go to the Applebees.   

[Boat Babe]

I remember way back in the way back mother kept trying to give me random clothes and household items in peach. Just FYI- I'm not a peach girl. It makes me look like death on a biscuit, for her it was a good color. "But you luuuurve peaches!!" The fruit, absolutely - could eat my weight in peach pie, cobbler, preserves, jam etc. But the color peach? No, not at all. And she kept trying to give me stuff ...

Death on a biscuit 😂😂😂

[Andeza]

That death on a biscuit got me too! 

uBPDm also seemed to have this problem. When I individuated I started getting accusatory "You've changed," said in an almost disgusted tone, just for having a different opinion about something. Or in some cases informing her she was wrong, because I was pretty straightforward about that whenever it was the case.

uPDMIL lives in an HOA so all her neighbors have to abide by certain rules and can't do certain stuff, and any time one of them pushes right up to the edge of what's allowed she complains about it. She complained once that her neighbors had painted their house a color that wasn't allowed. I mean, sure if you're going to live in an HOA you should abide by the rules, but if one of my neighbors isn't hurting anything I wouldn't be the one jumping up and down pointing and yelling "LOOK!" Like a child that sees something naughty.

I believe these both come down to them not liking people making choices different to theirs. MIL also had a long, drawn out crying fit when we moved away. She thought we should by a half-million dollar house and live within a couple of miles of them and never pursue our own dreams of property and animals and gardens.

[Stillirise]

I read this post, then looked down and saw I was wearing a peachy blouse. I went to the mirror to make sure I didn't look like death on a biscuit.  Thankfully, my top is more coral colored, and I think I look alive and well.  Differing opinions are just peachy among non-PD's 

I agree with AOD, that it's to protect from narcissistic injury.  My updxh believed others could have different opinions, ideas, etc., but they were just wrong. He saw it as a personal threat, that someone else could be right, and also differ from his way of thinking. 

[moglow]

Hahahaha!! Y'all are so welcome for that little insight into my brain    [I'm more of a coral person myself, Stillirise, the darker the better with my complexion. I prefer white gold or silver over yellow gold, same reasoning. But md could not understand, demanded that I explain myself to her. No. I also do not and will not eat liver, md. Ever. Any form.]

He saw it as a personal threat, that someone else could be right, and also differ from his way of thinking.

Because that "threat" changed him/them how, exactly?? And you're right- differences of opinion and choices are perfectly fine among us/nons. I used to go round after round with md over the most mundane, simply because I chose to go there instead of nodding politely and going on my way.


What astounded me was the full on judgment and snarling over said differences, like taking up a battle flag of some kind. Me? Oh you like/don't like xyz? Cool. Interesting. And we carry on from there.

[Cat of the Canals]

I also do not and will not eat liver, md. Ever. Any form.

Hmmm, PDmom loves chicken liver. Maybe eating too much liver causes narcissism?   

What astounded me was the full on judgment and snarling over said differences, like taking up a battle flag of some kind. Me? Oh you like/don't like xyz? Cool. Interesting. And we carry on from there.

Now that you mention it, when someone likes something I don't, I often become intrigued and want to try it again. If it's a band, I think, "I don't like THAT song, but maybe they have other songs I'd like." If it's food, I think, "Maybe I didn't have it prepared correctly, or it's an acquired taste that I could learn to appreciate."

In other words, my first thought is often, "Maybe I'm wrong and missing out on something great."

Naturally that thought doesn't cross a PD's mind. And now I'm remembering the time we tried to introduce PDmil to sushi (we specifically avoided ordering anything with actual raw fish) and she reacted like a toddler presented with a platter of Brussels sprouts.

[falsebalance2]

I remember way back in the way back mother kept trying to give me random clothes and household items in peach. Just FYI- I'm not a peach girl. It makes me look like death on a biscuit, for her it was a good color. "But you luuuurve peaches!!" The fruit, absolutely - could eat my weight in peach pie, cobbler, preserves, jam etc. But the color peach? No, not at all. And she kept trying to give me stuff ...

This is so odd and funny to me Moglow that I have a similar experience (also my mother made all her bridesmaids wear peach because it is a hard color to pull off) - My diagnosed mother supposedly loved the color yellow but followed 'fashion rules' and yellow was a 'bad color' for her complexion.....So she shoved yellow at me and would always say "but you don't look *as* sick wearing it. Uggghhhh. Please wear it for meeee. It's such a happy color." When I refused by middle school (her favorite yellow actually does make me look like death warmed over) she had the entire kitchen painted this baby shower yellow.

She would purposefully buy me horrible clothes and make up to make me look straight goofy. Also went for any boy I brought around 

  Good thing I'm a nerd and didn't care 

[easterncappy]

Sorry to revive an older thread, but this is very relatable.

My mom told me I liked things I didn't really like a lot of the time. She used to tell people "cappy LOVES reading and history!"... because she liked those things. I never did. She treated me having different likes and dislikes than her as a form of rebellion when I was younger. I see how much it grinds her gears if I make different decisions than she'd make. Even about something like home decor.

Of course, everyone must secretly like the same things she does. I really don't like wicker baskets. When I was moving out, she asked me multiple times to not take her wicker baskets with me. It didn't matter how many times I told her that I wasn't going to take them, because they're not mine and I don't even like them, she kept insisting I was going to take them because she liked them.

Anything she didn't understand or didn't like was "for stupid people", too. Her likes and dislikes were always indicative of a higher moral character. Burgers from the local chain = for stupid and fat people. Big Macs = for healthy and good people, because she liked them.

[11JB68]

Even as a kid, totally in the fog,  it drove me crazy when updm would react so strongly to other people's preferences.
She didn't like blue.... if someone did she would criticise them... ew yuck so much BLUUUUE!!
She also made opinion statements on behalf of the whole family..."we're not bread people".... huh??? I LOVE  bread....enF did too.... we often had bread with dinner so I don't even know what that meant...

[easterncappy]

Another thing they were always weird about was food preferences. Both extreme, gigantic babies about eating anything that wasn't their absolute favorite. I get that some people have sensory issues (autism) or food allergies... neither are the case here. My parents don't even believe in food allergies, they think people make those up for attention.

I once bought vegan deli "meat" (it's just something I tried when I was younger). My dad took a piece and seemed to enjoy it... then I said it's vegan, and he literally started gagging so hard he almost threw up.

Another time, I made chicken cutlets for a group of people... I was going to make them into chicken parm. This is a food that's on every picky children's menu in every restaurant on earth, and adults eat it all of the time too. My parents both had a little meltdown about how I "expect them to eat this sh*t" and how "the least I could do is make a few the way they like them, they want to enjoy dinner too...". Everyone else thought they were great, lol.

[blacksheep7]

I read this post, then looked down and saw I was wearing a peachy blouse. I went to the mirror to make sure I didn't look like death on a biscuit. Thankfully, my top is more coral colored, and I think I look alive and well.  Differing opinions are just peachy among non-PD's 

I agree with AOD, that it's to protect from narcissistic injury.  My updxh believed others could have different opinions, ideas, etc., but they were just wrong. He saw it as a personal threat, that someone else could be right, and also differ from his way of thinking.

  Thank you and Moglow for the Good Laugh!

[Seeking_Peace]

She absolutely loathes 99% of her neighbors, and I'm certain it's because they are an everyday reminder that other people are allowed to make choices for themselves and their homes regardless of her approval. And really she approves of very little, so that just drives her up the wall.

Wow, I'm now correlating this with my Aunt. She's constantly on the lookout for subtle changes on her neighbor's houses so she can complain to them or inform the city. I've also known her to pull down yard sale or realtor signs on the weekends.

She also loves to speculate on individual political preferences, then in the same breath saying how much she hates politics.