Trying to learn more about covert narcissism

[etoile errante]

Hallo all. I'm not sure where to start - I have no clear diagnoses for anything and a lot of this is speculative.

I think my mother might be a covert narcissist, and that my father (at least) enables this. I was a solitary child with few memories of early childhood, and I left home once I became a teenager to attend boarding school. I now live in a different country to my parents and we see each other about once a year. Even that ends up being too much for me. I find them exhausting; it's like I am always performing in order to give them the 'experience' they want from me.

Recently a lot of therapy and increased conversation with a sibling has made me realise that I have 'forgotten' or minimalised a lot of interactions with my parents that caused significant hurt and repercussions in my own life. In addition, another sibling (who lives near our parents and is very heavily enmeshed in their lives) is having a terrible time in their interactions with Mum and Dad. I'm far away so of course I'm not present for these, but nothing I hear about these interactions sounds unusual given my own (admittedly patchy) memories and the experiences I have during our annual visits.

I would love to hear examples from others who might have grown up with a covert narcissist in their house. What did their interactions with others look like? Should I provide a list of characteristics for the forum to consider?

many thanks.
ee

[Gwendolyn]

Welcome Etoile errante

Revelations about our childhood and the way we were treated can take a long time to surface.  My experience was one of benign neglect wherein I was never encouraged or validated and I was used as a babysitter for my younger sibs so dysfunctional Mother could ignore all of us and complain to her sisters about my Dad who was barely home.  Pretty common stuff but hard to process as a child.

Be sure to visit the Toolbox and also find ways to 're-parent' the dear little soul inside you.  That 'younger you' that wants to feel the freedom and safety of having a healthy and competent adult in their life.  In my case the healthier I become and the more the FOG lift and the more time passes, I have gone No Contact with several members of my family and am building healthy relationships with less dramatic and difficult people.

I'm new on this forum too and have gained a lot by reading the posts and responses of others so keep and open mind and see what resonates for you.  Wishing you courage and peace.

[moglow]

Hello and welcome to Out of the FOG! I'd daresay most of us are right there with you - no diagnosis and all sheer experience and speculation. No diagnosis is required, particularly when the behaviors speak for themselves. My experience has been that the few who did actually get a diagnosis then wrote their [mis]behavior off to "well I have XYZ and this is just how I am." [shrug] No real attempt to change or even listen when we try to tell them what we've experienced. Daring to speak up has been an awful experience in itself.

For me, there's nothing covert about it. Mine would probably be best described as a malignant narcissist/borderline, who seems to get some kind of joy out of lashing out and tearing down others, sees it as her due. She's only covert until she decides she "knows" someone then she lets loose. She can be very charming and charismatic, but even then there's an underlying edge that's not quite hidden. I also have blank chunks of time, where I remember nothing. In speaking with one of my brothers about it not long ago, he advised letting them be. Maybe those blanks are there for a reason and I don't need to pursue whatever information is hidden. Self-protection, if you will. Knowing what I DO remember, I'm going with that.

I'm working on simply finding acceptance with it all now, letting go of any what ifs and hopes for "different." Mother is who she has chosen to be, and I choose to not expose myself to it at this point. I don't wish her ill and I'm not angry [finally], and I'm finding I'm more at peace with my own decision every day.