I Screwed Up?

[JustKeepTrying]

I visited with my oldest daughter (29) and her husband this weekend.  Our relationship has been improving after she stopped talking to me for a long time - she was angry about the divorce and she set a clear boundary that I was not to talk about it.

Last night in front of my SILs family I had a massive PTSD seizure.  I am embarrassed and ashamed that I still get these after all the work I've done.  All the therapy and EMDR and I can't handle a family game night.

This morning, over coffee, I apologized and then I just walked into another waking nightmare of my xOCPDh hitting me.  I finally told her all that he had done.  When I was spent, her response in anger that a I did not follow her boundary.

I apologized and I told her I am not handling this well and I am floundering.  I left.  I am right now sitting in my van with tears and writing this out because I did not realize how bad I am still struggling.  And I am.  It's been more than three years.

I just blew up my kids.  Up to now they didn't really know what happened between their father and myself.  Even after this morning they don't really know it all.  Just the highlights of the abuse.  I just couldn't stop.  It was like someone had torn me open and I just babbled incoherently for forty minutes.  I just dumped a massive burden on her and now she had to live with it.

But how do I live with it?  It is so hard to live with this burden and I am so tired of carrying it.  Tired of load. 

[SonofThunder]

JKT, im SO very sorry you experienced a seizure and the reactions from your daughter/children to TRUTH. 

I want to gently point out that your daughter has zero control over your actions or reactions, but only over her own. Therefore her attempted 'boundary' over you was not a boundary at all, but rather attempted control of you. 

You have full right to be struggling and i will expect i will be emotionally struggling as well, many-many years out from my decades of PD experience, if not over a lifetime.  Therefore, im trying to take my emotions one day at a time and with proper boundaries on myself only, putting myself in the most ideal conditions I can muster, to reduce negative emotional experiences and increase positive ones. 

You wrote: 

"But how do I live with it?  It is so hard to live with this burden and I am so tired of carrying it.  Tired of load." 

I would say that over time, I will also unload the truth, just as you did.  It IS the truth. It is NOT a lie.  It is NOT a smear campaign.  Unloading the truth, at times when the truth doesn't come back and bite me in the legal ass, and only to those in my life that need to know the truth to understand me and have a potential meaningful (not fake), deep relationship with me meaning, is great and necessary.

What these important people in my life do with that truth, tells me SO much about their relationship with me and whether I desire to be proactive with them, at the current time (or future), to continue to foster a deepening relationship with them. No matter who they are (friends or family). 

Again, so sorry you had a seizure and an awake nightmare.  That must be a scary experience.  Im glad you finally unloaded truth to your kids and hopefully over time, they will be adults and process it with compassion and understanding and a desire to understand you fully. 

You are a brave warrior badass!

SoT

[escapingman]

I really feel for you JKT, so sorry that happened to you.

For the truth, I agree with SOT that we should be allowed to tell the truth whenever we feel like it and to whoever we want to. It is then up to them what they do with the truth. We all have spent to many years covering up the truth for our PD's and it our choice for when we no longer want to do that. 

Stay strong JKT, hopefully your children will be able to process the truth over time.

[hhaw]

JKT:

Just as you dd can't control you or your emotions and responses
you won't be able to control hers.

Whatever happened with your seizures........ it's about your survival brain overriding your Nervous System and that's not something you just CONTROL, IME. It's certainly not something you inflicted on your dd and family on purpose so please consider dropping the shame and judgment around what happened and replacing those things with curiosity.

I think our children want us to be strong and in control always, but that's not how humans work....no matter how hard we try or how responsible and obligated we feel to BE those things for our children..... it's just not possible.  Your dd will come to grips with that as she navigates adulthood and parenting, likely.

Until then, all you CAN DO is what you can do, what you're responsible for and what's appropriate.

Caretaking DD's feelings.....
caretaking the entire familie's feelings and sheilding them from the domestic violence perpetrated against you by your ex is NOT on the list iof things you must do, though I'm amazed you've managed it for so very long.  In a way, it breaks my heart in two... for you and for your dd.  It's touching you care that deeply and seek to protect your now adult children as though they're still very young.  I'm touched.  Truly.

I hope you can forgive yourself and your bodies' perceived betrayal........ I don't think it was a betrayal.  I think it's how things come out when we attempt to stuff them down.... they pop out sideways, under pressure, in unexpected ways.  I'm always amazed at the ways they show up in the body...... always surprised.

Rather than take this as defeat or judge what happened, try to breathe yourself calm, gain some perspective and SEE what actually happened so you can understand it and address it.....tend to it like you would a small child.

Your children are grown and no longer tending to as they did when they were young. 

YOu, however, deserve it and past due for that kind of caretaking.  Your children will have to tend to their pain and wounds, bc they're grown and that's how this works. No matter how much you control yourself around your dd..... her healing isn't up to you or how you act or don't act, IME.  She can focus on you, bc she fears not having control, bc she 's afraid of focusing on herself and it's easier to focus on you.... to blame you.....but it's about her. 

It always comes back to what's yours to fix and what's not.  On coming back to your body.....
comes back to getting  your nose off the pebble...... gaining perspective and spaciousness so the problem is just abother pebble and not ALL you see. If you manage to gain spaciousness then you seen the entire field, all the pebbles and the trees and the ponds and lakes and streams and sky,..... and solutions too.

I couldn't learn how to do that on my own.... I had to ask for help from a Trauma Informed T without any judgment or expectations of me.  Just acceptance for what i could and couldn't do at the time..... and the T had so many tools in her tool box she always found a way to go around my resistence and help me SEE whatever she was trying to teach..... somehow.

You're helping yourself..... practicing EMDR...... and that's how you train your brain to remain integrated and bring logic and creative problem skills to resolve your problems...... over and over until you've created new default brain pathways to replace the old ones, which obviously are still present and lightening fast for you as you learned during your siezures.

And that's just information, JKT. It tells you there's unhealed trauma banging around inside your limbic system and it's asking to be tended to....... it's asking for you to calm yourself and attend to it so it can process and move OUT of your limbic system and into historic files, which is something you do for yourself, and not bc your dd commands you to be silent and stuff it down.

So you bring it into the light in a safe, hopefully therapeutic space with a trusted T leading you through.... or you do it with yourself, but your dd will not be the safe person you process this with, not that you intended to. 

It's just a fact and that's not good or bad.... it's just infomation.

Assigning judgment  creates chemical dumps, at least it does for me.  Fight or Flight reptilian brain isn't rational..... it can't problem solve or see what's there. It only cares about survival, not about quality of life.

  Looking at things with curiosity means I can SEE what's there more easily and without shifting into fight or flight mode and it's always up and down and sideways as a process. No winning or losing, just what it is..... a process I'm working on and I don't deserve judgments, particularly from myself, bc I NEED myself.  I'm my best resource and so very deserving of loving kindness..... same as you.  If I can remain calm, my brain remains integrated and I can bring logic and creative problem solving skills to everything, which is a shift I noticed creep up sometimes, but also land with force during T sessions or just after them and it's.....
a process.

You're seeking to heal and it looks like you've come a long way.  Maybe your dd's expectations have become YOUR expectations and that's backfiring spectactuarly.

The general rules of healing, as explained by my T, were these:

Stop judging.... just EVERYTHING.
Replace judgment with curiosity.
Accept what's there.... don't remain committed to changing things you can't change. Often this is where solutions, I had no access to before, present themselves to me.
Be as kind to yourself as you would a small child and keep being kind when you forget or backslide.  Just keep returning to self compassion without judging it.
Release expectations.... all of them. 

These are rules that served me well.  Something I could hang on to when things seemed to fly apart, as your family visit did. 

You can always return to those things and know self care is 100% your responsibility..... and you model it for your children when you manage it. 

That family visit was just information for you.  Judging it will distort and stop the lessons, IME.

Breathe.......go back to what works....EMDR..... therapy...... self care and please do forgive yourself as you want your children to forgive themselves. 

[JustKeepTrying]

XXXXXXX. SUICIDE TRIGGER WARNING XXXXXXXXXX

HHAW, Escapingman and SOT,  It's been a week.  After I posted I had what the ER doc calls a derailing event.  I called emergency and was admitted to a psychiatric lockdown unit for five days.  I am fine and it was the best decision.  I had the place to myself and I took advantage of four in depth sessions for five days - I wrung out every bit of info I could.  Basically what HHAW is what I gained from the week.

I had several more PTSD seizures and it only confirmed that I need to address unresolved trauma - outside of the physical abuse.  I think there are some cancer related events that I need to look at.  UGH.  Basically, if you don't address, it will come out someway.

So I am now home and further committed to continued healing and growth.  EMDR sessions are scheduled; psychiatrist appt and hope to see if there is a med I can take.  There are so few that I don't have an adverse reaction.  I see lots of therapy in my future. Between the mental and physical therapy, my days until I begin travel are filled.

It was scary.  I was so out of control and just so exhausted from carrying it all.  And the guilt and fear of loosing my DDs.  But they stepped up and helped me through the week bringing books, moving the van and just checking in on me.  No discussion about their dad.  But the therapists, and all of you, are right - they are adults and I can not protect them nor shield them nor carry them.  I have to trust the I gave them what they need to do it on their own. 

So my boundaries are firmly in place with the girls.  And as I worked through my week, I came to a stunning realization - I want to do this work for me.  Just for me. 

Thank you all.

[SonofThunder]

JKT, so very sorry you had that derailing event experience. Your wisdom and insight is surely mindful in that you were very self-aware, calling emergency services for yourself. From what you wrote, it seems the 5 days you proactively participated in the four sessions was additionally beneficial in opening up awareness of additional work to be done.  Again so sorry for the scary experience, but well done on the self love and care, even in the severity needed. 

I will be keeping you in thought and prayer and also for your travel times ahead to be positively affected by this event and the work you will be doing ahead of the traveling.  Your badassery just continues on as you make forward progress. 

Your comrade here on Out of the FOG and fellow future road-tripper,

SoT

[hhaw]

((((JKT))))

What a brave step you took.... asking for help and surrendering to it. 

Acceptance is a balm.

Resting in awareness, without judgment, is an act of self preservation we cultivate, IME.

Thank you for sharing your healing journey.  You're a good mama and deserving of kindness and self compassion.

Finally, you have arrived. 

You are home: )

[Cat of the Canals]

JustKeepTrying, I'm so glad you were able to reach out and get the help you needed while in crisis.  I am rooting for you as you continue your path of further healing.