My paternal grandmother just died. Torn about whether to go to her funeral.

[mimzy]

My grandmother just passed away. She was 94 and ready to be out of her body! She had had many falls, aches and pains so, in a way, it was a blessing. But it is a huge loss for my FOO. She and I were very close. When I went NC with my UNBPD mother and Enabling father 4.5 years ago, she applauded me at first. Then, when I got pregnant with our second child, their second grandchild at the time, she sent me a letter saying that she didn't feel comfortable continuing to have a relationship with me unless I agreed to open lines of communication with my parents. I wrote her a letter telling her I couldn't do that and I respected her decision. So, the last time I saw her was four years ago. Now her funeral is on Monday and it's a 90 minute plane ride away. I am torn because I would genuinely like to hear my father read her eulogy and see my relatives. DH, however, is terrified that if I go they will take advantage of the fact that he won't be there (he has to work and cannot go to the funeral) and put pressure on me to communicate with them. He says all eyes will be on me to bow down to them. I agree there is some truth to that. And I am nervous about going by myself. It's in a very rural part of the country, not a lot of cell phone reception and just downright desolate. The entire thing reeks of isolation... a little bit like the set up for a horror film. DH and I have had heated discussion about this... he thinks they will stomp all over the boundaries he and I have put in place over the past 4.5 years and they will think they can "have a relationship with us, at least me in the beginning." On one hand, I do think he's right. On the other, I think I can exercise boundaries. DH says that I would be like an "abused person opening herself up to people who still have yet to apologize for their bad behavior - verbal, physical abuse when I was young, gaslighting throughout my marriage and up until I had our first child which is when I realized their behavior was inappropriate to say the least. It's such a big decision to not attend my grandmother's funeral. And, if I'm being honest, I am entertaining romantic notions of them hugging me and all being healed between us. But DH is right.... they should have picked up the phone and apologized if they were serious about making things better. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Honestly, I feel the same I've always felt....everyone is looking at me to see if I will make the first step and apologize. They never, ever EVER did that. It was either me apologize and them invite back into the tribe or suffer the consequences of their silent treatment/guilt trip.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is tough. And I've been in your husband's position myself. We're not NC, but I counselled my husband not to go to his brother's funeral because I feared the sh!tstorm PDmil would stir up (and boy was I right), and my husband was in an extremely vulnerable state.

Can I ask how recently you found out about your grandmother's passing? I ask because my husband felt some obligation in the 24 hours immediately following the news. By the second day, he made the decision himself not to go. (Neither one of us have any regrets, for what it's worth. But we also have the benefit of hindsight and know the exact madness we managed to dodge.)

I'm not saying that you'll have that same kind of revelation, but I wonder if taking a day or two to think about it will make the decision more clear for you.

This probably seems like I'm counseling you not to go, but it sounds like it would mean a lot to you. So if you feel strong in your boundaries, and it won't be too triggering, I'd give a cautious thumbs up.

And in the spirit of caution, I would suggest planning the trip carefully to ensure you don't get "trapped" with your family, if you decide to go:

Things like:
-renting a car so you have your own transportation
-staying in a hotel
-better yet, stay in a hotel in the "next town over" and don't tell anyone what hotel
-having firm limits on how much time you'll be around your family. For example, going to the funeral but skipping the any sort of wake/visitation and any after-funeral luncheon type events
-being prepared to remove yourself from any boundary-violating scenarios -- whether this means going to the bathroom, stepping outside, or leaving altogether
-not announcing that you're coming if your family is the type to plan some sort of ambush or scene at your expense

[mimzy]

This is tough. And I've been in your husband's position myself. We're not NC, but I counselled my husband not to go to his brother's funeral because I feared the sh!tstorm PDmil would stir up (and boy was I right), and my husband was in an extremely vulnerable state.

Can I ask how recently you found out about your grandmother's passing? I ask because my husband felt some obligation in the 24 hours immediately following the news. By the second day, he made the decision himself not to go. (Neither one of us have any regrets, for what it's worth. But we also have the benefit of hindsight and know the exact madness we managed to dodge.)

I'm not saying that you'll have that same kind of revelation, but I wonder if taking a day or two to think about it will make the decision more clear for you.

This probably seems like I'm counseling you not to go, but it sounds like it would mean a lot to you. So if you feel strong in your boundaries, and it won't be too triggering, I'd give a cautious thumbs up.

And in the spirit of caution, I would suggest planning the trip carefully to ensure you don't get "trapped" with your family, if you decide to go:

Things like:
-renting a car so you have your own transportation
-staying in a hotel
-better yet, stay in a hotel in the "next town over" and don't tell anyone what hotel
-having firm limits on how much time you'll be around your family. For example, going to the funeral but skipping the any sort of wake/visitation and any after-funeral luncheon type events
-being prepared to remove yourself from any boundary-violating scenarios -- whether this means going to the bathroom, stepping outside, or leaving altogether
-not announcing that you're coming if your family is the type to plan some sort of ambush or scene at your expense

Hello Cat of the Canals,

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the examples of boundary setting. I think all that makes sense. My grandmother passed away on Monday, Sept. 5. I was sure I wanted to go to her funeral until Wednesday evening when I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. It would mean a lot to me to go. But I honestly can't imagine not sitting with my FOO or giving my enabling father a hug, giving all of them the wrong, incorrect impression that all is forgiven and I'd "come to my senses." There is no room for nuance or grey area with them. It's all surface. I don't think I'd have the courage to be "polite yet keep to myself." If I'm being honest, I'd be tempted to let my guard down for the sake of the moment.

[Pinkos]

I'm sorry for your loss mimzy. It sounds like you agree with your husband's concerns and acknowledge that you will likely let your guard down and mourn with them. And that in turn is likely to open the door a little bit for them to break the walls that you and your husband have worked so hard to build over the last 4.5 years. You are grieving and vulnerable right now and they are likely to use that to their advantage.

What if you go without telling them and spend some time at the gravesite by yourself after they leave to say good bye? Can you write your own eulogy and read it to your grandma? Can you wait to do this until your husband can go with you? I realize it will be after the funeral.

Or what if you don't go at all, stay at home and create an occasion with your husband and children on the day of the funeral to commemorate and say good bye in your own way?

I'm not saying don't go just trying to tease out whether their presence is truly needed for you to say good bye to your grandma.

[mimzy]

I'm sorry for your loss mimzy. It sounds like you agree with your husband's concerns and acknowledge that you will likely let your guard down and mourn with them. And that in turn is likely to open the door a little bit for them to break the walls that you and your husband have worked so hard to build over the last 4.5 years. You are grieving and vulnerable right now and they are likely to use that to their advantage.

What if you go without telling them and spend some time at the gravesite by yourself after they leave to say good bye? Can you write your own eulogy and read it to your grandma? Can you wait to do this until your husband can go with you? I realize it will be after the funeral.

Or what if you don't go at all, stay at home and create an occasion with your husband and children on the day of the funeral to commemorate and say good bye in your own way?

I'm not saying don't go just trying to tease out whether their presence is truly needed for you to say good bye to your grandma.

Dear Pinkos,

Yes, that's exactly what my husband said - we can go on our own and do something when we can go together. Oh, this is so helpful for me to read.... I was feeling so sucked in by my cousin's text after my grandmother passed..." Would it be a good moment to speak to your mom and dad do you think? Even if briefly?" And then getting an email from an old friend of my parents: " I am not sure if you are able to attend - but I know families tend to set differences aside to attend to such solemn matters." It's really none of anyone's business. Each time I read these messages I felt a pull to reach out to my parents. Out of guilt, obligation, fear, ego (how others would view me), the list goes on and on. My eight year-old self also sees this as a golden opportunity to "win brownie points" with them and please them by showing up. They always loved having me around because I would "light up" the place... well, many times I did that on purpose because it pleased them so much. Thank you for your response. It's so, so helpful.

[donutmoonpanda]

It's entirely your choice. You have to do what feels right for you.

I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my paternal grandmother. She was the only loving, safe person I had growing up. My only happy childhood memories are of when I was with her. I didn't go to her funeral. She knew that I wouldn't. And she knows I love her more than anything in this world.

I'm NC with N-dad and I knew he'd be at the funeral, even though he hadn't spoken to my grandmother in more than a decade. Every time she called him, he immediately hung up the phone on her. Every card or gift she sent him, he proudly threw in the garbage in front of everyone without ever opening it. He was mad at her because years ago she had stopped him when he tried to grab/punch/slap my teenage cousin. He wouldn't admit that was why, but it was literally the last time he spoke to her. Whenever she spoke to me, she'd ask, "Honey, what did I ever do to your daddy to make him not speak to me?"

He never saw her or spoke to her again because she intervened when he was trying to physically abuse a child.

That little old woman was beloved, people from all over came to her funeral. Dad was a pallbearer at her funeral. Because image is everything! He made the larger family believe he was a loving, dutiful son because he's a pallbearer. He must have loved her, right? All I can think of is her sad little voice, "Honey, what did I ever do to your daddy to make him not speak to me?"

I'm so glad I wasn't there for that display. I would have been crying the whole way through, in a vulnerable state around a man who has abused me for as long as I can remember. I've never been to her grave (I live hundreds of miles away), but a grave isn't her, you know? She's moved on. And she knows how much I love her still. That's my two cents.

[Mintstripes]

I think your husband’s idea is perfect. Perhaps after some time has passed and you have taken the time to grieve on your own, you could take a trip (without telling anyone obviously) and say goodbye at the gravesite, on your own terms. Without prying eyes, without any emotional or other abuse from FOO or their flying monkeys.

I would also be very concerned about you going into the lion’s den, so to speak, especially on your own and in a vulnerable state as mentioned. I wouldn’t put it past toxic and PD FOO/relatives/flying monkeys to add insult to injury on the day of your grandma’s funeral by harassing, berating you, etc. IMO, don’t even give them the opportunity to do that to you. Your cousins have already tried manipulating you when emotions are running high (and they know this).

As the old adage does, funerals are for the living. And this time, my POV is that you should take care of yourself and keep yourself safe from the pack of wolves.

ETA: I’m sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

[mimzy]

I think your husband's idea is perfect. Perhaps after some time has passed and you have taken the time to grieve on your own, you could take a trip (without telling anyone obviously) and say goodbye at the gravesite, on your own terms. Without prying eyes, without any emotional or other abuse from FOO or their flying monkeys.

I would also be very concerned about you going into the lion's den, so to speak, especially on your own and in a vulnerable state as mentioned. I wouldn't put it past toxic and PD FOO/relatives/flying monkeys to add insult to injury on the day of your grandma's funeral by harassing, berating you, etc. IMO, don't even give them the opportunity to do that to you. Your cousins have already tried manipulating you when emotions are running high (and they know this).

As the old adage does, funerals are for the living. And this time, my POV is that you should take care of yourself and keep yourself safe from the pack of wolves.

ETA: I'm sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

Thank you. I didn't end up going. I'm glad I didn't go.

[mimzy]

I'm sorry for your loss mimzy. It sounds like you agree with your husband's concerns and acknowledge that you will likely let your guard down and mourn with them. And that in turn is likely to open the door a little bit for them to break the walls that you and your husband have worked so hard to build over the last 4.5 years. You are grieving and vulnerable right now and they are likely to use that to their advantage.

What if you go without telling them and spend some time at the gravesite by yourself after they leave to say good bye? Can you write your own eulogy and read it to your grandma? Can you wait to do this until your husband can go with you? I realize it will be after the funeral.

Or what if you don't go at all, stay at home and create an occasion with your husband and children on the day of the funeral to commemorate and say good bye in your own way?

I'm not saying don't go just trying to tease out whether their presence is truly needed for you to say good bye to your grandma.

Thank you, Pinkos.

[Mintstripes]

I think your husband's idea is perfect. Perhaps after some time has passed and you have taken the time to grieve on your own, you could take a trip (without telling anyone obviously) and say goodbye at the gravesite, on your own terms. Without prying eyes, without any emotional or other abuse from FOO or their flying monkeys.

I would also be very concerned about you going into the lion's den, so to speak, especially on your own and in a vulnerable state as mentioned. I wouldn't put it past toxic and PD FOO/relatives/flying monkeys to add insult to injury on the day of your grandma's funeral by harassing, berating you, etc. IMO, don't even give them the opportunity to do that to you. Your cousins have already tried manipulating you when emotions are running high (and they know this).

As the old adage does, funerals are for the living. And this time, my POV is that you should take care of yourself and keep yourself safe from the pack of wolves.

ETA: I'm sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

Thank you. I didn't end up going. I'm glad I didn't go.

Good to hear you are feeling confident about your decision. I think you kept yourself safe.

[moglow]