Mom wants me to catch her lying

[Sneezy]

I used to think that my mom lied in order to truly keep something secret.  For example, she would lie about where she was when she was cheating on my dad.  Over the years, I eventually decided that mom mostly lies because she gets a thrill when she gets away with a lie.  I believe this is a form of "duping delight."  She seems to enjoy pulling the wool over people's eyes.  But now I'm starting to doubt that as well.  More and more, I think my mom lies because she wants to get caught lying and be admonished for it.  That sounds so weird.  But I could write a dozen examples from the past week alone.  Here is just one - mom claimed that she was completely out of a particular prescription that she needs and her doctor was refusing to refill it.  Now, just a week ago I had seen a full bottle of this prescription in her cupboard and had even given it to her.  Today, she challenged me!!!  She opened her cupboard and pointed to all her medications and challenged me to find the prescription in question.  Now, I'm not an idiot.  I realized that she had put all her medications in a different cupboard and so I just opened the cupboard where she used to keep her meds and there was the prescription, partially hidden, but not all that hard to find.  And then I got angry and accused her of moving all her meds and hiding this one on purpose.  I was mad.  And that is exactly what she wanted.  She wanted me to catch her lying and get mad at her.  But why?

I understand that bad attention is better than no attention for my mom.  But why go to all the effort of lying and hiding a pill bottle and challenging me, all to get me to yell and storm out of her apartment?  This is just bizarre and it's really bad for me and my mental health.  What do I do?

[Andeza]

The only way to win is not to play.

"I'm out of my XYZ and the doctor won't refill it!" If you consider yourself responsible for delivering her medications you could state in extreme calm and blandness "Oh you've got plenty left, probably just misplaced them. I'm sure you'll find them. The weather sure is lovely today!" If you are not responsible "Huh, I'm sure you'll figure it out. How about that weather today? Great isn't it?"

[moglow]

  SO much better than my internal reaction!

I understand that bad attention is better than no attention for my mom.  But why go to all the effort of lying and hiding a pill bottle and challenging me, all to get me to yell and storm out of her apartment?

I've seen this with mine as well - it seems she's setting me up to fail, essentially. Based on her response I tend to believe it was deliberate, not necessarily an oversight or "I'm sorry, I forgot!" It seems intended to provoke a drama, then she can build her mad that "you attacked her for no reason" as mine would say. That we DARE call them on it is a personal affront. Never mind that any normal person would quietly say, Oh. I must have put it back in the wrong place. Sorry about that.

[Sneezy]

The only way to win is not to play.

This is going to be my mantra from now on.  You are right!  Mom wanted to play a game and she made an opening move and I fell for it.  The minute she opened that cupboard door and challenged me to find the prescription, I should have said "Mom, I need to go, I'm sure you can work it out with your doctor." 

She does this to so many people.  A couple weeks ago she was flying home from a family reunion and my sister was taking her to check her bags and mom pretended that she lost her ID.  My sister was frantic, wondering if mom would be able to get on the plane.  They separated because they were flying on different airlines and when mom eventually got through security, she pulled her ID out of her purse and waved it in sis's face and just laughed like it was all one big joke.  She enjoys getting people upset and angry.  It's just wrong.

[moglow]

Mine gets very defensive and angry when confronted with anything, which is why I've pretty much shut down with her. You don't get to treat me like shite anymore and me just laugh it off. No ma'am. She often plays both ends against the middle, and the other person is blasted then smeared to kingdom come.

[Sneezy]

Mine gets very defensive and angry when confronted with anything, which is why I've pretty much shut down with her. You don't get to treat me like shite anymore and me just laugh it off. No ma'am. She often plays both ends against the middle, and the other person is blasted then smeared to kingdom come.

What do you do when your mom really needs something?  The only reason I saw her today is because she left a message that she was completely out of adult diapers.  And what kind of awful daughter would let her mother go without such a necessity, right?  Now, I don't know if she was really out or not, but that's how she roped me in to stopping by and then it was time to play her game of "find the prescription."  I have to hand it to my mom, she is very good at what she does.

[Andeza]

I wouldn't go in. I would hand her the bag at the door and tell her I had to get going have a good evening. If she learns that needing a thing doesn't get her that supply hit she'll move on to the next thing. I won't say she'll learn her lesson because that doesn't ever seem to happen.

[Cat of the Canals]

I wouldn't go in. I would hand her the bag at the door and tell her I had to get going have a good evening.

Better yet, leave it on her doorstep, and send a text when you're back in the car that you left it for her, Doordash style.  Or start having these items delivered to her by a third party, like Instacart. If she knows she's not going to get YOU, then maybe she'll calm the eff down with the shenanigans.

It sounds to me like there are two potential motivators for this behavior:
1. getting an emotional reaction out of someone else, like her sister at the airport, makes her feel powerful and "in control"
2. getting a negative emotional reaction, like when you got angry and accused her of purposely hiding the medication, allows her to play the victim. Oh, look at mean Sneezy! Yelling at her poor, poor mommy!

Really, #2 is just a more specific version of #1.

Is there a chance she's also reenacting something from childhood? It's not uncommon for children who are emotionally neglected to "act out" in an attempt to get attention from their caregivers, even if the attention they get ends up being negative/punishment. I've known a few BPDs in my day who actually seemed to prefer negative reactions to positive ones, drama being their main source of supply.

[moglow]

Sneezy, I'm at a hard impasse with md and honestly have no idea what her needs might be anymore. She's never been one to admit she needs any kind of actual help. She drops hints and tells others she "wishes someone would [clean her house, mow the yard, take care of honey dos etc]" but never comes right out with what she needs. My inner child reminds me of the housecleaning etc I did for her years ago and it was never to her imaginary and ever changing standards - she can pay someone to do it or go without, if it comes to that.

A couple of years back I realized I couldn't take the incessant senseless attacks and decided if we can't have a civil telephone conversation damned if I'm going to lay myself down at her feet in person. I'm very much at a "be pleasant or be gone" point in my life and that applies across the board. I don't want her to "do without" but neither am I willing to inflict more damage on myself. In the event she truly needs help, I'm not the one - I'll help set up whatever is needed but I can't and wont be there.

I've known a few BPDs in my day who actually seemed to prefer negative reactions to positive ones, drama being their main source of supply.

This would be mine. She can beat down and destroy a good day like nobody's business. The only laughter I've heard from her in quite some time is at someone else's expense.

[olivegirl]

My uBpd mother def intentionally would lie to me and wants me to know it too.

By lying, she gets to feel like a victim and this gives her a feeling of moral superiority.

"Go ahead and lash out at me if it makes you feel better."

"Misery loves company."

"Stop bullying me.  I'm getting older and my memory is not the best.  I'm your mother!" 

It's all an act.

I know because she will repeat the same lie and then give me a smirk.

When I would call her out on the smirk, plausible denial comes next:

"What me?  This is just my face.  What's wrong with you?"

Why can't she just knit, adopt a pet, tutor?

So I just don't engage at all.  This is one of the reasons why, amid my cancer diagnosis, I just had to go NC. 

[Andeza]

"Why can't she just knit?" This is an awesome line. I love it. Ha! Why not indeed?

Hugs to you olivegirl. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. You should have the most awesome cheerleader in your mother, not a burden.

[NarcKiddo]

Interesting. My MIL does this and it drives my husband and his siblings bonkers. He thinks she just likes the drama of the statement, and does not care if she can be proved wrong in 2 minutes flat. She never seems ashamed if called out on the lie.

[olivegirl]

Thank you for the hugs and support Andeza! 

Learning about the Kargman Triangle was an eye-opener!

My uBpd mother Queen/Witch plays the Victim so that my UNpd King/Fisherman father can be her Rescuer.  Gotta give him the enabler role to play. 

Daddy Dearest is happy to rage and berate me for taking out my "misery" on his wife!

UBpd mother gets to flex that she wins the Power Play! 

Two against One.

The King & Queen against the "jealous" daughter who is the Perpetrator.

Grade A fuel. 

They want attention, they want to gossip and dissect and scheme and they will manufacture chaos in order to distract themselves from their inner pain.

[Sneezy]

She never seems ashamed if called out on the lie.

My mom actually seems to like it if she is called out on a lie.  The negative attention is narcissistic supply for her.

I've known a few BPDs in my day who actually seemed to prefer negative reactions to positive ones, drama being their main source of supply.

My mom loves negative attention.  I think it reinforces her narrative that she is the world's biggest martyr and no one is as picked on as she is.

After reading and re-reading everyone's thoughts, I think it's actually pretty simple.  My mom needs her supply.  She will take any drama that is centered on her, whether it's positive or negative, as long as there are emotions swirling around her.  If necessary, she will get her supply by inserting herself into negative drama that is centered on someone else - so she will constantly call to get updates on other people's bad news, etc.

What my mom can not abide is calm, peace, non-dramatic times.  This explains why she didn't enjoy the family reunion we all went to last month.  Everyone got along, it was very peaceful, there was no drama, and much of the focus was on the younger generations meeting up with each other for the first time in a while.  Mom tried to stir up some drama, but it got nowhere.  She got some attention, being one of the older relatives present, but it wasn't all about her.  And so now that she's back home, her supply is running low, and she is determined to get reactions out of me to fill her up again.  Nope.  I'm not letting that happen.

[lkdrymom]

Is your mom capable of accepting deliveries?  My father would pull the "I'm out of ..."  Especially right after I just resupplied him with things.  It is a ploy to get you to come back.  I learned AMAZON was a Godsend.  Most times next day delivery.

[Sneezy]

Is your mom capable of accepting deliveries?  My father would pull the "I'm out of ..."  Especially right after I just resupplied him with things.  It is a ploy to get you to come back.  I learned AMAZON was a Godsend.  Most times next day delivery.

Yes, she is, and I realized afterwards that I should have simply placed an amazon order and had it delivered to her the next day.  Mom is also capable of doing her own amazon ordering.  It is a little less expensive to go to the local store and get the store brands, but honestly, amazon is only a couple dollars more and I have to remember to take my own time (and gas money) into account.

I've told my mom that I would like her to give me a credit card number that I can use to order her groceries for her, and I can also use it for amazon orders.  If she won't do that, I will use my credit card and keep a running tab.  She is good about paying me back for things, so I don't have to worry about that.

She got me this time, but lesson learned.  Next time, I'll take a breath and tell her to keep an eye out for a delivery.

[moglow]

What my mom can not abide is calm, peace, non-dramatic times.  This explains why she didn't enjoy the family reunion we all went to last month.  Everyone got along, it was very peaceful, there was no drama, and much of the focus was on the younger generations meeting up with each other for the first time in a while.  Mom tried to stir up some drama, but it got nowhere.  She got some attention, being one of the older relatives present, but it wasn't all about her.  And so now that she's back home, her supply is running low, and she is determined to get reactions out of me to fill her up again.  Nope.  I'm not letting that happen.

ERMAGERD!! We really ARE related! I've put mother's off to sheer boredom, that she doesn't feel "involved" without some crazy chaos of her own making. Upcoming visit with extended family? She may be trying to fabricate some drama just in case.

fyi on the shipments - Know also, telling her to keep an eye out keeps that questioning going "When is it supposed to be here, what if I'm not home, did you order this or that, how will I know if everything is here, what day does it arrive and who's bringing it..." Nit picky stuff to overcomplicate something very simple. You can choose to respond to all that or not. On a credit card that can add up very quickly, and she'd not likely take into account your time, gas, etc. None of that is her concern. She "needs" what she wants and you're somehow the provider.

[Cat of the Canals]

What my mom can not abide is calm, peace, non-dramatic times.  This explains why she didn't enjoy the family reunion we all went to last month.  Everyone got along, it was very peaceful, there was no drama, and much of the focus was on the younger generations meeting up with each other for the first time in a while.  Mom tried to stir up some drama, but it got nowhere.  She got some attention, being one of the older relatives present, but it wasn't all about her.  And so now that she's back home, her supply is running low, and she is determined to get reactions out of me to fill her up again.  Nope.  I'm not letting that happen.

Again, here's naïve me thinking, "My mom isn't like that." Then I remember back to more than one party where I found her off by herself, sulking. What's more, I recall now that both events were thrown by my brother. I can't remember a single one of her own parties where she behaved this way -- she gets all the crazy out before the guests arrive in those cases.  But now I realize she was pouting because it wasn't her party and that meant she didn't get to play Queen.