I'm scared, please help me.

[Swiftfeet22]

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry I'm starting out like this. It's a very long story. I can't believe it's come to this. I've been through so much since December, I'm feeling so tired and worn out. I don't know what to do.

I think I married a narcissist. I'm not even sure. But everything right now about my marriage is in danger, and I don't know what to do. I may be in danger. We got married this Feb. So not log at all. Before we knew eachother online for years. But not to the point where we talked every day.

I've been living on eggshells for months. I can bring something up, and he'll just fly off the handle and act like a little kid. Then he blames me.

When he chooses he can get really mean. Telling me to shut up, f off.... that I'm an idiot. He doesn't love me, he doesn't care. Other times he can be so sweet... saying he needs me, and loves me.

Last night, he got mad at me again. I was turning off a TV show and he said something that made me feel like the show was more important than me. It was bedtime after all. He sleeps through alarms so I'm always the one getting him up.

But when he made me feel that way, and honestly I don't remember what he said, I turned off my tablet which we were watching the show on.

He flew off the handle. I kept asking why would he say that, did i misunderstand him? He just kept yelling at me... telling me to stop talking. As it got worse, we were in a different room and he threatened to grab me and move me out of the room. Before that, he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he'd rather have his cat back and that he'd be happy without me. He told me to shut up, f off... all the while all I'm doing is asking why he would tell me a show is more important.

He grabbed me. I tried planting my feet but he grabbed my shoulders pretty hard as he started pushing me out of the room. At the end he raised his left hand as if he was ready to slap or hit me in my face but he stopped.

He then called 911. I don't know what he expected. There I was in tears, asking why, why he won't tell me what he meant or what's going on... they show up. I start telling them my story as they take him outside. They look at my arm, take pictures of the red marks. They talked to me for a long while.

Then I hear my husband yell something outside. I proceeded to tell the police that's how he yells at me. The top of his lungs, even when I'm staying calm. They found out what was going on...

So apparently they were placing him in cuffs. I had no idea this was going to happen. I was so distraught that when they told me I said what? I didn't.. and they told me it was standard.

I'm not sure I can go into this here, because of certain things about my situation where I'm not sure I can mention it?

They put him in the back of the unit though.

He came to get his gear this morning as people stood outside with the door open. I tried talking to him but he told me he isn't allowed to talk to me, which is true. I asked if he could talk to me, did he want to? I got no response.

I believe my husband is a narcissist. I've suspected it for months based on many reasons. But now here I am in this situation. He even left his wedding band here.. he looked right at it and left it.

I don't know what to think. My arm hurts. It's not the first time he's touched me like that. I love him. I know it sounds crazy. I'm scared. He's not allowed to see me or come to the house for now.

I don't want him to leave me. Shouldn't I want him to? I'm so frazzled.  Sorry for the confusing post. I love him, but I feel like he's already blaming me for everything last night. I'm scared. Hurt. Confused.

It's nice to be able to talk. I hope I can connect with you all. I'm scared senseless. Feeling alone. Hurt. Worried he's going to finally be allowed to contact me and throw everything in my face.

Like I said. I'm scared.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am sorry you are in such a difficult relationship. I don't know if your husband is a narcissist, we don't diagnose here, but he sure sounds like an abusive person. He abused you emotionally and physically. He doesn't want to be with you. He would rather be with his cat than you.
What about yourself makes you want a person back who clearly states that he doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you? Have you looked into Trauma bonding? Co-Dependency?
I myself wasted far too many years of my life trying to make an abusive man love me. He never did. But his abuse escalated. He did change. He got worse. Is that the life you are going to choose for yourself?

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

It's not surprising that you feel scared. Anyone else would feel the same as you. You've been physically and emotionally abused.

Abusers are all about power and control.

If it hurts it isn't love.

People who care about each other don't abuse them.

Abuse is never acceptable.

You may like to watch the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

It may not be NPD that you are coping with. As stated previously we can't make a diagnosis here.

I hope that you are safe.

Please seek more support from helplines and organisations locally to you. You will need ongoing support as well as coming here.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[feelinglostagain]

Hi and welcome! I am pretty new here too.

And I'm sorry that you are currently dealing with this situation. It sounds very scary and I've been through similar situations with my BPDso.

First, I want to reiterate what others are saying, and what you already know: what he's doing is abusive. And abuse is never acceptable. It's not your fault.

One thing that really helped me was reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' (newest edition) by Paul T Mason and Randi Kreger. Honestly - it was hard for me to read the first couple times.. There's a lot of information about personality disorders. There is also a lot of information about how partners can change their role in relationships with possible PD individuals.

It's not my place to say whether you should stay or leave the relationship. But if you do choose to continue in this relationship, please do what you can to remove yourself from an unsafe situation as soon as you see signs that it is starting.

[bloomie]

Hi Swiftfeet22 I am so glad you have reached out and so incredibly sorry for how this relationship is unfolding. As a newly married person you are in the 'honeymoon' phase of being together. That your new partner is acting out so abusively already is very important to pay close attention to.

No one here can know what is best and right for you in your unique situation. We see only a snapshot and when we hear of your being so poorly treated we want to help and are moved to offer you what we can to help and be some be part of empowering your breaking free from the atmosphere of risk you are living in.

Here is a link to an online hotline where you can speak or message live with a trained Domestic Violence (DV) counselor who can help you assess the risk you are under and what the best plan of action for you situation may be.
https://www.thehotline.org

Sometimes the most dangerous thing someone can do is leave. Sometimes the most dangerous thing someone can do is stay. We want to be very careful as we support you to focus on validating and encouraging you to get in real life support as you grapple with this. We can and will stand with you and listen within the limits of what we know and can safely suggest to you to do, but no one here knows best how you can go forward. Everyone reading your post can recognize you are in an untenable and escalating situation.

Here is a link to an excellent resource that can help you gauge the risk you are in. It is called the Mosaic Method and was developed to help every day people like us to be able to put the pieces of the stuff we are facing together in one place and determine the level of threat to us. It is free and I strongly recommend you work through the process and consider the picture that emerges carefully.
https://www.mosaicmethod.com

And a really helpful book that gets behind the inexplicable behaviors like you describe that might be of real revelation and help to you is found here:

Why Does He Do That, Bancroft

From where I sit this side of the screen you have some deep work to do and a support network to begin building around yourself if you don't already have that. It also is understandable you are grieving hard and hurting. I am just so sorry for all you are experiencing.

Here is a link to a great number of international resources that may be of good help to you Emergency Links

Use this time away from him to get some in real life support, talk with a DV counselor, and figuring out what is best for your life. Let us know how you are and come back often as you are able. We don't know what you 'should' do next, but we know without a doubt you do not deserve this treatment and we will support you as you figure out what you want and need to do about it.

[Swiftfeet22]

This might be a quicker post than I intended. I should of taken longer earlier and I apologize for that.

My days so far have been filled with so much sorrow. I feel like a week has gone by when its only been a couple nights. I want to say thank you to all of you for such a warm welcome.   I'm feeling so alone it's hard to breathe and your welcomes lifted my spirits even if only for a short moment.

Today I found his messages, and I don't know if he knows I can see them. He was saying things about me to make me look bad. That I "came" after him. That he had a restraining order put on him which isn't true. He had an order put on him, but it's not as severe as a restraining order and in honesty, I didn't know the police were going to do it. I was so distraught I just told them how I was feeling.

He mentioned how I'm going to end up exactly where he found me. With no man and no security. Among other mean things. How much I have in debt, how much stuff I have. It was all just mean. How I'm controlling and manipulative.

Now I admit, I was being controlling to an extent. And I'll explain why here, no problem... but he acts or the way he said things... like that's how I always am.

He's the one who practically begged me to marry him. Now look. That night of the fight. He wouldn't tell me anything. I tried. He even told someone he's not depressed when they asked.

He's thinking of ways of divorcing me and acting like I have tons of mental issues so he can get sway with acting like I'm the problem.
Something told me months ago, intuition... when he was talking to a counselor every week that he was telling her I have "issues" so just in case he wanted to divorce me, he'd have a strong case. You know I asked him? He said of course not..... now I'm thinking he was lying. I know I'm not perfect, but damn. Worst part is he told his friend that "I" came at him that night. WHAT?

All I want to do is talk to him. Change his mind. See me how he did before this fight. Go back to what it was. Am I crazy? Will he talk to me? How can I change his mind?

I don't know what to do. I feel so terrible. Thank you everyone for listening. I feel so alone.

[feelinglostagain]

I'm very sorry to hear that you're experiencing this. This can be very frustrating, heartbreaking, and confusing.

I'm not sure if this resonates with you - but reading your story brings this up for me. Before our divorce - my ex-wife was posting on social media about how much I had hurt her for a problem that she and I both contributed to. She never talked about it with me personally. I took her to couples therapy, I pleaded with her, I yelled at her, I told our friends.. I did everything I could to make her see that her perspective wrong and my perspective (that she had hurt me) was at least valid

Eventually I realized: I was suffering because at one time she saw me as a wonderful person - and now she was validating my deepest fear: that i am just 'a bad guy.' ...I relied on her for validation. And ultimately, I had to rely on myself for validation.

--

Here's the thing: If he really wants to divorce you, and tell your friends how bad of a person you are.. He will.

The question for you is: do you really want to spend your life with someone who really wants to divorce you, do abusive things and tell your friends how bad of a person you are?

Right now, with all the intense emotions - it can be hard to answer that.. It can feel like: 'what if he just sees that he's wrong and I'm not that bad? - Then we could be happy..' right?

If he has a uPD, then please understand that the way he experienced the fight is very different from how you experienced it. And his experience may be so far removed from what actually happened. Attempts to change his mind may just seem like manipulation to him - further confirming his negative view of you.

Even if he admits to you privately that he did wrong - do you believe that he will publicly admit to everyone else that he was wrong? Will we go back on social media and lift you back up in the eyes of your friends? Can he undo the harm that he caused you?  ...He may eventually hear you out and apologize, and take responsibility, and say he'll never do it again - but you'll seriously need to consider: WHAT IF it happens again?

No matter what happens - Please know that what you experienced is not okay. You have a right to be treated with love and dignity. Publicly and privately.

[Swiftfeet22]

Thank you for responding...  I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles as well. That's absolutely terrible what she did to you. I hope you're in a much better place now.

I see your points. I just don't know what I want to do. He's talking to his friends, private messages. Nothing on social media from what I know.

This is crazy. I still want to talk to him. I was told he's angry. He's continuing to say things about me that show he's angry.

I don't think he's going to calm down about this. He's just getting more fueled. More angry.

I still want things to end amicably. I'm going crazy. Am I just completely wrong? He could be so sweet. He did a lot of things throughout the week that were sweet. He told me he loved me a lot. Throughout the day, night... lots of hugs and kisses. I feel like I messed up. I feel like things were better here than I complained about. I mean, obviously there were issues, are issues. But, was I complaining more than I should? Did I have it better than I thought?

[feelinglostagain]

Unfortunately - I don't believe there is anything you can do to calm his anger. Also - it's not your responsibility (nor right) to do that. The uncertainty of what will happen next can be very disorienting and scary. The best thing you can do is take care of your emotional needs. If you haven't already - look up 'emotional dysregulation.' And see if there is anything there that can help YOU get yourself to a baseline of calm (while you wait this out).

When I am struggling with waiting out the chaotic reactions of my SO - I try to find ways to calm down and let go of any expectations (or hopes) for a certain outcome. The more I expect from an outcome - the more stressed I get. I also spend time reading and learning about the dynamics of the situation. This helps me put things into perspective.

As for the quality of your relationship - only you can judge that. He may be loving and kind most of the time. Also - it sounds like he can be reactive and quite hurtful also. So it's up to you to decide if you can (and should) tolerate that kind of experience in a long term relationship.

notrightinthehead also mentioned 'trauma bonding' and 'co-dependence.' I just want to reiterate that.

Best wishes on finding you path through this. I hope you will continue using this forum and resources to find your own answers.