Is it rude when someone tells you what they want you to do rather than asking?

[TreeDreamer]

Whenever my mother wants help, she almost always phrases it in the terms of, "I want you to do this," or "go do this for me." Or something to that effect.

She very, very rarely will ever ask me by using terms such as, "will you please do this for me," or "can you do this" or "do you have the time to do this?"

I personally find it to be rude, because it does not come across as a polite request for help. It comes across as a self-focused demand. It might seem like a small thing, but because I grew up with her being very abusive when I was young, it seems like one of those tiny things that comes out of that same place of self-focus that made her so abusive and thoughtless of how others felt when I was younger.

I was wondering if how I see it is correct? When you are around someone, and they tell you what they want you to do for them rather than asking you if you will do it, or asking if you can do it, do you think that is a red flag? Do you find it rude and inappropriate?

(Leaving room for some exceptions here, like if you are in an emergency and have to move fast for example. But just in general, day-to-day things I refer to.)

Thank you so much for any thoughts!

[moglow]

Playing devil's advocate here - others [any others!] can "want" whatever they want. That doesn't make it yours/mine to provide. I still have a choice, as in in do I want to do this for you? Maybe, maybe not.

The kind of want you describe from her sounds like an expectation. My inner response to her: Oh. Okay. Want away! Does that put the onus on you? Nope. Honestly, you don't even have to respond. She "wants something"? Okay. Until she asks you - politely! - you really don't have to address it at all. And even then you can say No. I can't right now. I'm busy today/that day. No. Maybe some other time. No. Etc.


Just a few thoughts from the edge.

[GentleSoul]

I would find that rude too.   I would also see it as a demand.  I would usually expect people to ask. 

My family of origin and then husband were more the covert narc dropping hints, sending smoke signals or morse code and/or expecting their minds to be read types. 

As MoGlow suggests, with people "wanting" things it doesn't mean we have to drop everything and spring into action to do them.    As I have rediscovered the real me, I have taken to leaving things until I am good and ready to do them and not before.   Or not do them at all quite often!!   

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm with you TreeDreamer, I think it's rude.

I've been getting a lot of that lately. Tells me what he wants, where it's located, when I should get it and more. All without asking if I can, will or want to do it. Then after it's done ..... NOT saying Thank You.   

[Sneezy]

Same here - my mom (covert NPD) rarely asks.  She says "I need to . . ." as in "I need to go to the grocery store" or "I need to go to the bank."  Or, my personal favorite - "I need to know when you can set aside 3 or 4 hours to run errands with me."  My stomach actually gets into knots when she does this.  It's rude.  But there is also an element of manipulation at work.  She is an old lady, and of course a good daughter should be attentive to all her mother's needs.  So when mom says "I need x," then it is implied that it is my job to take care of whatever it is. 

It's difficult, but you could try saying that you are too busy at the moment and then offer a simple solution.  For example, if mom says she wants you to get her groceries or take her grocery shopping, you could say that you are too busy but will send her a link to order groceries from your local store.  I have tried this with my mom, and so far she hasn't ordered her groceries.  But every time she brings it up, I repeat myself, and I'm hoping she will eventually order.  Fingers crossed.

[TreeDreamer]

Thank you moglow, GentleSoul, SunnyMeadow and Sneezy for your replies. I really appreciate it!

My stomach actually gets into knots when she does this.  It's rude.

Yes, that is how it feels! It makes me feel tense and on edge. I usually attribute it to the fact that her phrasing is a small reminder of so many much bigger self-centered things that she has done over many years, and so I assume I am just being "triggered" by it. I never heard anyone else say that it did something similar to them. Thank you for sharing about your situation, and for your suggestions too! I hope that your situation gets better for you.

I'm with you TreeDreamer, I think it's rude.

I've been getting a lot of that lately. Tells me what he wants, where it's located, when I should get it and more. All without asking if I can, will or want to do it. Then after it's done ..... NOT saying Thank You.   

That is so rude too! Both what you explained and not saying thank you. My mom does the same. She will want me to do something for her and then if I do it, many times she will not say thank you. If I ask her for a thank you, she acts like it is so much trouble and that I am asking so much of her.

It is hard to cope with, especially as I have asked her so many times over the years to just please ask me politely. I try to explain to her why it matters, but nothing works. She just constantly reverts back to doing the same thing.

The kind of want you describe from her sounds like an expectation. My inner response to her: Oh. Okay. Want away! Does that put the onus on you? Nope. Honestly, you don't even have to respond. She "wants something"? Okay. Until she asks you - politely! - you really don't have to address it at all. And even then you can say No. I can't right now. I'm busy today/that day. No. Maybe some other time. No. Etc.

Thanks moglow. It does feel like an expectation, or an an entitlement. The only problem is, if I refuse to do something, she then makes comments to make me feel bad or will do little subtle passive-aggressive behaviors to show that she is displeased. Like turning morose or silent on me or showing in her tone that she is not happy. It is a lot of little subtle things, but I notice them and they make me very tense and on edge because they remind me of all the toxic things she did to me in the past.

I would find that rude too.   I would also see it as a demand.  I would usually expect people to ask. 

Thank you GentleSoul. It does feel like a demand. Even though she may sometimes say it somewhat politely, or in a neutral tone, and in those instance there is really nothing on the exterior that looks mean or rude, it still feels unpleasant regardless of the tone or the situation.

Thank you again to everyone for the replies. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I've also run across, "I would love to..." with the same sort of feeling of a hoop to jump through being held out. "I would love to see photos of you all enjoying my gift," written in a note attached to said gift. Now I don't even want it. And I didn't send the photos. "Oh, I had no idea it was such a hard thing to do!" 

[GentleSoul]

Great points raised, thanks everyone.

It used to create a knot in my stomach too.

I see now that this was because my body could feel the manipulation.

Nature was reacting as it is meant to.   Warning me.  Danger!

The knot was the very very very natural warning signal.

That was the icky horribly part of it all.  Usually the actual chore needed by the PD was tiny and no big deal.

The big deal part was the MANIPULATION!

I often used to say to late narkie hub, why don't you just ask me, why do you need to manipulate??  He had no answer to that.  Well of course he didn't, his brain worked a different way to mine. 

Hey, great to march through that.  Thank you for this space.

[p123]

Yep mega rude - my Dad does it all the time.....

His other things :-
"Well you're family need to understand" - meaning "You  put ME first"
"Can you make a big effort" - meaning "Im going to do all I can to make you feel guilty so drop everything for ME"

We've had loads of arguments about the "big effort" thing. I've told him its damn rude because its implying I dont bother and I "cant make a big effort" if I've got other commitments too.

[Empie2204]

Yes, it´s rude. I have experienced that, too. And the knots in my stomach.

Until I learned to say No.

[Cat of the Canals]

I've also run across, "I would love to..." with the same sort of feeling of a hoop to jump through being held out. "I would love to see photos of you all enjoying my gift," written in a note attached to said gift. Now I don't even want it. And I didn't send the photos. "Oh, I had no idea it was such a hard thing to do!" 

Here I was, perusing this thread, thinking it felt familiar, but couldn't exactly hear my mother saying "I want..." (far too direct!). And then I got to your post and alarm bells went off, because there it is. "I would LOVE if you did XYZ."

She also likes to invoke third parties. "It would mean so much to Aunt So-and-so if you would do XYZ." Really? then why doesn't Aunt So-and-so ask me herself????

[Call Me Cordelia]

I've also run across, "I would love to..." with the same sort of feeling of a hoop to jump through being held out. "I would love to see photos of you all enjoying my gift," written in a note attached to said gift. Now I don't even want it. And I didn't send the photos. "Oh, I had no idea it was such a hard thing to do!" 

Here I was, perusing this thread, thinking it felt familiar, but couldn't exactly hear my mother saying "I want..." (far too direct!). And then I got to your post and alarm bells went off, because there it is. "I would LOVE if you did XYZ."

She also likes to invoke third parties. "It would mean so much to Aunt So-and-so if you would do XYZ." Really? then why doesn't Aunt So-and-so ask me herself????

Oh yes, with the bonus triangulation! My MiL got us to name Aunt So-and-So godmother to our child that way.

Related, but possibly a tangent. Like many ACONs I am a recovering perfectionist. I think this is part of the reason why. Anything good that I could possibly do was automatically an expectation, and I've carried over that habit. I can create new goalposts from thin air if I am not careful and why I will never get back on social media. Somebody I know makes kombucha and bone broth and ferments sauerkraut and would like to teach me. Well, sure it would be lovely if we ate all homemade organic food. And now suddenly my being too lazy and ignorant to do that is the reason my kid is sick and why I have failed at life. That sort of thing. Whereas the day before I had peace when contemplating the pantry, and the person offering had no thought of judging me, etc. And I'm the one going all or nothing with maybe learning to do a thing instantly meaning a complete overhaul of my life is in order. I'm assuming implications my uPDs would have meant.

[mary_poppins]

It's not only rude, it's abusive too. As if the person who is asked has no life and needs to comply immediately with the mother's request. It's like you do with a little child. You order them around or tell them what they need to be doing (mostly because they can't take rational decisions at that age) and the child needs to comply. Your mother knows that when she orders you something, you will need to comply.
She sees you as a child with no boundaries or ability to say 'no'.

[mary_poppins]

Playing devil's advocate here - others [any others!] can "want" whatever they want. That doesn't make it yours/mine to provide. I still have a choice, as in in do I want to do this for you? Maybe, maybe not.

The kind of want you describe from her sounds like an expectation. My inner response to her: Oh. Okay. Want away! Does that put the onus on you? Nope. Honestly, you don't even have to respond. She "wants something"? Okay. Until she asks you - politely! - you really don't have to address it at all. And even then you can say No. I can't right now. I'm busy today/that day. No. Maybe some other time. No. Etc.


Just a few thoughts from the edge.

That's brilliant. Yes, a PD mother can want whetever she wants, it doesn't mean she is allowed to impose herself on your life and force you to do something that you can't or don't want to do.

[Liketheducks]

In my FOC we call this being volun-told.   

[easterncappy]

It's not only rude, it's abusive too. As if the person who is asked has no life and needs to comply immediately with the mother's request. It's like you do with a little child. You order them around or tell them what they need to be doing (mostly because they can't take rational decisions at that age) and the child needs to comply. Your mother knows that when she orders you something, you will need to comply.
She sees you as a child with no boundaries or ability to say 'no'.

In my FOC we call this being volun-told.   

This reminds me of a story of when I was ultra-deep in the FOG. I've been meaning to post about it on my blog since I still don't really understand how I ended up in this situation - I guess i was that brainwashed by my parents. I think people on here might understand why this happened. FOG, being put in an awkward situation where it would make my mom look bad if I said "no", my mom's history of threats of self-harm and suicide if anyone ever told her "no", never having stood up for myself before, being used to just doing whatever she told me (come to think of it - nothing was ever a question nor had the word "please" in it), etc.

When I was approximately 19 years old, my mom had some "friends" over. They were kinda loserish people, in their 60's with no real stability. They complained about not having a car, and thus finding it difficult to hold down jobs. My mom always had this extreme tendency to "play martyr" (I'm sure it has an actual name but that's what I call it), she needed to be the hero of these kinds of situations at any cost, because it made her look good.

Immediately, "that's okay - Cappy will drive you to and from work every day, I promise, we would never let you struggle like this!". Somehow, I ended up being this guy's personal driver for two months. This guy and his wife mooched off of his sister, who lived about 25 minutes away, and I had to drive him between his sister's house and his work every single day. I didn't get any money for this, not even gas money, and no one seemed to care that it took like two hours out of my day, every day. Plus, it was super awkward. This was a man three times my age who I had nothing in common with, having to make small talk with him was just weird.

This came up a couple of weeks ago with my mom. "Remember when we offered to help (that guy)?"... "no, mom, you TOLD me I was going to do that, no one asked me how I felt about it"... "oh, I guess...". Still, no understanding of the possibility that "gee, it sure was weird that I made my daughter do that, maybe I should take responsibility and apologize". I was just an extension of her, a tool she could use to look good in front of people she doesn't even talk to anymore, and she couldn't have cared less how I felt about anything.

[lkdrymom]

My grandmother's line was "I'll LET you do this for me..."  This way she wasn't asking for a favor, so she was not beholden to anyone.  She made it sound like she was doing you the favor.   Bonus points to my mom who one time responded No Thank You when she said that.

[TimetoHeal]

Sorry, I haven't read all the other posts yet, but of course it is rude!  Would you do that to anyone else?  My mom likes to phrase things like "Pretty soon you're going to have to...".     Yeah, no I'm really not, mom. 

[Pinkos]

Before I went NC, I decided to tag along on a Mexico trip with my parents and paternal uncle. Looking back, I don't know why I thought this was a good idea. They never plan in advance and they're never organized. They'd dropped hints to get me to plan some trip for us since they know I like to travel. I knew that would be hell for me because they would expect to be catered to and I'd have to do everything. Well, this was a trip that had been planned without me so I figured I should be able to tag along, no problem. 

Anyway about a month before the Mexico trip I emailed the uncle (he was out of the country) letting him know my father had invited me to join & asking for the trip dates so I can buy my ticket. Supposedly, he had a good idea of the area we would be going to etc. He replied back that they hadn't worked out the dates but added this line, The planning after San Diego will be your responsibility.



Without getting into all the narc drama that followed, lets just say I ended up avoiding the responsibility, which forced him to scramble at the end to book the accomodation but of course I regretted going on the trip as soon as I landed at the airport and was met by 3 stony faces!! It only got worse from there.  Of course my parents took his side. He ended up booking a place with two bedrooms and one kid's room with a daybed. Guess who had to sleep in the kid's room? 

[p123]

yeh my Dad is the same. His attitude is "Im old, I can't help that, everyone will have to understand thats the way it is".

Number of times hes told me that I need to explain this to my family, and/or that my kids will have to wait or there'll be another time for them.

I stupidly used to do this but now there is no way!